He choked me until I went under the other day
And oh my god it felt so great
My eyes teared up and my mind went dark
And oh how I wanted him to keep going

Is this how rope would feel too?
I mean surely it would yield the same affect except much faster

If so death would be so easy
Death would feel so good
Death would take 30 seconds of pure pleasure

**** falling to the break of my bones and drowning in the ***** water of my passed
I want to be cut off from the poison that is oxygen
I want salvation at last

I can't do it now because I love you
But please oh please do it again
I'll practice with you for what will happen after you get bored and leave

I have no fear of death
None what so ever
******* thank you darling I love you so much

I'm an idiot
But so is everyone else
Except for the ******* because they've got it figured out

People could refer to it as romantic masochism
But they're pretentious and wrong
Because there so no masochism in the nature of what I'm doing
And what I have done

There is no masochism in begging to be near them
There is no masochism in being held
There is no masochism in your happiness as they tell you things that they probably mean
There is no masochism in your inflated ego
There is no masochism in your infatuation

There is no masochism as you claw to get away from the distance
There is no masochism in waiting for them to make you feel good again

It's not quite selfish either
Because while their kissing your neck and singing to you
You find yourself drawn to their content
And drawn to their ease

But all affection
All "love"
Ends in war
And they are not the exception
And you are not the exception
If you stay you will die
In one form or another

So the ******* have figured it out

Never love them passed act 1

Leave at intermission

Some girls sell their virginity for five thousand dollars

My virginity was worth 25 dollars and a bucket of ping pong *****

I don’t see the guy much anymore, he’s very important; worth a lot more than a coffee date and a kiss on the forehead (or briefly on the mouth)

My dad knows I kiss boys. My dad knows I smoke. My dad says not to tell my mother, so I don’t. “Gauky teenage girl, smoke up, don’t tell your mother”

"Have a drink don’t, tell your mother"

"Take the car, don’t tell your mother"

He doesn’t know she’s dead. Dead to me. Dead to herself. Mourning someone with them at the same time is a weird thing. Stages of greif don’t come in tidle waves, they come in laundry fights that last 2 weeks, and sundays when we can’t get out of bed.

Its easy to romantasize parts about yourself that are untouched; that sound mundain, so they must be gold. I live in a college town. Someday I’ll be someone’s girl from indiana. I ****** a boy with sharp teeth who told me I was “******* beautiful”, but the reality about these things is that they don’t matter.

Every state has college towns (there are many other like it, but this one is mine). Being someone’s girl from indiana doesn’t count for ****, what does that say about me “my girl is a geographic mystery, because no one gives a **** about that *** **** southern mess”.

And that boy, with brown hair and sharp teeth told my I was ******* beautiful, but in the moment it made me uncomfortable. I didn’t like his body, or the way he sat. I thought his passions were redundant.

So don’t fall in love with yourself

Don’t say grace

Don’t kiss on the mouth, and don’t tell your mother

People understand that I'm "insecure"
People understand that I don't take complements well
People understand that if you ask me what my strengths are I will struggle to give you a response

But what people don't understand is the utter hatred and loathing I have for myself as a person

If it wouldn't dissapoint someone I would rather be dead in a heart beat
I hate the life that Ive had and the life I forsee for myself and I know that all of it is my fault
Everything is my fault.
I am a bad person, and some how in my making the lines between riteous and evil where blurred infinitely

There is nothing good about me and nothing of value and I itterly disgust myself
So when people yell at me or critize me I often come off as arrogant by my lack of defensiveness and or solution because I am already so vividly and fully aware of the piece of **** **** that I am

I think if people really got that I would make a lot more sense to them and I could get away with a lot more

Pursuit to be fragile and small
Pursuit to break
Oh god these constant ******* tears are the only consistent truth that I hold

Because time after time, delusion and trance
clears
and what's left is the ******* reality that there is nothing here

God i hate this body
I hate my words
I hate my regrets
so many ******* regrets
can't stop bleeding
bleeding

"Can I still get into heaven if I **** myself?"

I think I really ****** up
****

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die

I don't know how many times I have to say it, it's so close now

"You have to slow down, I'm worried about you"

That is the last thing I want to hear from you
You don't have the ******* right
I will die and be forgotten

You won't read this.

