i try not to think about you
before i go to sleep

because then you might
be in my dreams

those few seconds
in the morning,

before i wake up fully
and think that it really happened,
that you really did love me

and then realizing that you don't
all over again,
it's just too painful.

I want to be with you

in the night.

watch the starts
and just
breathe.

together.

i think about you
all the time

i imagine the way
you would look at me if you loved me.
the way you would purposefully
brush past my elbow
when we passed by each other.
the way you would say my name,
cherishing the sound in your mouth.

i wonder if you ever
think about
me.

i want you to love me,
try to deny it,
and fail.
terribly.

i want you to catch my eye
in the hallway
and wink

i want you to give me
that look
when someone is making a fool of themselves
and we are trying desperately
not to laugh

i want you to watch my lips
when i talk
and try to imagine
what it would be like
to kiss them

until you finally get up
the courage
to go ahead and do it

i want you to hold my hand
the special way
with our fingers intertwined

i want you.
i want us.

your hair is so perfect

i love those curls
that you keep mostly hidden
under your
ever - present
hats.

all i can think of
is
kissing you
and running my fingers through
your hair

i want to be the only person
you will let near it
i want you
to pretend that
it bothers you
but secretly love
how much
i would play with it

i want to kiss you
and run my fingers
through your hair

my lips
get so chapped

i can't help it

but if you would
kiss them

i would try
so hard
to keep them
nice and
tender
just for you

sometimes
my textbooks
turn into
gibberish
and i have no idea
what they are trying to tell me

i really like the closet
i have a pillow and
all my notebooks
some candy
my laptop
a place to put my feet

i bet i spend more
time on the floor in my closet
than anywhere else in the house

tag
itch, itch, itch
scratch
wiggle

this isn't working

she still comes to your room
to check on you,
in the middle of the night

to see if you are still breathing
just like when you were a baby

in the day she looks annoyed at you
and you, in turn
look annoyed at her.

you get in fights.
you call her a *****,
say that you hate her
and wish that she never adopted you.
you run away

but
she still comes to your room
to check on you
in the middle of the night
to see that you are still breathing

i've gotten over it
mostly.
now it's just
the flutteries

and that's only when you
look at me
or talk to me
or are particularly close

this is good.
i'm not sure how long
i could have lasted
in the state i was in before.

this isn't pleasant

i don't like this feeling
i've felt sick
with giddiness
the past two days.
it's not a good sort of giddiness.

i wish i could brush off our interactions
like i can with everyone else
it just isn't working

i need to
get over you now
or cut you off

like i always have before.

but
my blankets are so cozy and warm
and the world out there is so harsh and cold

i don't want to get up.

wool socks
fuzzy pj pants
too-big sweater
scarf
messy bun
notebook
music

this is my favorite sort of night

noises don't come through properly
when you aren't quite awake

muffled grumbles and mumbles
that's all you can hear

hopefully you can block them out
and sleep those extra few minutes

fuzzy

that's how it feels

like the static on an old tv

a sort of
cshhhh noise
and
black and white pixels
moving all around

that's what it feels like

past the point of just plain tired
past stupidity
past being hyper
past crashing

now it's just a general looming feeling
hanging over you

it doesn't go away.

you can tell by their eyes.
the way they look at you.

even if it is just a passing glance from
a stranger on the street

you can tell.

i've had fluttery things in my stomach
all day
because of you

i get so nervous.
everyone else, i can deal with.
easily.
so easily.

but you,
you're different

i get that feeling
whenever you say so much as
say a word to me

nevermind
talking to me in the hallway
then texting me after school
and keeping it going
for hours

i don't know what to do
i can't deal with this
what am i supposed to do?

sometimes the little things
like
waiting for the toast to pop
    your text to send
    the song to start
    to tie your shoes
    your hair to dry

all those
everyday little things

they seem so
insignificant,
annoying

but - what if they weren't there?
where would we be?

people all around
never seen them before
but now,
you are sharing
a breathing space
a living space

not forever,
only for this little bit of time
maybe a minute or two,
maybe an hour or two

moments that seem insignificant

really are
immeasurably important

(pt. 1)

how?
how could i not have known?
how come you didn't tell me?
you trust me,
right?
i would have helped.
maybe that's why.

she said they were,
i said i would punch them in the face.
she said it wouldn't help,
i said i didn't care.
she said it would make it worse,
i said okay, fine. i won't.

how did you hide it so well?
how come no one knew?
it happened all the time.
how is everyone so blind?
no one knew.
or if they did,
they
didn't
care.
i care.

(pt. 2)

i care.
and i didn't know.
i would do something,
and i didn't know.
i would help,
and i didn't know.
i would figure out a way,
and i didn't know.
i would stop it,
and i didn't know.

the first time i cried
you said you didn't tell me
because you were afraid.
you were afraid
something like this would happen.
you were afraid that
i would be scared and hurt
and sad
and try to help.

maybe it's better
because you learned the lesson yourself
maybe you wouldn't have
if it hadn't gotten so bad.

i still wish you had told me.
why didn't you tell me?
how?