like a man
i packed tobacco
into my pipe but
i don’t own a yellow hat

in Shadowlands
C.S. Lewis told me
marriage is for life and
i never forgot that

i struck fire
from a Sahara Club
matchbook
that Carissa gave me
back in ’98

she took her clothes off
dancing
for a living but i didn’t
meet her that way

we used to drink
newcastles, smoke
menthols and walk
Newport’s back bay

we laughed
a lot
and did drugs
at raves

i used to tell her
“when i make it
i will take care
of you everyday.”

i never made it
and tonight
i cleared
my pipe with

one hit

one match

one woman

Okay, so maybe I haven't showered since Monday,
way behind on ALL of my assignments, didn't even finish half of my essay which is due in 17 minutes
BUT
I still got out of bed
I wrote the outline for the paper
I saved two honey bees with paper and a Starbucks cup
that's something.
It barely counts as functioning, but it kind of does.
I am trying

I am breathing

I am doing the best I can

And that has to be enough, it has to be enough for today. Because right now that kind of all Ive got. Oh geez 14 minutes, to be honest I am kind of panicking.... She gonna go over my essay and be disappointed, I want to run. I cant run, if I run then I get another zero. If I get another zero- Okay okay. Stop! Breathe, good. Youre spiraling more than if you give a mouse a cookie. What is your life now "If you give Carissa a 0,"? Deep breaths me, deeeeeep breaths.  

See now I am trying REALLY hard not to spiral and all of these random anxieties are flitting through my head and everytime I go for one I let go of another. 10 minutes


10 minutes
whoooh boi
I am not ready