To become one with all, one must lose
their ****, their wallet, their mind, their car keys
you must lose your sense of time and space so that it all becomes a dream
and you can't decipher up from left or hot from green
and you just sit
(or fall?)
until you fail and wail and bump against the grind stone 'til your skin errodes,
revealing muscle, which is weak when peeled away, to reveal
bone,  ground into flour for the cupcakes and bread et al.
Let their be fights, and strife
and lice and barium
because to accept all
you must love the disgusting, the heinous, and is that  what you want?
To accept all means to accept close mindedness, and chosen blindedness,
evils, weevils, steel easels,
do you really want that?
Yes.
Yes you do, if you want to become one with all.
I just want to forget the nulls and nuisances and sleep in peace and riot.

The steam, your lungs pumping the breath in and out.
Your voice, as smooth and dark as obsidian.
I'm holding you, but the nights freezing touch takes away the heat.
The curves and ridges of your body fit perfectly with mine.
I can hear your heart beat, in sync with mine.
Our limbs tangled.  Your eyelashes, fluttering against my skin.
Our lips barely touch, yet you pull away, smiling. Teasing.
I pull you in, over me, your lips, as soft as clouds.
You wrap your legs around me and pull me in closer.
I lift off of you and I open my eyes to see you smiling.
You laugh at the gravity of the situatioin. You laugh at the fact that you won't be able to let go.
And neither will I. But we don't know it yet. The black holes where our hearts should be. ******* in everything we are and everything we will be. We won't let go. But we don't know that yet.
We are covered in a veil of love and blindedness.
The steam, your lungs pumping the breath in and out.
Your voice, as smooth and dark as obsidian.
Another night awaits us, another night filled with sweat and love.

Today.
An array and wash of moments blurring and standing apart
In the warm Chicago sun
Almost as if to be a relief, reminder
That time does pass and we too,
Must flow and grow with it
I wore a little black crop top
Black harem pants
My amethyst necklace
Red lipstick
One streak of green
Hair pulled in a half up twist
Two different earrings
My steel toed boots

And I met you.

I told Alex
Because I needed to make someone aware
Felt it, gave over to it
Around 11pm
“This time last year I met you for the first time in a 711”
“Haha and the world was never the same.”
He replied.

Something about being surrounded by the vocabulary of everything
I gave up
Made it hard to move past thoughts of you today.
Z. Z. Z.
Where o where
Did you place
The L
Is it still in your wallet?
Where all your dollar bills lie
But when a feeling in me shifts as the geese and swans
Croon and sing high above my head
Grudges. She got a grudge. He got a grudge.
She was nice for the first time in months
Group mentality, lets crucify those we can’t understand
“Thats the point. Only idiots forget.”

Really, truly.
I’m just so relieved
For a multitude of reasons.

But I guess what aches
Is that I came here and gave my heart away
With a naive bliss that I just now recognize
Truly and with such conviction
On the days I feel and fear
That my face looks so tired and wise
And fully see with my own third eye
The blindedness of it all. That it was.

And like a flurry of quick motions and camera frames
Flash back to cab rides where I felt trapped
My depressed state, running away
My hands slapping your face when you professed love
Much too early
The singular few times it was good
The way you looked at me on the train
In windows, the loving phrase you constantly repeated
The way you would take a big step back and sigh
Whenever you had to see my face again
The final night I let you in and you layed next to me
And told me I was the worst as if it were a love sonnet
And you meant it
As I attempted with passion and a clinging to not let go
Entirely, of those few singular moments
Where the light both shone on us
And here I am a full year in
Still writing about you.

After I met her
Your new…
Me
I stopped trying to resolve our downfall in my dreams
As I hope and deeply think
Don’t pillage my mind tonight.

There is an awareness
A sleep deprived awareness
To my being today
Lost cell phone
A betrayed kiss
Dancing and *******
You told me I was rejuvenating
I looked for you
Arguing outside in the street
Revealing your innermost truth
I so wanted to
Play along with the charade
You called me to say
There was no cheating, no flirting
This was it
I was it
In the darkness of my room
When I needed you most
You chose another woman instead
I played the good little wife
After then
But put you to bed
What I would call the last straw
But I let you back in so many times
Like I have been so wont to do
(Let this be an end to all of that)
With venomous teeth because thats what you made me—
Thats what I made me.

Caged in a way I couldn’t understand.

Because you couldn’t
Because you couldn’t
You had to beat me to it
You would later lay next to me
Naked
Stare at the ceiling
Speak the words as if they were some secret confession

As I spun around the swan music box for the last time
Don’t you see I’m inked to you forever?

But you were never, mine.