"Why am I always so happy ", they ask," why am I always so positive" they asked. To be honest, I'm not happy, but I am positive.
If I wasn't I wouldn't be me.
If I wasn't I wouldn't be who they know.
I killed that part of me ,I had thought, but it's clear to me he dwells nearer to the surface then I thought.
I was once the personification, incarnation, incorporation, realization, manifestation, expression, representation, actualization, concretization, the very embodiment of pain and suffering. I lived it.
I spent years in pain, days without tears because I couldn't figure out what to feel worse about.
Then came the realization of the illusion I had for so long, I could have saved them I could have saved them all. Then the doubts, not only could I do nothing but watch in horrendous disbelief and dismayed as I looked around at the disarray, no fear, as shots rang out on the other side of the wall, only rage, pain and regret.
Even prior to that my life was an entanglement of people hurting people and me, but I never mattered in my eyes, not in comparison to what happened to them. To all I had to bare witenes to, all I couldn't save.
The understanding that life dosnt let you feel the way you want unless you force your self to.
So I replaced my sad face with a smile.
And replaced my sadness with an idea.
And I told myself I was okay.
But I'm in pain. I hurt. I exist to bring joy to life and life another chance.
I should feel proud and I do. But I don't have anything that exists for me. As I bare witness to all this pain destruction death sadness anguish. I can only imagine a better day. I can only force this smile, this smile that seems to fool them oh so we'll, as long as I am in plain sight nobody will see me for what I feel.
And nobody will understand my sunny disposition is a different type of depression. It's when you know you should be happy you can't feel like you deserve to be. When you smile but you feel sad for wearing it. When you laugh but wanted to scream instead.
I was destroyed. All that's left now is a mask. And that mask is mentioned for the worlds joy while my body is for the worlds pain. Give it all to me and I will bare this sin, this pain.
Call me insane but I'll come back to live again.
All I truly fear is myself.
I love everyone that disappointed me
And I remember all I failed.
May your life be better then this.
May you understand I love you all.
And my pain will grow so your smiles never fade.
My heart is with you.
My mind is gone.
My body all that remains.
This mask all that they will see.
Until I am no more.
