Two half minds
One that shines,
Contagiously calm and placid all the time
Surreptitiously serene,
Always natural, fluttering and sprightly dancing,
To the tunes of melodious concurrences
Doesn’t understand anger or any defeatist feelings.

The other half, not so easy going.
Can act rashly all the time.
Selfish to the core,
Spew hatred and venom, owned all the ill’s reservoir.
The devils are here,
Negativity is vast and petty thoughts everywhere.

Does the wicked know why it act this way?
There’s no truth in him, for he is cruel and a dejected ennui
No one can apprehend his anguishes,
For all the books are written by God’s allies.
Cast away, putrefied in the underworld,
The devil learned the hard way.

The two half minds, are not dual anymore.
They have become whole again.
Not completely angelic nor always have demonic vibes.
For whole is everything,
The darkest desires, the inner sufferings
The Utopian splendors and the heavens colliding
To form what complete us.

we try our best to change the ****
to stop the ****
or at least to cut down
we cant help it tho
it can adjust about every frown

as it turns out **** can change us
to better and to worst too
there's a dilemma, a current struggle
honestly, its all just a huge fuss
but more like a mildly muddy puddle

i write all this and share it here
since there is no other place
for if others found out id fear
punishment, concurrences, and more
i cant leave a trace

i am in some sort of pit or hill
stuck below or above
it sorta depends on the power of will
its either that or the other no in between

**** helped a lot to some extent
yet made some things worse
it got harder and harder to deal with life
i'm currently reconsidering searching for a provider, a source

it was all too hard
getting my brain to function
getting rid of tension
getting my emotions involved
it sure was a struggle to eat
and to interact with the people i meet

for those of u who know and understand
i'd rather dissociate and float than remain on land
perhaps you can relate
but the thing is now
i gotta figure this out somehow

sure people on the spectrum are more likely to get psychosis
with OCD and TTM
yea whatever its a confirmed diagnosis

i realised tho that **** actually helped for a while
it got my stress and anxiety down
ya i know this isn't much of a poem, its another style
but there's nowhere to share but here
that's how i initially began typing
ill keep trying and fighting

so here it comes
the question that lingers
it has to do with my thumbs and fingers

can i stop or can i not?
do i start **** again or do i not?
will it help me or will it not?
will the whole thing be eventually worth it or will it not?

idk i am yet to decide