Sometimes it seems

that my best memories

and my worst memories

are the same.

But how can I miss

all those times that I lived

through such darkness and pain?

It feels so stupid to say

that I want to go back

when at the time it felt like I was in hell.

But am I really any better off

now than I was then?

Sometimes it can be so hard to tell.

I think back on all

these events from my past

and I wish that they were happening now.

My life today

seems much worse by comparison,

and I just don’t understand how.

When I know that back then

I was far more unhappy

and I had every reason to be,

and my brain tells me now

every aspect of life

has only gotten better for me.

Why do I miss people

I never liked in the first place

and want to do things I hated to do?

I can’t seem to accept

that things are better today

although I know for a fact it is true.

When I think of the past

I always feel longing

for that time that I can’t help but miss.

When I feel sorrow for what I have lost,

I must remember to tell myself this.

“These thoughts are not true,

and this feeling is false

it is just a cruel trick of the mind

the path laid before you

is never as lovely

as the one that you left behind.”

I am still young,

but I am getting older.

The days seem slow,

but the years are moving faster.

When I look back

on when I was a child

it seems so far away,

at least a million miles.

And those days

are lost and seem forgotten

but there are times

I feel like I could touch them.

I feel so weak

and powerless as an infant.

And yet I know

soon I will reach the limit

to the time that I can waste

just sitting here and waiting

till I can find my strength

and stop feeling like a baby.

The time has come

for me to be moving forward

but I’m afraid.

I just feel like such a coward.

Will I ever know

which way I should be moving

and stop thinking of

all the things I could be losing?

How much more time

do I have before it’s too late

for me to find

the life that is my true fate?

I know I should

be brave enough to change things

but I am still

just a person in the making.

I desperately need to believe in the potential of humanity,that there is the possibilitythat we can all become better.I know that if we learn to change eventually there will come a daywhen we will live the right wayand give up all our evils. I imagine a future timewhen we will see the value in every life,all humans and non-humans alike,and there will be no more prejudice. We will learn to protect the earth.We will love her and see her worth.We'll vow to never be like we were,so destructive and selfish.We will learn to live in harmonywith each other and all we see,and we'll know there's no need to beangry, greedy or frightened.We'll restore all that we have harmed,release the innocent from inside their bars,instead we'll hold them in our armsand never again will we use them. No longer judging by appearances,we'll see everything for just what it is,and acceptance is all that we will giveto those who are not like us.There will be no more need to fight over what is wrong and what is rightbecause at last we will see the lightthat our beliefs do not matter.That our actions are all that countthere is nothing to worry aboutjust as long as we live withoutcausing pain or suffering.

I need to believe in something.

I need to feel that there’s something out there,

a force of some sort that guides us

out of the path of all our worst fears,

but religions all seem to be harmful

encouraging only hated and fear.

So I pray to unnamed powers

and hope that something out there can hear.

Please help me find the answer.

Please tell me what to do.

Will I ever find my place in life?

Will I ever know the truth?

I know what’s right and wrong for me.

I figured that out on my own.

I just need something to tell me

am I truly all alone?

Please tell me….

What is this life?

What is it for?

What am I here to do?

Is there any reason to it all?

Why should I bother pushing through?

Is there really any meaning

in this random chaotic world?

And if I keep trying hard enough,

will my prayers ever be heard?

I don’t believe in destiny.

I don’t believe in fate,

but sometimes it seems

that the way things happen

must be more than some mistake.

So what is it then?

How does this work?

Who decides what’s going to be?

Is there something out there guiding the world

or is this really up to me?

The three of us are now tied

together all our lives

by the ritual performed on that night.

Liquor and despair.

the blood that we shared

it seems insane when seen in daylight.

I’d been drinking 151

so my body was numb

as I took that blade in my grip.

And I couldn’t feel

the cold touch of the steel

or my blood as it started to drip.

By what were we compelled?

I just cannot tell.

I’m sure nothing like it will happen again.

It was a strange sort of madness

I don’t know what possessed us.

We haven’t dared to speak of it since then.

Blood on the interstate,this world is an awful place.I don't know what I can doto convince you to make a change.Why can't you understand?There is nothing that gives a manthe right to abuse and destroythe animals or the land.It seems death is everywhereand nobody seems to care.How can you just keep drivinglike you don't see the bodies lying there?You've paved over all their homes.Now they have nowhere to go.You **** them without a second thoughtif they dare to step on your roads.Your apathy just breaks my heart.Your cruelty tears it apart.How can I make you see this when I don't even know where to start?

I view my world through broken glass

it distorts everything I see.

Things that should be nice and comforting

all look dangerous to me.

Everything around me, everyone I know

is so twisted and unreal.

I’m living in this nightmare wasteland

where fear is all I feel.

I know this place is beautiful

I hear it all the time

but it just looks like a prison cell

to these broken eyes of mine.

All these strangers that surround me

I guess you’d call them family and friends

just make me feel like I’m a spy

who’s trying to act like one of them.

Is there somewhere out there I can go

that will really look like home?

or am I doomed to see only ugliness,

and to always feel alone?

Are there people out there in this world

who will truly be my friends?

who will love me and respect me

and on whom I can depend?

If I keep searching long enough

will I ever find a way

to see the beauty in this life

so I will have a reason to stay?

Or will I wander aimlessly

until the day I die?

looking for a place and a life

that I will never find?

I wish that I could see the world

for what it really is

but my corrupted vision

is a problem I don’t know how to fix.

For now I’ll keep pretending

to see things the way you do

and hope that I’m the one who’s wrong

and it’s you who sees the truth.

