I die everytime i see you.
And i see you every day.
I have a panick attack from the thought that you don't love me like you used to.
Im a drunk.
Im a ******* drunk.
Not a drop of alchohal in my blood but im always ******* drunk.
Im not what you think i am.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Please. Im ******* begging.
Please.
That wasn't me.
You know that wasn't ******* me.
I know i did it.
But it wasn't ******* me.
I have night mares.
Please.
Please.
I dont want you back.
I ******* hate you.
Why do i ******* love you?
***** dont ******* touch me!
All i ever wanted was that touch!
Please forgive me..

you and me....we were so close
father like daughter, the bestest of friends.
you were my savior, you taught me about Jesus, you used to read me the bible every night to me..
you deliverd me to Christ and prayed the prayer of salvation with me, and i was saved.
but see then you stopped coming home, and when you did, you were always drunk!
hitting my mom, pushing me around. i guess things got a little to heavy for you...
see, i wish i knew it was alchohal, i wish i knew that wasent my daddy, that would hurt me... but i didnt!
so i hide from you, under my bed, clenching on to my blanky cause you and mama were screaming...always fighting.
i didnt know what to do!!
what happens when the one you were suppost to look up to, wasent there. what if they started changing?
ever  since i was little all i wanted to do was follow in your foot steps... i only wanted to be just like you . play piano like you did, walk/ talk like you did, be Christ like you did, but now....?you were so angry at me, so drunk...you hated God, i even thought you hated me, so i did too... then you left me and mama at home not knowing what to do...not knowing where you were, where you went. i hated myself, because my own father hated me! you probably didn't know that, did you... probably didn't know that Ive wanted and to commit suicide ... and i wouldent be here, if my mom and my friends hadent caught me... I NEEDED YOU THEN! .... dad, i needed you to show me that God didnt hate me, that he set me out to be a woman of God. That identity isnt about fitting in, or being so perfect all the time. since i didnt have you in my life i was always fighting for approval because i felt like when you left, you hated me, that i wasent good enough to be called your daughter. i wish i would have known its okay to make mistakes sometimes... i wish i would have known about controlling my anger, and to have respect for my leaders.... i wish i would have known that i could stand up for myself, but i didnt... i didnt know that i was important. important enough to not hurt myself. that i was made for more... so i had to figure that out for myself! after years of hating God and YOu, i had to figure out what a fool i was and that i really didnt have to let people abuse and mock me... that i could havve stopped that! i wish i knew that when i was  threatend to be killed, i could have called out for help, i could have told someone.... but you stood back...behind the lines. i thought i lost you...

Once again i reach my hand in the cabnet
and i find myself lost searching for relif as ive already passed out on the floor....i
ve been searching for something greater...
but i knoow who i am in Christ
and i know i dont need alchohal....
but its an addiction already..
where do i seek guidence?...
i feel like everyone around me would only lose hope in me.
Thats why the truth kills me,
i know the truth in what im doing,
and what i should be doing..

My boy is gone, my life is over,
drunk so much alchohal never to be sobber.
i miss you,  miss your laugh,
that i know fast, I loved you bro dearly,
but you left me behind. I want you back,
this my brother is a fact. But i know your gone, so I
must let you go, Its hard to live without you,
this i will i know is true.

I've been trying to write for months
More desperate than junkies on city corners
Because the lines I write on my paper
Are better than the ones you take up your nose
Paper in this notebook is worth more than the paper that you brag about having on social media
You see I've taken to choosing words and phrases
Rather than choosing what strand to smoke next
Fancy words like abittor
Do more for me than Lysergic acid diethylamide
Withdrawls from pen and paper are worse than
Withdrawls from amphetamines
Being a writer
Is something you are never warned about
Because one day you will on top of the world
And the next day you will be on the edge
Just to get an adrenaline rush and motivation to write
Why do you think the best writers sucumb to alchohal stains, white noses, and scared veins
The best writer I know has shelves of prescriptions, like a library of books
My favorite poems are inspired not by writers lines, but rather lines I chop myself
Drinking your poems with ***** as a chaser
No one warns you about being a poet

alchohal and razor bladed, a twisted gaze, an open vein - a hart to bleed, a mouth to feed, the price is high if i suceede - sollace lost to higher ground, place all theses dreams in lost and found - a touch brings tears and two deaf ears, help build a wall around my fears - a need so deep brings loss of sleep, sanity is yours to reap - a dark and simple vow is made - to move along - to let it fade - a wisdome of my own designe, tuck it all away, in no one confide.