i need you to call me on the phone and beg me
not to hang up
i need you to tell me you're sorry, not for all the horrible things you've done,
but for not being there when you should have been.
i know it's not all your fault, i know you're a sick woman,
but i belong to you.
i will always belong to you.

i need you to sit down with me and hold my hand and cry with me
and tell me about your past lovers and why they left you
i need you to tell me about your first kiss
i need you to tell me that being a woman is terrifying, yet empowering
and list the reasons why.
i need you to set an example.

i need you to tell me you'd do anything for me,
i need you to acknowledge that you are a liar and that
the words you use with me are almost always
meaningless.

sometimes i fantasize about one day
typing out all of the sad and angry and vicious and painful poems
i've written about you, ripping them from my
typewriter, sticking them in a tightly sealed enveloped
and leaving them in your mailbox with a note on the front that says:
"here is all that i couldn't say. goodbye."
and then getting on a plane to nowhere, anywhere
and never coming back.

i need you to be someone you are not, and perhaps
never were
maybe that's why i cling so tightly
to those pictures of you when you were 21,
because you look so
happy, beautiful, magnetic.
you look like how i'd like to remember you,
how i'd like to know you.
we were all someone different once.

i need you and i know
it's an inconvenience and for that,
i am sorry.

at least i have the photographs.

I was in love with anatomy
the symmetry of my body
poised for flight,
the heights it would take
over parents, lovers, a keen
riding over truth and detail.
I thought growing up would be
this rising from everything
old and earthly,
not these faltering steps out the door
every day, then back again.

One day I will
Publish ten books of poetry and
Burn eleven of them.

Tastes of metal. Tastes of rust.
I take wisps of music from the air
to try to fill up the hole.
I am not whole.
I ******* own limits,
my own blossoming self-doubt.
I am afraid of learning to hate.

I want to be the answer to somebody's question.
Is life so short that love will
evade my outstretched fingertips?
Water droplets and flowers on the ground,
and peaches.
Hugs that end too soon. Can
I ask for it to stop? Can I take
a breath?

Do you draw your own lines or
watch them form around you?
Or did you not notice them at all?

I want to be someone's wispy,
wishful thought,
drifting to touch the ground,
back in the air with the wind,
I bet it would taste like
freedom.
Having no choice.
What a paradox.

You're better than the first rain of spring
sent to quench the worn soil
better than my first memory
or my fathers smile
you're better than the song of every bird I've ever heard
every book I've ever read
or dream I've ever dreamt
You're the best thing in my world
and every second with you
is the best moment of my life

And I was dead.
Dead asleep.
Trying to fight my demons,
In lands you only meet in dreams.
My pillow smelled of fear,
And my skin smells like you.
This perfume is the only remain
You left as evidence
of the ******
We
Both
Committed.

You got that special look That steals my breath.
laying down with you i get no rest.
My heart goes dun dun dun inside my chest.
When it comes to loving, you're the best.  

You're the reason i get out of bed.
Go to work Til i drop dead.
And one thing, I must address.
The sight of you as you undress.
Stops me, puts me in a trance.
Lord please give me once last chance.
To make her smile til her face hurts.
Stay up all night making love to her.
Rushing through the day to clock out.
So i could see what she's sad about.
Coming home to see her cook.
I just can't help myself but look.
She's in nothing but her birthday suit.
As tempting as forbidden fruit.
I'm the Adam to her eve.
Sometimes i still just don't believe.
That she's in love with someone like me.
And she's not afraid if the world sees.
How happy together we can be.
Loving for all eternity.    

But one thing i now understand.
God made her for another man.
And no matter how much it hurts.
I still have to hope it works.
So in the future i will see.
Your amazing smile because you're happy.
Even if it's not with me.
I'll let you go and let it be.  

Saying goodbye was always hard.
My heart is soft from all the scars.
left behind as you walked away.
Where would we be if you had stayed?
Would we be at a beach playing in the sand.
Or white skirt twirling in Ireland.
These specific words have caught your ears.
But I just can't stop myself here.
I miss you more every single day.
I kept your letters by the way.
I read them every single night.
And think of how you did me right.
And i did you wrong.
So I guess I'll just move along.
And say goodbye.
Trying my hardest not to cry.
As our fingers seem to lose their grip.
And our broken hearts continue to rip.
I have to say just one last time.
I love you with all this heart of mine.  

And as I say I'm moving on.
Document my feelings into a song.
Telling the truth of how i feel.
My heart is always yours to steal.
And If you ever feel the same.
If it brings you back I'll take the blame.
And change my ways.
If it makes you stay.
Please Do it soon I'd hate to wait.  

Suddenly it hits , is been too long.
You've moved on and found someone .
Who makes you smile and makes you laugh.
I thought i was the best at that.
So I'll end my thoughts with these last words.
I hope you get what you deserve.
That Big house.
That's Full of kids.
That Amazing spouse.
What You wanted.
And as life pushes through.
I'll try my best to believe the truth.
That We were not supposed to be.
I'm not the one for you, you're not the one for me.
But i can't seem to loose this thought.
The necklace you made, the one i bought.
Getting Tangled up, intertwined.
Guess I'll have to stop this heart of mine.
From loving you more with every breath.
Because of my memories you're the best.

Every Day i wake up.
Expecting To find my one true love.
Laying Next to me.
But all i see.
Is an empty space where my heart used to be.
By the time that lunch has come,
I feel like I've lost someone.
but gained a thought.
Which Is helping me be less distraugt.
Life has lessons you must learn.
No punishment i didn't earn.
And now that it is clear to me.
I'll let you go and let it be

We wait at the same stop.
It's pouring, and we join the huddle of people
Keeping dry under the cold metal.
I expect her to get on one of the Arab bus lines,
Because she's an Arab.
That was racist and I smile to myself when
She gets on the 74 with me.
We end up jammed in the middle, standing face to face
In a sea of human waves, getting on, off, hustling.
There is an Ethiopian lady next to us with a baby strapped to her back.
I think the girl is wistful. I wonder if she's wondering about her future, like me.
Her makeup is better done than mine is and she looks sad.
I wonder what secrets lie beneath her elegantly obscured body.
I remember when I was Orthodox- we were parallel lines.
I sneak a look at her hijab. I wonder if she looks at my hair.
I notice two rings, a diamond and a gold, on her left hand.
She follows my gaze, twitches her fingers nervously and moves her hand.
I wonder how he treats her. Is she afraid of him? Is she sad?
She looks sad. I want to ask her what's wrong.
Does she speak Hebrew? Maybe. Probably not. Maybe.
I want to at least meet her eyes and smile,
So she knows someone noticed,
But my eyes flit and dart away every time I try,
And all I can see is the hate that's been wedged between us since the 20's.
She can't be much older than me, I think as she takes out an Iphone
In a bright pink case, a twin to the one I'd checked in its turquoise case
About 30 seconds ago. We get off at the same stop.
She waits for a transfer and I start walking to school.
I will never see her again, but I hope that maybe our future daughters
Will be able to smile at each other on a crowded bus, and maybe even be friends.

Last night I decided to try something.
Something I would never tell anyone.
Anyone could have done something to me.
Me I felt different, incredibly clear.

Clear sky filled with question about what is.
Is it really bad that it felt so good?
Good that I couldn’t stop myself from more?
More experience but still not enough,

enough of this pretending to be cool.
Cool, winter, nights bring me back to this life.
Life is too precious for me to waste it.
It could be so much better than it is.

Is it my fault? Or can I blame someone?
Someone to take the fall for my mistakes,
mistakes I made that can’t be taken back,
back to the days when these bad things scared me.