Things look like they're changing,

but they are really just the same.

I am still just as lonely,

no one even knows my name.

No matter what I try

I am still just as worthless.

No matter what I do

I still feel just as hopeless.

Bombs exploding in my chest.

My brain is bleeding in my head.

The tears I won't allow to flow

burn like acid down my throat.

My body shakes with all the pain

of these thoughts that mutilate my brain.

I try to make myself appear

as if I'm not being burned alive by fear.

I put a smile on my face and fake

that I've accepted my mistakes,

but inside I can feel my heart

as it's slowly ripping itself apart.

Who are we to say we’re better?

Who are we to say we’re more

declare ourselves the overseers

and rulers of the world we know?

Why can’t we see that each life is precious?

Why don’t we understand the truth

that no matter where it comes from

each life deserves to live?

We **** the earth.

We **** her creatures.

We even **** our own.

Humanity has become a cancer

draining life out of the world.

Some of us try to stop the damage,

to cure the earth of her disease

but the only way to fix this problem

would be to cure her of ourselves.

Other creatures live together

a perfect balance with their world

but humans can never understand

that each life affects us all.

We feel so disconnected.

We think we’re each in this alone.

If we could realize we’re part of nature

all our problems would be solved.

We will have to learn compassion

and respect for all the world.

We will have to be more selfless

than we ever thought we could.

For if we don’t abandon our old ways

if we can’t move beyond our past

we ensure our own destruction.

The earth will cure herself of us.

I am a canvas,that's all that I am.I've painted myself the best that I can,but the truth is it's lifethat has changed me the most.Every person I've knownstill haunts me like a ghost.Everything that I've done and everywhere I have beenyou can hear in my voice,you can see on my skin. Evey choice that I've made,each opportunity missed,has left it's own marking,it's own little kiss.I've been colored by placesand shaded by time. So which part of myself can I truly call mine?Now who am I really?Which part is me?Without all this paintwho would I be?

On days like today when the weather is lovely

but I can smell winter in the air

I feel a sweet sadness deep down in my soul

for the beauty I wish I could share.

There’s a sense of dull aching inside of my heart

as I hear the wind’s breath in the trees

and I understand the way they must feel

as they mourn the loss of their leaves.

The times when I see that the world holds such wonder

are the times when I feel most alone.

I just can’t believe that I could ever manage

to withstand such beauty on my own.

On just any average unremarkable day

loneliness doesn’t seem quite so bad

but on days like this one, I feel I have lost

something wonderful that I’ve never had.

And it breaks my heart

to feel this way.

Why can’t I just be happy

on such a lovely day?

I just don’t know what’s wrong.

I feel so broken now.

Why do things of beauty

make me so sad somehow?

Each change of the season brings a new beginning,

an opportunity to make a new start.

And I want nothing more than to change with the season

and to fill up this void in my heart,

but that never happens. I watch the years come and go.

This same emptiness just lingers on.

I try to pretend that everything’s alright.

I try to pretend that I’m strong,

but inside I feel weak, so lonely and hopeless.

I wonder will this feeling ever change?

I dream that one day it’ll float off on the wind

or be washed away by the rain.

We came to college to become a doctor,

a lawyer,

a teacher.

Now we’ve become a stoner,

a user,

a drinker.

We felt so optimistic,

excited

and brave.

Now we’re just hopeless,

overwhelmed

and afraid.

The lives that we want

now seem so out of reach,

years of misery

between us and our dreams.

We eat nothing but fast food

or nothing at all.

We hide in our rooms

and pray our parents don’t call.

We go out and get wasted every night

then sleep with people we don’t even like.

All this just to quiet the voice in our heads

screaming out that all of our dreams are dead.

We have to find a better system,

Create a future we can trust,

before the greatest minds of the future

reduce themselves to a pile of dust.

I think perhaps I could be happy

if I weren’t so afraid to lose control.

I know I would cry like a child

who is lost and can’t find her way home.

My shell of self-control is such a perfect place to hide.

I act like I have it all together

but the truth is, I just keep it all inside.

I’m sure that I could be exciting

if for once I could just let go.

I know that I could make connections

if I could just let my feelings show.

No happiness or sorrow,

no excitement, pain or rage.

My fear of my emotions

has become a tiny iron cage.

I’ve never made those dumb mistakes

that other people I know have.

I just can’t handle feeling foolish

and I hate making people mad.

The things I feel but never show

are eating me alive.

If I don’t get them out somehow

I’m afraid I won’t survive.

I know there are countless chemicals

to let you forget what’s on your mind.

And though that’s exactly what I need

I know I could never find

the courage to surrender my inhibitions

to let people see me lose control

I guess that kind of freedom

is something I will never know.

Why do we humans feel that

we have the right to

disregard all other beings

and do whatever we want to do?

Do we really think our vanity

is worth their suffering?

Is a slight increase in confidence

worth all the pain that it will bring?

Using all these products

meant to make us beautiful

to cause such terrible agony

is something unforgivable.

Injecting medications

meant to benefit humans

into defenseless bodies

so very different from our own.

We’ve known for many decades

that this cannot be accurate.

Stopping all this torture

would be for everyone’s benefit.

Creating such conditions

to cause depression and hopelessness

just to study their reactions

and see if they apply to us.

What could it possibly have been

that made us believe that

tormenting other creatures

would help us understand ourselves?

How can we continue

to inflict so much pain on

such kind and loving creatures

and not see that it’s wrong?

I hope that soon we’ll realize

the error of our ways

and at last we’ll bring an end to

these dark and evil days.

