Out of the star-crossed Southern
night, comes a group of heroes
whose sole purpose is to defend
White Rule! Capt'n Confederacy!
Fed on a strict diet of Hog Maw
& Chitterlings, Ox-tails & grits,
the Capt'n is the South's Ultimate Rebel
Soldier!! White Lightnin' --- channeling
electric bolts conjured from the sky
through the use of prosthetic copper
hands & his sidekick Moonshine,
who can deflect sun-bright moonlight
off White Lightnin's glowing fingers;
Winter Blonde, whose utter whiteness
renders her invisible in broad daylight!!!
Her one weakness: Dark male flesh...
& Lastly, & most likely least of all,
RR, the Human Locomotive, can outrun
any man or ****, except uphill...
These are the Confederate Revengers!
Called together by the Absolute,
shadowy leader of the sinister racist cabal:
The Confederate Revengers meet
their newest prospective member:
"Ladies & gentlemen, I'd like you
to be introduced to the one and only Medusa,
last of the mighty Gorgon race."
The nefarious heroes bowed their heads,
the sight of the primal goddess
being too much to behold.
"She ain't no southern belle!" cried Locomotive,
but she kicked him in the cow-catcher
& groaning, he doubled over.
"Anyone else want to question my pedigree?"
she snarled earnestly, her complexion
a translucent shade of emerald.
So it was settled. Medusa was brought
into the motley attired circle,
but the Mediterranean queen
had her own motives for signing
on to the as yet unknown venture.
In her innocuous alter-ego as Sunflower
Juniper the nefarious agent Moonshine
made her way into a soirée of Northern
bigwigs; tarted up like a Yankee *****
of easy virtue, a costume she had had
to don many evenings before,
sometimes for nights on end, getting
high-ranking Union officers liquored
up, & before that, the British military
gentry would spill their guts over her
full jugs about troop & ship movements
during the last skirmishes of the old war.
Moonshine, older than she looked
had aged well & parts of her kept
slipping into view. The Bluecoats were intrigued.
By the time they were all drunk & passed
out prone on the floor, Sunflower knew
the exact location of the Union front line...
Slipping into the shadows before dawn,
Moonshine, as she was commonly
called by her underworld confederates, vanished
like her namesake with no man in blue the wiser.
Returning to the Kave of the ****,
Moonshine reveals what she knows;
however, our nominal heroine,
Medusa herself, is a Union spy & quickly
prepares to inform the Generals that their
movements have been compromised.
Ironically, at just that moment both Union
& Confederate Commanders bellies were
hit with the rotten cider offered by a little
black boy dashing here and there sloshing
a bucket of homely cheer. Everything coming
to an abrupt halt, Medusa was about to remove
herself from the vast cavern & speed
into the night to the Union camp
just over the hill. Her mare had the speed
of Pegasus but she was nevertheless
set upon by White Lightnin',
who hurled a blue charge of searing heat
at her head of vociferous serpents.
Not to be bested, the Gorgon Queen
snapped her mount's reign
to hurry on faster and cracking the short
whip, the startled creature spray
as it galloped a veritable drinking stall's
worth of pungent ***** from the racing
thoroughbred's straining
bladder blending with the pungent
sycamore & lilacs of the surrounding fields;
the warm sway of night filled
with enchanting aroma from all sides.
So intoxicated with the Southern
countryside's native allure despite
the ravages of war, White Lightnin'
didn't notice the enormous
puddle of horse **** that had turned
the road to mud beneath his feet
& once the tattered suede boots
set down in the mess, did a jolt
of lightning rise from the soles
of his feet up through his spine
& spread through every other limb
& nerve in the stunned rebel's body,
searing the specially wielded copper
gloves to his hands & filling him
with more voltage than any normal
man was ever created
by god to withstand. Shocked to the skin,
the frozen electrified hero crackled &
popped like a burning fir tree until
there was nothing where he once stood,
but the charred set of smoky boot heels.
That was one less Super Confederate
Medusa would have to deal with in the end...
Captain Confederacy, as his alter-ego,
the nondescript traveling women's shoe salesman
Travis Toetickler, suspicious of their mysterious
olive-skinned compatriot, goes to the hotel where
the gorgon is staying to investigate;
finesses the flimsy brass lock to gain entry
to Medusa's suites, wherein she keeps mostly
locked away, certain items with particular
attitudes & appetites of their own.
Dixie, waiting outside disguised as a chambermaid
as the Captain ducks inside the darkened room.
Immediately there is a sound gnashing fangs
&crunching jaws. A feather boa, unfed for days,
had strangled the hapless
solid white hero in the dark while
a pair of snakeskin boots held his legs, while
an alligator purse was taking big chomps out
of his meaty belly fat. Dixie, against her better
judgement enters the room only to be used
as a toothpick... & when Medusa returns
she finds only the blood spattered remnants
of Captain Confederacy's white & Gray
uniform & the bird ***** remains of little Dixie,
beaten down by a writhing leather, mermaid
ribbed bustier.
