if I could forget the fact that I can't take control,
lower my expectations on where our conversations go
maybe things would be easier for me
I am, however, as hopeless as they come some nights

when i metaphorically jump off a skyscraper,
i guess i need to not only fall,
but i also need to fly.
and soar above these dead city lights
and forget who i am until i can crash again

It's terrifying to suffer from years and years of
low self esteem, no confidence, and not caring if you stopped living
i'm only now healing and it's terrifying to think
someone could break me any moment
or if I think about what happened... that night..
the things that were screamed at me when I was barely awake
and the ways I started my days, breathing in as many chemical I could
or how I felt... when the chemicals didn't want to trick my brain
when I let myself fall.
all I have to do listen to a song that reminds me of how I felt.

take take take take me back, and remind me of when  I tried to feel nothing
I remember being given pills to take,
"You enjoy feeling nothing, and I don't"
I kept them in the car, in a gum bottle
and never chewed the gum
and so I felt nothing

and I tried not to feel you.
I sat at home alone
and now i'm trying not to remind myself

that's okay
I've accepted that if i break again,
then I will break.

but I'm healing. I am trying.
I even read books about it,
and listen to songs about it

we could respect those around us,
while respecting ourselves.
we could love each other with trust,
but not until we fall in love with ourselves
do you trust yourself?
because self love is more than bubble baths and buying things
take a walk with yourself, and have long conversations
ponder on the meaning of life and slow dance with yourself
fall in love with you & let's be truthful
because before anyone else can wrap their arms around you
before anyone else can call you beautiful
you have to learn it before they do

i find it terrifying how i see myself losing my mind
each night mare i see a drastic change
i find it ironic how i used to be afraid of those who lost their minds
but now i'm only afraid of myself
have i lost my mind?

Drugs are no different from the love you show me
Hot nights, cold showers, cheap hotel rooms
Walk into the musty air on the second floor
Fall into unknown cities and drunk strangers
weliveonforever weliveonforever we live on
and the sun never seemed so bright
the sky is purple tonight
maybe my words are just slurs through the alcohol
my teeth can't speak
we live. on. forever.

i think of passed days, and
i smell smoke and vanilla
perfume, bought second handed
i think of last summer, and
i smell what loneliness would smell like
if i try hard enough i know the smell of
over used air conditioners
and it hits me in the stomach, and i know
what the feeling of staying up all night feels like
sober and innocent in the spring time
but that was so long ago,
and i don't want to live
not here any more
i like to think of the days because the hurricanes.

you're not broken, not corrupted
you're so pure,
never knew a noose
i may love you,
but i'm so broken and corrupted
i'm not so innocent
can't forget how to tie a noose
why won't you love me?