Ever present clouds

the darkest spring I can remember.

Mother Nature’s tears

falling down out of the heavens.

Storm clouds block out all the light

except the flashes of her rage

as she thinks about the suffering

we’re still inflicting to this day.

She weeps for the lives

of all her children who have died,

murdered for our tastes,

tortured for our vanity,

hunted down for our sick pleasure,

or left decaying on the highway.

She weeps for the evil

she has witnessed in humanity.

No love for one another.

No respect for our diversity.

Senseless wars just fought for profit

and only justified by artificial fear.

Unimaginable cruelty to innocent beings

screaming behind walls so we don’t have to hear.

We think our society has come so far.

We think that we’ve survived the storm.

But we’re still making all the same mistakes,

just in a slightly different form.

All the while she’s been trying to tell us

the only way that she knows how.

She’s been warning us to change our ways.

I fear it may be too late now,

But maybe if we hurry

we will find that there’s still time.

If we hear her pleas and make the change

perhaps she’ll clear the skies.

It seems destiny has

conspired against me

to make everything turn out wrong.

It seems all the good things

in life move to quickly

and the bad things always stay too long.

I just can’t understand

why nothing is easy,

why no decision can ever be clear.

And I can’t understand

why it is that I’m always

paralyzed by this deep-seated fear.

Each time I start to think

that my life’s on the right track

something happens that changes my mind.

Each thing that I feel

will at last make me happy

just makes me miserable time after time.

Why do some people

just know who they are

and what they want in life right from the start?

And why do some people

never seem to realize

what they truly desire in their hearts?

I want to find something

that will make me feel better

about who I am and what I have done.

I need to find something

that will help me discover

the person I want to become.

I feel there’s this force

that’s trying to stop me

from ever finding my true place.

It seems that in my

endless quest for fulfillment

I must be defying the fates.

I loved you for so long.

I tried to be so strong.

I know I did everything wrong,

I just hoped someday you’d see me standing there.

I tried to be your best friend.

I listened to you talk about them,

knowing they would hurt you in the end

but not knowing how to say that to you.

I loved you as you once were

before you ever met her

before she caused you such hurt

that you couldn’t stand to be yourself anymore.

I hated her for what she did.

Though she and I were once friends

her cruelty I could never forgive.

How could she hurt someone as selfless as you?

I knew that she would break your heart,

smash it to a million tiny shards.

That was clear right from the start,

and still I stayed to help you sweep up the pieces.

Even after all that pain

and all her little childish games

you still loved her just the same

and you gave up yourself to get someone like her.

You changed the person I cared for

to make all those pretty girls want you more.

The one you’ve found is beautiful of course.

I’m sure all your friends will envy you now.

You always wanted those girls

who were coveted by the whole world

the ones made of diamonds and pearls.

How could I have thought you would ever want me?

I hope that you are happy now

with the brand new life you have found

and I hope that you will figure out

how to have all the things that you've always wanted.

So many paths I could have taken.

So many things I might have tried.

Somehow I ended up where I am

and I just don’t know why.

I could have stayed in Morgantown

and earned my bachelors in getting high,

or gone to Maharishi

and let them teach me how to fly.

I could have done a million things

and I can’t help but wonder why,

why I chose the path I chose,

if this is all still just a lie.

I could have picked up and moved to Arizona

or Charlottesville Va.

lived in a ****** apartment

and worked for minimum wage.

I can’t help but write these stories

and watch them play out in my head

of everything that might have happened

of all the lives I might have led.

And I can’t help but wonder

where I might be today

if I had done things differently,

if I had chosen to walk away.

Instead I’m still here in this same town

where I have always been,

a town that will never understand me,

a town where I just don’t fit in.

All these options I’ve considered.

Still I can’t figure out

what I should be doing with my life

what I’m really all about.

Maybe one day I will find a path

to take me where I want to go

or perhaps I’ll wander all my life.

I guess you never really know.

I’d like to meet the mirror image of myself,

someone who feels the opposite

of everything I’ve felt,

a girl who’s done everything right,

and has never changed her mind

about what she wants.

I’d like to meet her just to see

how much happier than me

she really is.

I’d like to meet someone

who could have been like me,

but made all the right decisions

and turned out differently,

a girl who’s not afraid

and makes the most of everyday,

so I’ll know it’s possible.

I’d like to meet someone

who’s happy as she is,

who feels completely comfortable

inside of her own skin,

and doesn’t make herself feel bad

for every flaw she has.

Maybe she could tell me how she does it.

I want to meet the person

I could have become

if I had not been so afraid

and did all the things I wish I’d done,

and I want her to say

that I am still okay.

That I turned out alright.

My flesh it is a graph.

It tells the story of my life.

You can see the ups and downs

as they’ve happened over time.

I try to keep it hidden

but that’s often hard to do.

So they believe the lies I tell them.

No one wants to know the truth.

I don’t believe in medication

it only serves to dull the mind.

This may not be the best solution

but it’s the best that I can find.

Sometimes the pain builds up inside me

it’s either let it out or die

and my flesh is just a cage

holding everything inside

and when the bars are broken

the pain flows free.

I stay alive.

Each scar it holds a story

and a painful memory.

I’ve found a way to transform my hurt

from something I feel to something I see.

Yes, I know this isn’t healthy.

I’m aware that you think it’s insane

but everybody has their vices

and methods of dealing with their pain.

This is the method I have found

it’s the one that works for me.

It’s the only way I’ve ever known

that truly sets me free

of all the thoughts I hold inside,

the things I feel but never say

hoping that if I ignore them

perhaps they’ll go away.

