So many paths I could have taken.

So many things I might have tried.

Somehow I ended up where I am

and I just don’t know why.

I could have stayed in Morgantown

and earned my bachelors in getting high,

or gone to Maharishi

and let them teach me how to fly.

I could have done a million things

and I can’t help but wonder why,

why I chose the path I chose,

if this is all still just a lie.

I could have picked up and moved to Arizona

or Charlottesville Va.

lived in a ****** apartment

and worked for minimum wage.

I can’t help but write these stories

and watch them play out in my head

of everything that might have happened

of all the lives I might have led.

And I can’t help but wonder

where I might be today

if I had done things differently,

if I had chosen to walk away.

Instead I’m still here in this same town

where I have always been,

a town that will never understand me,

a town where I just don’t fit in.

All these options I’ve considered.

Still I can’t figure out

what I should be doing with my life

what I’m really all about.

Maybe one day I will find a path

to take me where I want to go

or perhaps I’ll wander all my life.

I guess you never really know.

My flesh it is a graph.

It tells the story of my life.

You can see the ups and downs

as they’ve happened over time.

I try to keep it hidden

but that’s often hard to do.

So they believe the lies I tell them.

No one wants to know the truth.

I don’t believe in medication

it only serves to dull the mind.

This may not be the best solution

but it’s the best that I can find.

Sometimes the pain builds up inside me

it’s either let it out or die

and my flesh is just a cage

holding everything inside

and when the bars are broken

the pain flows free.

I stay alive.

Each scar it holds a story

and a painful memory.

I’ve found a way to transform my hurt

from something I feel to something I see.

Yes, I know this isn’t healthy.

I’m aware that you think it’s insane

but everybody has their vices

and methods of dealing with their pain.

This is the method I have found

it’s the one that works for me.

It’s the only way I’ve ever known

that truly sets me free

of all the thoughts I hold inside,

the things I feel but never say

hoping that if I ignore them

perhaps they’ll go away.

But everyone knows that doesn’t work.

Problems never fix themselves

and so I do the best I can

to free myself from my own hell.

Who are we to say we’re better?

Who are we to say we’re more

declare ourselves the overseers

and rulers of the world we know?

Why can’t we see that each life is precious?

Why don’t we understand the truth

that no matter where it comes from

each life deserves to live?

We **** the earth.

We **** her creatures.

We even **** our own.

Humanity has become a cancer

draining life out of the world.

Some of us try to stop the damage,

to cure the earth of her disease

but the only way to fix this problem

would be to cure her of ourselves.

Other creatures live together

a perfect balance with their world

but humans can never understand

that each life affects us all.

We feel so disconnected.

We think we’re each in this alone.

If we could realize we’re part of nature

all our problems would be solved.

We will have to learn compassion

and respect for all the world.

We will have to be more selfless

than we ever thought we could.

For if we don’t abandon our old ways

if we can’t move beyond our past

we ensure our own destruction.

The earth will cure herself of us.

You and I have always shared a love of thunderstorms

but there was one that put all other storms to shame.

A group of us were walking back toward campus.

We hadn’t even seen the first drops of rain.

Then you threw your hands in the air

challenged god to strike you down.

suddenly thunder boomed

and lightening flashed all around.

Everyone else was scared

but you and I could feel

the energy in the air

and we knew that it was real.

We stood atop that hill

as the sky grew dark overhead

and watched as a violet bolt

ignited flames of red.

And that ring of coal black clouds

looked like the apocalypse.

Our friends all ran off

but we just stood transfixed

by the blinding contrast of

those brilliant flashing lights

as they threw waves of gold

across that ruthless sky.

At last we managed to break the hold

that storm had over our minds

still as we ran we watched behind us

wanting to see all it’s destruction unwind.

We joined our friends in what seemed like safety

the car we thought would take us home

but then it stopped and sat there frozen.

We felt exposed and all alone.

We waited for what seemed like eternity

as the storm raged on outside.

When help finally came to get us

we all thought they’d saved our lives.

It felt like a near death experience.

Looking back now I know it was not.

Still when I think of that night I remember

how excited we were by the thought.

We were trapped in a tiny metal car

on a flimsy metal rail

in the middle of a lightening storm

and we lived to tell the tale.

I think perhaps I could be happy

if I weren’t so afraid to lose control.

I know I would cry like a child

who is lost and can’t find her way home.

My shell of self-control is such a perfect place to hide.

I act like I have it all together

but the truth is, I just keep it all inside.

I’m sure that I could be exciting

if for once I could just let go.

I know that I could make connections

if I could just let my feelings show.

No happiness or sorrow,

no excitement, pain or rage.

My fear of my emotions

has become a tiny iron cage.

I’ve never made those dumb mistakes

that other people I know have.

I just can’t handle feeling foolish

and I hate making people mad.

The things I feel but never show

are eating me alive.

If I don’t get them out somehow

I’m afraid I won’t survive.

I know there are countless chemicals

to let you forget what’s on your mind.

And though that’s exactly what I need

I know I could never find

the courage to surrender my inhibitions

to let people see me lose control

I guess that kind of freedom

is something I will never know.

We came to college to become a doctor,

a lawyer,

a teacher.

Now we’ve become a stoner,

a user,

a drinker.

We felt so optimistic,

excited

and brave.

Now we’re just hopeless,

overwhelmed

and afraid.

The lives that we want

now seem so out of reach,

years of misery

between us and our dreams.

We eat nothing but fast food

or nothing at all.

We hide in our rooms

and pray our parents don’t call.

We go out and get wasted every night

then sleep with people we don’t even like.

All this just to quiet the voice in our heads

screaming out that all of our dreams are dead.

We have to find a better system,

Create a future we can trust,

before the greatest minds of the future

reduce themselves to a pile of dust.

Sometimes it seems

that my best memories

and my worst memories

are the same.

But how can I miss

all those times that I lived

through such darkness and pain?

It feels so stupid to say

that I want to go back

when at the time it felt like I was in hell.

But am I really any better off

now than I was then?

Sometimes it can be so hard to tell.

I think back on all

these events from my past

and I wish that they were happening now.

My life today

seems much worse by comparison,

and I just don’t understand how.

When I know that back then

I was far more unhappy

and I had every reason to be,

and my brain tells me now

every aspect of life

has only gotten better for me.

Why do I miss people

I never liked in the first place

and want to do things I hated to do?

I can’t seem to accept

that things are better today

although I know for a fact it is true.

When I think of the past

I always feel longing

for that time that I can’t help but miss.

When I feel sorrow for what I have lost,

I must remember to tell myself this.

“These thoughts are not true,

and this feeling is false

it is just a cruel trick of the mind

the path laid before you

is never as lovely

as the one that you left behind.”