I didn't have someone I could tell everything to
For a very very long time.
It was trial and error for me
And I cut off the errors
And kept trying.
It took years
To trust one single person.
How am I supposed to find that again?

I was told that these people were what was painted
There's hope in this blood and fine lines
And there's pain in the hope that's draped
Over the woodlands,
This future will never be what you wanted.
Over the skyline,
This life is bought and pay for,
And you sold the hours in between.
Sometimes they move too fast to understand.
This is all so slow compared to what I knew...
My eyes are rested,
And I can see they take this all for granted.

I hope you never have to have tears roll down your face
While the walls close in
And there's a pain equal to a thousand tons your chest
And you don't even know why
Everything should be okay,
Because you're about to go on vacation, you finished high school, and you have money that you're about to move out with
Any normal person would feel like a million suns

But I don't

I am so so so **** lucky,
But I still can't sleep at night,
I have no energy and daytime haunts me.

I should be happy by now.

I lost my complexity the day my wisdom teeth broke through.
Or that's what it felt like,
Because people stopped telling me things like
"Something about you is mysterious."
There's so much I still never told anyone.

I lost how interesting I was the day I said I'll leave
I blended in and became just like the rest of this town
I forgot how I was different when I wore expensive shoes.
Because I didn't stop and appreciate the uniqueness I could contain

Its been around 3 months or so since i actually tried to make new experiences.
people now surround me when i don't want to be alone,
don't want to sleep alone

i think i'm getting used to talking out loud and
having no one talk back.
i can't even tell if i'm isolating myself or if everyone is giving up on me.

were these people here to just pass time in the first place?
was i there just to entertain so they didn't get bored?
every day i smile wide,
because these people sure as hell never helped me through ****.

i refuse to truthfully apologize to my mother ever again
she loves alcohol more than me.
her priorities come from distorted memories,
stemmed from dreams mix with intoxication and night time cold medication
her eyes are wide, her blood vessels in her face surface
there was nothing i could ever do.

i refuse to ever mean "i'm sorry" to a woman who, on a daily basis,
calls me stupid and constantly tells me i need to lose weight
she wakes me up in the middle of the night and scares me.
and i'm 10 years old mentally all again, afraid.
and i'm 6 years old mentally all again, locked away, hiding.

maybe its for the best i leave

No one will notice the warning signs.
Tell them right to their face, it'll be ignored.
Is it really worth being lonely,
Even when so many people love you?
Is it really worth the breaking feeling in your stomach
And the led in your heels
With glass in your toe?
Is it honestly worth laying in bed and
Falling apart instead of falling asleep every night?
If you're like me
You see your safety differently.
You forget to eat or wear your seatbelt.
Some days it's best you don't drive at all.

No one will see the street signs that tell you
What's about to happen,
But in the end they'll be in tears when it's all lost.

I forgot how it felt to feel alive
And now I feel absolutely nothing