But everyone knows that doesn’t work.

Problems never fix themselves

and so I do the best I can

to free myself from my own hell.

I feel such guilt

for the lifestyle of the human race.

We are destructive,

we are selfish, we are cruel.

I do all I can

to live the best way I know.

Maybe someday

if I can sacrifice

enough of the comforts of this life

then I will feel worthwhile.

I take it on myself

to compensate for their misdeeds.

I wish that I

could somehow separate myself from them,

and yet I know

that is something that can never be.

No matter what

I’ll always be a part of their society.

Sometimes I think

it’s better to live in the dark

yet I seek the light

though it hurts my heart and blinds my eyes.

I just have to

make myself aware

of all the pain and fear

we’ve been inflicting all these years.

Maybe if I know enough

about the atrocities of men

them I could find a way to show

them how awful they have been.

Surely these things,

that are so terrible to me,

can make other people see

how heartless they can be.

I dream of the day

when I will find that place

that finally feels like home to me.

I hope one day I’ll know

just where I should go,

and when I get there it will become clear

that at last I have found

that place I’ve dreamed about

and now everything will be okay.

This sweet fantasy

is what sustains me

it’s what stops me from losing my mind.

Because there must be an end

to this nightmare I’m in,

surely it can’t go on all my life.

When it feels like too much,

like I just can’t rise above

this frustration I feel everyday

I retreat to that lie

that I hold deep inside

and try convincing myself that it’s true.

I hope so much that it is.

Then perhaps I will get

a real chance at the life I long for,

a life filled with love

and all the joy of

an existence with meaning and worth,

and a place I can go

where I’ll always know

that this is where I’m meant to be,

a place of beauty and light

and clear starry nights

a haven where I will feel safe.

Tonight as I fall asleep

I will pray for sweet dreams

of the world I have made in my mind.

It seems I fall in love every daywith those who bare their soulsthrough the art that they create,the words that they write,or the music that they play.Only they make me believe thatsomeone understands my pain.I can't talk to people that I know.I never know just what to say.So I imagine the artists I admirewould understand me anyway.Though I only know them in my mind,they still are not as fakeas the people I have come to knowin the real life I have made

So many things to say to each of you,

most of which I probably never will.

So much pain we’ve caused each other,

and yet I love all of you still.



I am glad

that we’ve finally learned to work things out,

and I’ve come to terms

with what I know I can’t do anything about.

Still I wish

that our relationship was no so forced

that we could really talk

and try to understand each other more.

I have learned

how not to let the things you say

make me feel bad

or see myself in a different way.

I try so hard because you’re my family.



Sometimes I think

that you are really my best friend,

but other times

I’m so afraid to let down my defense.

I think only you

Understand this twisted brain of mine.

How can this be

when you say such hurtful things sometimes?

How can we feel

so very many of the same things

and yet react

in such completely different ways?

I still confide in you because you’re my family.



I have always

trusted you with most everything

I’m glad that now

you finally feel that you can trust me.

Now I know

you blame yourself for everything that went wrong.

You think somehow

you failed us back when we were young.

Well you should know

that none of that was ever your fault.

I know that you

loved both of us with all your heart.

I want to help you because you’re my family.



You are all my family.

You will always be my family.

It’s the ****** of the most innocent

those who could commit no crime.

Their souls have far more purity

than you could hope for yours or mine.

How can this be justified?

How can they say that it’s alright

to **** those who cannot protect themselves,

those who can’t put up a fight?

I wish that I were stronger

that I could truly speak my mind.

I know there’s courage deep inside me,

but it’s so ******* hard to find.

I want to tell the world

of all the evils that they do,

but I can’t seem to speak opinions

even when I know they’re true.

Why can’t people see it?

Why won’t they open up their eyes?

How can they ignore the suffering?

Can’t they hear the anguished cries?

Don’t they know that they can stop it?

Don’t they know it’s up to us?

If we just sacrifice a couple luxuries

we can make the suffering stop.

I want to make a difference.

I want to change the way we live.

I’d give up anything to do that

but I just don’t know what to give.

I wish that I were strong enough

to convince them to make the right choice

but I can’t seem to speak up so loud

that they can here my voice.

Inside my head I’m screaming

but from my mouth just a whisper comes out.

I wish that I could be the type

to look them in the eyes and shout.

Stop what you’re doing!

Stop it now!

before more lives are lost.

Stop acting like a selfish child

never thinking of the cost

of all these stupid things you want

these things you think you really need.

If you would just give up a few desires

your poor slaves could all be freed.

Today a poor sweet

innocent life was lost.

It was by my hand

so I must pay the the cost.

But who understands?

Who will let me confess?

Will anyone tell me

how to repay my debt?

What could possibly equal

the worth of a life?

I have stolen a treasure

that is without price.

How can I express

the intensity of

the regret that I feel?

Nothing could be enough.

What could I have done?

It all happened so fast.

Everything moved so quickly,

I could not react,

but in flashes of memory

I see each detail

a maddening view

of a creature so frail.

In my mind I can see

a look of pure fear

and a small helpless scream

of agony fills my ears.

Cries of “I’m sorry”

that no one will hear

as my face becomes covered

with self-loathing tears.

I think of the terror

that poor creature felt

as I pray for forgiveness

I know I’ll not grant myself.

In an act of atonement

I do what I swore

was something I would

never do anymore.

A memorial and apology

for the life that I took

will be my reminder

every time that I look

at my flesh that’s now marked

a symbol of regret

that will be there always

so I’ll never forget.

There are events

from our time together

that make me sad

every time I remember

the way that I felt then.

