fairy lights & my computer screen
to illuminate the pages
that i'm staining with my thoughts

headphones over my ears
with music loud enough
to drown out the rest of the world

a four-poster bed & bedside table
making the dreams i had when i was a child
come true

piles of blankets, pillows & notebooks
to make me feel cozy and at home

as well as the feeling of being loved
sinking into my soul

used,
    then thrown aside

i didn't realize

how can i do this?
why are there so many of them?
i never meant for it to be this way

the one that meant the world to me now means nothing
i'm fine with them being gone,
but i'm not fine with the time that will inevitably come
when you are in their place

please,
come back soon

we're all dreadfully worried,
and i'm losing my mind

i've been avoiding writing about you
because i spend so much time thinking about you

i'm tired of it
& i want to spend as little time as possible
continuing to do so

i want some time to myself

some time
when you aren't lurking in the back of my thoughts

i want there to be a time
when i can see something,
                    say something,
               watch something,
                  hear something,
        remember something,
and not think of you

*you've moved on from that point,
why can't i?

i waited for this moment for so long,
but now that it's over
the memory is slipping out of my grasp

i can almost remember the feel of your mouth on mine
and the taste you left on my tongue

i can almost remember the feel of your hand
on my ***
grabbing, pulling me in for more

i can almost remember the urgency
with which you pulled me on top of you

the feeling i remember best is having to leave you the next morning
and the waiting, the longing
of wanting to see you again
then,
the letdown of it never happening

i ******* love you
and i want to remember
how it feels
to love you this hard
till the end of time

i've resigned myself to the fact
that i will never be able to truly love anyone
until you're completely, utterly gone