I settle in &
watch cars pass my house
for three straight hours.
it’s the summer,
I’ve lost the battle with my mind today.
and I remember,
That’s it. That’s all it is. Just a battle,
I have a whole war to fight.

i settle in tomorrow,
smile at myself in the mirror,
feel the feeling of absurdity and acceptance-
Well, it never stays too well.
I lose the battle once again.

when the night sets in & im all alone
To my thoughts waging on
I’ll be exhausted in the morning and throughout the day
maybe i can lay my head down somewhere
That’s not my car.
but now my car is stuck in the road for three straight hours.
It’s a lump of plastic and metal,
But I feel myself losing against the chemicals in my brain with odds fighting me.

in less than a week,
A home finds me.
My weary soul finds a place to go.
I find structure in modern soulmates-
Maybe I’ll be less hopeless.
I’ll settle in & forget about the past 6 months.
& I’ll win many more battles.

my eyes are sore.
each night i meet the sun
and add up the hours
i add up the hours from
work, work, college
i calculate
how long i slept,
and there's never enough time
in the daytime
to do what i need to do,
but i cannot be tired.
i have such a long way to walk

“we should sit in my car
behind this abandoned house
we should fill our lungs with smoke,
i can change your mind,
while your world is a blur,
the pressure between your hips
will be heavier than ever.
and when it’s all said and done,
I’ll make you promise to keep it a secrect.
and when it’s all said and done,
You’ll sympathize with that house,
And you’ll feel empty just like that house.
Your frames will bend and break,
And I don’t care how you’re getting home.
And I don’t care that your eyes are blinded with tears.
i just want you.
but you’ll feel heavy and empty all at once when I’m done with you. “

i was a child of a broken home,
but my parents were never broken up.
i am a child of untreated mental illness and severe alcoholism,
mom & dad riddled with the fear of growing up,
still blaming their parents for how they turned out.
& i saw the cycle repeated when my siblings grew unsuccessful
"it's not me, it's how my roots were planted twisted,
the death of a sister at a young age really makes a family fall apart.
it's not me, it's how my father didn't care. i just wanted
to be approved of.
i just wanted to be cared for,
but i am the way i am because my mother taught me to
be intoxicated instead of face my problems."

my siblings live in fear of becoming like my parents,
but they never take charge to alter the cycle

I grew with abuse to my mind and body,
and all i can do now is
heal myself and run far away

i am no longer my past,
the place i come from will have nothing to do
with who i become.

the fog looked like smoked this morning
and i thought the city would burn down.
no one was rushing to save the burning buildings
because it's only fog that encased this town.

the air smelled like fire, falling debris
and i knew i wanted to escape this town to feel free
everyone had a dead look in their eyes,
but i drove towards the exit to escape everything