That week that we stayed

in that cabin with our friends.

You and I had never really

talked much before then.

The night before we were leaving

when everyone else went to bed

you asked if I wanted

to stay up with you instead.

When we were talking that night

it became clear to me

how very alike

you and I seemed to be.

We just seemed to understand each other.

Then there was the time

you stood up for my views

though I know that back then

they didn’t make sense to you.

I wasn’t really that bothered

by the comments he made

but I felt so very grateful

for what you said just the same.

No one had ever defended

me like that before

suddenly I didn’t feel

so alone anymore.

Thank you so much for that.

Remember that night

well I guess it was morning

we were both driving home

from the midnight premiere movie?

We never did find out why

but traffic was stopped

we got out of our cars

and just stood there and talked.

The sky was so clear

and the air was so warm,

just standing together

admiring the stars.

That was such a beautiful night.

These are the memories

that make me miss you the most.

No matter what happens

I know I’ll never let them go.

You and I have always shared a love of thunderstorms

but there was one that put all other storms to shame.

A group of us were walking back toward campus.

We hadn’t even seen the first drops of rain.

Then you threw your hands in the air

challenged god to strike you down.

suddenly thunder boomed

and lightening flashed all around.

Everyone else was scared

but you and I could feel

the energy in the air

and we knew that it was real.

We stood atop that hill

as the sky grew dark overhead

and watched as a violet bolt

ignited flames of red.

And that ring of coal black clouds

looked like the apocalypse.

Our friends all ran off

but we just stood transfixed

by the blinding contrast of

those brilliant flashing lights

as they threw waves of gold

across that ruthless sky.

At last we managed to break the hold

that storm had over our minds

still as we ran we watched behind us

wanting to see all it’s destruction unwind.

We joined our friends in what seemed like safety

the car we thought would take us home

but then it stopped and sat there frozen.

We felt exposed and all alone.

We waited for what seemed like eternity

as the storm raged on outside.

When help finally came to get us

we all thought they’d saved our lives.

It felt like a near death experience.

Looking back now I know it was not.

Still when I think of that night I remember

how excited we were by the thought.

We were trapped in a tiny metal car

on a flimsy metal rail

in the middle of a lightening storm

and we lived to tell the tale.

When I was a child

I dreamed of being an actress.

Now I find that’s exactly what I am.

Every word I say

to every person everyday

is just a line.

How can I tell the truth

when I don’t even know who

would be telling it.

The person I pretend to be

changes with my company.

I can only be myself when I’m alone.

I can’t believe they don’t see through

all these different masks I use,

but somehow they don’t.

I’m so shocked to hear them say

that I always seem okay

and happy all the time.

Many times I would like to

show them how untrue

that statement really is.

But I know that would be

nothing but trouble for me.

There would be too much to explain,

like all the lies I told

to keep the secrets that I hold,

and who I am beneath those lies.

So I will hold my tongue

and just let everyone

believe what they want to.

And I’ll keep up my act

and let everyone think that

I have no problems at all.

I’ll be whoever they expect.

They’ll never have to see the wreck

that’s hiding underneath.

I’ll build a person from the ground

using pieces I have found

in their ideas of me.

My many flaws will never show

and they will never have to know

that I am nothing but smoke.

We’re sitting in a coffee house

looking back on days gone by.

When we talk about the past

I always laugh, and want to cry.

You say “It’s been fifteen years, did you know that?”

“since the day that we first met?”

I think back on all the times we’ve shared

that I know I’ll not forget.

Fifteen years? Can that be right?

Has it really been that long?

Can it be that after all this time

our connection is still strong?

All the other friends that I have had

have slowly slipped away.

You’re the only person that I know

who still makes me feel okay.

Many times over the years

we have briefly lost contact,

but the moment that we see each other

it all comes rushing back.

We talk as if we’ve never stopped

as if not a thing has changed.

I can almost see us as we were back then

we’re still just children, isn’t that strange?

Sometimes I wish we’d never grown

never learned the things we’ve learned.

Like what makes you happy is far less important

than how much money you can earn.

Like life is never like the movies,

things are never perfect in the end.

Like bad things happen to good people

even people who are your friends.

Sometimes I wish we’d never lost

that sweet innocence we had

back before we understood

that the world could be so sad.

But I’m so happy after all this time

that we can still be friends.

Because when I’m with you

it feels alright for me to just pretend

that nothing’s changed

we’re still just the same

and everything will be okay.

There were six of us but only one of me.I knew you all so well and I could seethe great men each of you could beand I knew you would eventually.I fell in love with each of youI know it sounds stupidbut I promise it's true.I didn't knowwhat I could do.So I just waited for one of you to choose.Another friend was all you saw.Sometimes I thinkyou didn't see me at all.Still I couldn't help but falland sit in my room wishing one of you would call.

There was a time

I had a feeling I couldn’t stand.

I just wanted all of this to end.

Now I am indifferent.

So I guess that’s better.

Every time I’d see a bridge,

or a ledge,

or anything with a sharp edge,

it would pull me like a magnet.

Now that pull’s not so strong.

I convince myself that I was wrong,

but I know I’m still drawn

by that power.

I did my best to conceal

all the pain I would feel.

I’d tell myself it wasn’t real,

but I could not ignore it.

Today all that pain

it is not quite the same.

I know it still remains

but it’s not near as urgent.

I would always pretend

to my family and friends

that they could always depend

on my strength and stability.

And though now I still do

at least it’s slightly more true.

Now I think I’ll pull through,

one way or another.

