its been two long years since you were released
but know in my heart i could never blaime you in the least
we were a tourchured family to never find love
but this is what either dreams or hate can be made of

even when i saw your eyes roll back and the blood on the knife with your marijuana pipe so black from the residue packed
you cut till your arms were just red
then smoked enough to leave a teenage stoner in bed

i dont blaime you for either, you were hurt and you needa cope
but was tradeing the love of your ******* son worth that ****
you were my mother, supposed to hold and love me
but i found myself being yelled at thinking im just unlucky

still i guess i could of looked for love from my father
but he was to busy showing love to his two daughters
i was to dumb, couldnt sing a song, to him i ddnt belong
so you ignored my exsistance for many long years till it braught me to tears

but where are we now after i lived a long 18 years
dad look your oldest daughter left and your youngest you only hear hate underneath the tone of her breath
so i guess im all you have left to bail you out this mess you left

so now to watch over these two as if they were as delicate as children, they have only me to watch over them as my  mom bleeds and my dad cant breath the weight of debt needs to be repaid i dont know what else but you will regret how you treated me when im gone one day

momma maybye i just want you to stop with the drugs

looking everywhere just trying to find a buzz

till you look at your son amd forgot who he was

tired of goin to bed everynight to never sleep

keeping one eye open in case i have to call n emt

nearly watched you die remember that moment and i still ****** cry

so i lay with a knife to my throat livin a lie knowing i jus wanna die

so this is my last birthday song remember when i saw love in your eyes now im jus tryin to get by

****** comersials on your average tv

next a show about teen pregnancy

followed by todlers in tiaras dressed as prostitutes on tlc

parents blaime others for 16 year old mothers

and guys who are allready left there seed

this isnt what its supposed to be

somethings different but when have life ever been as it seems

irational thoughts leave children with adult like dreams

, such as one day ill be the one on a movie screens

makin more money then my parents have ever seen.

intangible like the concepts we hold of love

. thinkin physical prosperity is owed since birth

but the only thing that is certain we shall die and decay like all things on earth

. then to those that beleive in love it is just a dream to keep our minds from becoming caotic and obscene

formaly known as lust to me

so then theres the question is it worth it to love at all

so you must ask if the high of belonging is worth the fall?

like love is a narcotic that we are injected with at birth from the first time being held.

instantly addicted  going from good days of smiles and your feet light as air

to the moments claiming you dont care but you cant stop shaking and you pull out your once beautiful hair.

thinkin looking at the stick wondering why would you go there

why did you let him carress and touch u

why did u ever give your purity up.

he wispered sweet nothings but you could never tell,

you could of even made him wear protection but now you think of you parents n how could you live this hell

you created this child inside of you

little bump a light kick as your face turns a new

this warming glow thst would change your life

but now mommy in the tub found her knife

Every smile is to be paid double its weight in pain, paid outright and full before intrest is gained. I escaped depressions grasps for first 12 years of my life. Someone forgot to tell me what i owe, now i dont mean to seek pitty with my tale of missery and woe. But it seems some nights the devil takes a certain interest in my crimson eliqour of life. he to just wants to see it pour from my veins flow like silk down my leg and hear me say.. nothing.. no cry for help in fear someone would notice the scars i cover with my pair of jeans. Some say its in that that i aquired such a lovely taste a hatred for myself. Others have told me to get over it, everyone feels depressed sometimes, but most nights i dont see the light my path is a foggy stormy night sailing without the stars you can not tell me its the same and im the one who should lay the blaime on myself  for letting it get this bad.