Still I wonder sometimes

is it even right

to have to struggle and fight

just trying to be happy.

But I’ll try anyway

and I guess that’s okay

I will find out someday

if all my effort was worth it.

If your religion makes you better,

more patient and more kind,

if your religion brings you strength,

and stimulates your mind,

then you deserve the peace and happiness

your god has helped you find.

But if it makes you think that you

are more than someone else,

if you think that it gives you the right

to condemn someone to hell,

then what good has it really done?

Who benefits from that?

Would the world really be any worse

if we were to live without

all the prejudice and persecution

brought on by this endless fight

over whose god is the real one,

over who is wrong or right?

I’ve no doubt that faith can be useful

many people it has helped.

It must be nice to count on something

that is stronger than yourself.

Well I don’t know what’s true or not

and I won’t pretend I do

but I don’t need a book to tell me

what I should or shouldn’t do.

I think that deep inside us all

we know what’s truly right.

If we could each live by our own hearts

there would be no more need to fight,

over who is good, and who is bad,

and who gets to make the rules.

If we let everyone be who they are

and let each person choose

to do what makes them happy

and live a life that’s free from fear.

Why should it bother you anyway?

Why would you even care?

I went back

to the place where I grew up,

and there I found

hidden in the brush,

the remnants of my childhood.

There they were

at the base of that old tree,

rusted and broken,

and so caked with dirt that I could barely see

these things that I once loved.

Old toys and old places

tend to crumble with time.

Try if you want,

but you never will find

a way to return them

to the way they are in your mind.

In the memories of children

everything seems divine.

Don’t misunderstand,

please don’t get me wrong.

I have plenty of bad

and painful memories of when I was young,

more than I care to name.

But it’s just different

for children than it is for adults.

They have this innocence

that won’t let them understand what’s going on.

It’s their only defense.

Children know

how to see the beauty in everything,

and to overlook

the things that they don’t want to see,

things too ugly to face,

like depression and anger

in the people they love,

and all of the chaos

this world is made of.

They believe those sweet lies

people tell to the young,

and no matter how hard they fall

they always get back up.

I wish that I

could get some of that back,

and see more value

in happiness than truth and facts.

I miss that innocence.

Maybe then I could

start a new life for myself

and overcome

all of the hopelessness that I have felt.

I think that would save me.

Do you believe it is true

that there are just some people who

can never be happy?

I wonder am I incapable of

ever truly feeling wanted or loved

and will I always feel empty?

Is there just something missing in me

that makes it impossible for me to see

the good things in my life?

I can’t seem to find anything that

can ever manage to distract

from the hopelessness I feel.

I’ve been standing here

at least a hundred years

and I could stand a hundred more

but now I hear all their machines

moving across the forest floor.

They’re coming to destroy this place,

everything I’ve ever known,

to take the lives of all the trees

and the beings who call them home.

Humanity can only see

from their own point of view.

They see no value in ancient forests.

They’d rather have something new.

I know that soon my end will come.

I know that soon I will be gone

and there will be a mall or parking lot

on the ground I stood upon.

And all the many animals

who’ve lived their whole lives in this place

will have to either flee or die.

That’s the choice they’ll have to make.

And all the plants of every kind

who’ve made this place so grand

will be cut down or bulldozed over

when the humans take this land.

Though they’ll stand in this place every day

they’ll never be aware

of all the beauty that existed,

of all the life that once was here.

No matter if they think we’re worthless

that we have no consciousness,

when a tree falls in the forest

the forest mourns his death.

I love and I hate

all of the people in this place.

They’re so full of contradictions

I just don’t think I can take.

If you ever need a hand

you know that they’ll do all they can

just as long as they don’t know

you’re not like them.

They will take you in,

treat you like a friend

though they’ve not known you before

and they’ll not see you again.

If you look deeper you will find

that beneath their kindness lies

violence and prejudice

that they don’t even try to hide.

Depending on your situation

you may find you loathe or admire them.

They do so many evil things

but with such good intentions.

They stand so  strongly against

anyone who’s different.

Yet if you fall within their group,

in them you can have confidence.

I just don’t know what to think

of these mixed emotions that they bring.

Should I consider them my friends?

or should I call them enemies?

It seems they have found a way

to somehow always stay

in a strange gray area

between my love and hate.

I’ve decided that I want to

cover all of my scars with tattoos.

I’ve decided that from now on

I will make myself brand new,

remove the signs of pain and sadness,

and create a brand new point of view.

Though to all my scars I am quite grateful,

many times I think they’ve saved my life,

I’ve really no more need for them

and I’ve grown sick of trying to hide.

So I’m taking something ugly

that’s a source of insecurity for me

and I’m making something beautiful

that I’ll want everyone to see.

I am going to let my skin express to you

all the things I want to feel inside

and hope that will be a catalyst

to create change in my life.

Each and every time I see these scars

they remind me of old hurt.

If I am ever to heal my emotional wounds,

I’ll have to banish the physical ones first.

Your scars and your tears,

your addictions and your fears,

make you beautiful.

Your love

is such delicious poison.

I see the beauty of the broken in your eyes.

And I

can’t seem to shake this feeling

although your anger sends me reeling every time.

I know it’s not right

to stay with you all night

and watch you disappear,

into a thick fog of pain

and the chemicals you claim

bring you some relief.

And deep down I know

it’s better if I go

and let you find your way

to the light on your own.

I thought that maybe I could save you

but I just don’t know how to

and it breaks my heart

to see all the pain you live with

and the harm you cause yourself to ease it.

There’s nothing I can do.

My staying here’s not helping.

I wake up every morning

and I feel so lost.

Lately I just feel so useless.

I can’t stand to feel this hopeless.

It’s tearing me apart.

I don’t know how to tell you,

part of me still doesn’t want to,

but what else is there to do

but to walk away?

For the first time in my life

I feel a small bit of freedom

but now I find that I sometimes

miss the prison I came from.

As far back as I can remember

I’ve hated feeling so trapped,

but now that it’s gone

I sometimes want that feeling back.

Now that I’m free

I find I have no excuse

for not doing the things

I always said I would do.

With freedom I’ve found

comes the power to choose

but with each choice that you make

comes the chance that you’ll lose.

With each opportunity comes a new chance at failure.

With each blessing comes another new curse.

To be trapped by circumstance or my own indecision

I can’t decide which one is worse.

When you can see no way out

you make the best of you cage

and you learn to find enjoyment

in the most unlikely place.

When you don’t have a choice

you just do what you have to

and every good thing

seems so much better to you.

Now that I have choices

each one seems so hard.

Trying to decide

feels like being pulled apart.

I know my situation

is much better today,

still sometimes I think

I’d be better off if I’d stayed

in the freedom of captivity.

I am the inverse of a human being.

I’m not like anyone I’ve ever seen.

I only like the things that bring me pain.

I don’t know how I ended up this way.

Try to make me cry.

Try to make me bleed.

Try to make me suffer

maybe then you’ll see

only when I’m in pain

do I feel relief

from all of these demons

that have been haunting me.

You can keep all your encouragement

and any happy feelings you have sent.

I would rather hear from someone else

who feels the way I’ve always felt.

Give me sadness.

Give me sorrow.

Give me self-destruction

maybe then you’ll know

that all your hopeful words

will only serve to show

that I am out of place

everywhere I go.

So please don’t try to make me smile

or try to make me happy for a while.

Your cheerfulness just underscores

all of the things I’m longing for.

I'm sorry for what I did to you.I never meant to break your heart.I sometimes wonder if things could be differentif we made a new start.You should know that I'm confused and scared and I don't know what to do.All I know is that sometimes I wishthat I was still with you.In the beginning you made me feel so goodbecause I thought you needed me,but I just didn't understand how very hard these things can be.I felt that I had lost myself amidst that chaos that we shared.I didn't like the person I was then.I wasn't even sure the real me was still there.I know that none of that was your fault.I never really let you seethat there were times I needed you just as much as you needed me.Instead I let my anger grow until I thought that I would drown.Ending what we had together was the only solution that I found.Now when I look back on our timeI wonder what might have beenif I'd just had the courage to tell youall of this back then.You were my first everything.You opened up my heart.When I think of that it seems so crazyfor us to be apart.And yet I'm scared to try again,scared of the pain that I might cause.I don't know if you realize how terrible it wasto see how badly you were hurtby something I had done.But I didn't know what else to doso I decided to just run. I wanted you to know that,in all my adult life,that night we talked in that parking lotyou saw the only tears I've cried.

Loneliness

can be infinite

when you choose to live

by your heart.

No compromise

you’re willing to fight

for what you know is right

in your soul,

each and every day

no matter what they say.

You’ll never feel okay

if you don’t.

Never give in

you can’t let them win

just stay the person you’ve been

all along.

In a book I read

there was an owl that lived

in a tree that was dead

and decayed.

He was resigned

to the fact he would die

when the tree could not find

strength to stand.

And like that owl

you will find out

that you must stay bound

to your choice.

Ignore the cost

far more would be lost

if your morals you did not

follow.

It’s better to

always be true

to what really matters to you

in the end.

A holocaust is happening

all around me every day

and everyone I know

seems to think that it’s okay.

I don’t know how to live in their world.

I just can’t go on this way.

I don’t want to alienate

my family and my friends

but there are defenseless lives out there

I feel I must defend.

No one ever understands

though I’ve told them time and time again.

I feel I am all alone.

I face each day all on my own.

I have no place I can call home.

I fear I never will be known

by those I have cared for.

How can I get close to people

who commit ****** every day

with the products that they purchase

and the money that they pay?

I know my purpose is to change their minds

but I don’t know what I can say.

There is this void that stands between

me and everyone else.

All those I know stand on the other side

while I stand on this side by myself.

Why am I fated to stand alone

just because I want to help?

How can this gap ever be bridged

when they won’t hear my pleas?

And how can this problem be fixed

when they refuse to see

that they way humanity has made the world

is not the way it’s meant to be?

No matter how hard it may become

I’ll sacrifice anything I must

to defend the lives of all of those

who humans take advantage of,

even if it drives a wedge

between me and those I love.

I need my conscience to be clean.

I have to live by my beliefs.

I see that may mean

that I will always be

alone in a sea of people.

Just because I seldom speak

doesn’t mean that I don’t think

and worry just as much as you.

Really if you only knew

what it feels like to be me

to see all of the things I see

I’m sure you would be shocked to find,

with all this running through my mind,

I still don’t feel the need to say

every thought I have every single day.

Just because I’m not like you,

telling the world everything I’ve been through

doesn’t mean that I haven’t felt

plenty of sorrow and sadness myself.

You don’t know even one single thing

about the thoughts that I have or the life that I lead.

Think what you want I really don’t care

but don’t talk about me when I’m standing right there

and act like it’s the funniest thing you have heard

to pretend I don’t understand a single word

about trouble or hardship or even simple stress

just because I don’t complain like you and the rest.

You act like I’m just a silly little girl

unaware of the problems that exist in the world,

when in fact I know much more about that than you.

I try to always be aware of the truth

and do what I can to make things improve.

So tell me, just what the **** do you do?

Do you make any effort to cause things to change?

or do you think it’s enough to sit there and complain?

I’m so sick of hearing how hard your life is

and that it’s unfair how very stressed-out you get,

when all of your problems are so trivial

you never even consider the fate of the world.

My life may not be as complicated as yours,

but I certainly think about existence much more.

I wonder what legacy I’ll leave behind

and if there will ever come a day when I’ll find

a way to make myself believe that I have

the right and the reason to continue to live.

I was born in the wrong time.

I think that’s why I can’t find

my place in this world.

I really just don’t belong here,

that becomes more clear

to me all the time.

I should have lived in the 60’s

I would have fit in among hippies.

Now I think I’m the only one.

I should have lived in that time

when it was so easy to find

people with compassion.

Today there’s such violence and hate

and all these people I just can’t relate

to in any way at all.

If I could travel into the past

I think I’d find comfort at last

in those who understand me.

When people found meaning in life

they had causes for which they would fight.

Now people are so apathetic.

They loved each other back then.

I think how wonderful it must have been

to feel that connection.

Today everyone feels so alone.

We each face this life on our own,

and it’s just so sad to me.

I want to stand up for what’s right,

but there’s no one to stand by my side.

Why does no one care anymore?

There is no one who knows me

or has the slightest understanding

of anything that’s happening

inside my head.

I wish that I could find someone

who I could trust enough

to tell the honest story of

who I am.

But I don’t know if that can be.

I always search but never see

much of a possibility

that I’ll find that.

I need someone who I can trust

with all my fears and all my love,

who will make me feel that I’m enough

the way I am.

I look around me and I know

if I ever let the real me show

my loneliness could only grow.

They’ll never understand.

I mean really how could they?

We see the same world every day

but to them it will never look the way

it looks to me.

I have tried to be like them.

I’ve made an effort to fit in,

but I could not even begin

to feel at home,

among these people that I knew.

Though my affections for them grew

I could never let myself show through.

They never really knew me.

Though I considered them my friends

I’d have to leave them in the end

or be required to pretend

for all my life.

So I decided not to stay.

I chose to let them slip away.

I never knew just what to say,

so I just disappeared.

Now I fear that I will never find

this sweet fantasy of mine

someone who’ll help me leave all that behind,

so I'll  no longer be unknown.

I feel I’m always waiting

but for what I do not know.

Just something to tell me what to do,

a sign to show me where to go.

I’m waiting for an epiphany,

a realization, an idea.

I’m waiting for an opportunity

a reason, an event,

anything from anywhere

to give me the courage to act,

so that finally I can walk away

without ever looking back.

Walk away from everything I know,

this life that’s always been the same,

move toward a life that’s better or worse

just any kind of change.

But I’ve been waiting for so long

I fear it’s all I know.

I don’t think the sign I’m waiting for

is ever going to show.

This waiting has become too much,

I just can’t stand it anymore.

I feel my life closing in around me,

I hear the lock turning in the door.

If I don’t do something quickly

I know that I’ll never get free,

and I will live like so many do,

a life of miserable mediocrity.

I have to act, to change, to move,

to leave it all behind.

I can’t keep waiting anymore.

I have to see if I can find

a way to make a better life

or at least some life that’s new.

I have to live on my own terms,

and see if I can make it through.

I have to make decisions.

I must stop trying to hide.

Even if I fail completely,

at least I can say I tried.

The waves roll over me.

Things seem alright and then suddenly

I find I can barely breathe.

I feel so lost and so lonely.

I sink to the bottom of

this ocean of things I’ve loved

but never were quite enough

to keep my head up above

the surface of these dark waves.

I close my eyes and I pray

that one day I will be saved

from this ocean that I have made.

I struggle and try to swim

but I’m just dragged under again.

if only I could find a friend

to save me from this state I’m in…..

I’m drowning

in my own despair.

I scream out

but there’s no one there.

I don’t know

if I can go on.

I’m so tired

and my will’s not strong.

I’m tossed and turned by the waves

as the shore slips farther away

and all the light starts to fade

as the night overtakes the day.

I fear I will always be

alone in this endless sea.

This may be all there is for me.

No one can give me what I need.

So I’ll keep drifting farther out,

slowly drowning in my own doubt

of myself and what life’s about

and wishing someone would hear my shouts.

I’m waiting

for a light to show

me if there

is a place to go.

I keep swimming

and searching for

a sign that

there is something more.

Life’s all about evolution.

I know I’m not who I used to be.

I look at pictures from a few years ago

and I can’t believe that it’s me.

People are constantly changing.

No one ever stays the same

yet we try to fit people into different shaped holes

we think of it like it’s a game.

We seem to think it’s so important

to categorize everyone

saying “he’s one of these” and “she’s one of those”

and we’re left all alone when we’re done.

We should all learn from each other,

help each other become our true selves.

Instead of pretending that we’re all so different

let’s forget all the lies that we tell.

And when we get down to the bottom,

the real truth in it’s purest form,

we’ll find that we’re much more alike than we’re different.

There will be no need to fight anymore.

We’ll know the truth

that we’re all the same.

We’ll see that we

can’t carry on this way.

We’ll put an end

to all our past mistake.

A little understanding

is all that it will take.

Why’s it so hard to accept that

no matter what group they are in

people are people and we all have our faults?

We never know who we’ll be in the end.

So lets all let go of our bias,

give each other a chance to evolve.

Let’s forgive past mistakes and look to the future

and let our hate be drowned out by our love.