Sometimes I read poems I wrote about you and want to *****

So cliche

You drive your hands so deep into my throat

And oh how I ache from head to toe

And oh the colors on my freshly marked skin

I am livestock, and you brand me with kisses and lust

Your hands up my skirt, brushing over my lace, while your god is watching you fall away from glory and inside of me

We taste like sin
And oh how sweet it tasted going down my throat

I'm dying I can feel it
My body is decaying
I don't have the *** appeal I did at 15
I'm a ghost

And you're getting bored
Don't defebd yourself don't tell me you're not
Because you are

And after I'm dead you won't remember how you were getting tired of me
You won't remember trying to leave early
You'll remember our kisses and how I touched your face

But the truth is that im dying
And soon i will put myself out

But if somehow you should read this after the fact
Know that I loved you so much
I loved you more than anyone
More than the other lovers
More than my love of bone
I loved you like God
I always claimed to be an athiest
But darling you were divine intervention
And I thank the saints and the heavens
For giving you to me
If only for a while

Can It exist in this sense
How can the feeling of rope and stars be so wrong
There won't be unspeakable grief
Just nothing
I want to be forgotten
I will be forgotten

I just think it's really sweet how you never wanted to choke me or spank me and how you felt really bad about breaking my knuckles
(Even though you could tell you really liked doing it)

Temptation
The thought of
No
The action of relapse into solitude and bones

I was distracted by your tongue
And his
And his
And his
And hers

But when there's no one to trust, and no one to make me forget where we really are and who we once were

I fall back into the thin arms of that friend
Ever present
Unforgiving
The cause for hope

"I'm going to ******* one last time"

Then will be the last time that hands will run down my hips and in between my thighs

Because after that my legs will disappear

And so will I

Rocking has become a big part of my life now

If I sit still for two long my joints with lock up, and I will become brittle like the death that I am

But If I stay fluid and in motion
My stress will keep me awake

Im having a harder and harder time telling whats really happening to me and whats not
Sometimes at 4 in the morning, Ill drive through parts of town very fast

Because when it's so dark, and so quiet, and no one knows your gone
You have to run

It's 3:04 am and oh my god the shakes won't stop
These tremors are so violent and my vision is blurred
I have everything
I have love
I have the fill of my sadness
I have the drug that's prescribed
"Stop when you get your medicin, because then you won't need it"
But even now as I'm sweating over the realization that I might have taken too much
I can't stop telling myself

I need it

Sometimes I get so afraid that I will die
That my heart will stop and my eyes will roll back into my head
Then I remember
That fear of death is fruitless
Because I am death
Death is all that I know

Maybe I'm afraid of myself

Everyone is born alone
And everyone dies alone
And in this you are not unique

Problems around you grow so big that solution is no longer something thought about
You are born alone
You contribute to the evil
You die alone

And sometimes you will scream at the injustice
Sometimes you will fall down with the overwhelming sadness that nothing is ok
nothing is ok

nothing is ok

nothing

So I thought id write a poem seeing as I can barely move my hands
I can feel the air moving through my body
And it's making me forget you
I can feel the tension between me and the friend in front of me
And it's making me forget you

And ******* this high feels so ******* great
And I don't even care that when it's all over I'll want to ******* die even more than I did before
And **** the awful feelings that comes with being alive in a world without you ******* here
God I feel so ******* great

My heart won't slowwww down

Dear Daddy, the boy on the corner told me my voice was pretty. Aren't you proud of me daddy? I smoke just like you.

/

I think it's sick the papsmere wasn't regulated and readily available until the mid sixties

I think it's sick that women feel less threatened when a man asks to stick her finger I his ***
Than if he can pull her hair

I'm too young to feel this old
I'm too old to feel this disinclined

You told me I smelled like rain
After you left that Wednesday service

The **** of your God

I guess this is the point where being careful is no longer an objective

When you've hurt your mother so much that you don't care if it's 4 am and the phone is dead

Where your arms are sore and your throat burns, but you can't let that feeling slip away

Where you're either indifferent to your surroundings
Or you're screaming at night for something
For death
For love
For grief
For the fear of death when you're heart just won't slow down
I guess I shouldn't have drank so much

You look like gin to me
And you look like him to me
But god you're always there and when we're away it's like I'm underwater and god darling it's so cold

Where are your hands
Where is the smell of your hair and the taste of your mouth
Where are your drugs

I want to die
I want to *******
I want to get high
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die

I just remembered I have ***** upstairs

Nevermind

I am utterly alone
And this is my doing
And this is my fault
I pushed you away, I could have not sent that message I could have just come over
But I guess this is what I want

I never thought that I would be someone to use people
But what I'm regretting most about this decision is that I can no longer get something from you

You ******* siren
You ******* creature you are poison
The only thing I will miss about you Is the high you brought with you
You are nothing, give me my cigarettes

My god what have I done
I've turned everything into this mess it shouldn't  have played out like this

I should stop reading your stupid song that you probably wrote about someone else

I should stop listening to that dumb playlist that means nothing

I should stop thinking about you constantly over and over I should stop reading that goodbye letter and I should stop writing this

But Jesus Christ I miss you
And Jesus Christ the thought that you hate me or think I'm over dramatic
Is killing me
"So much angst"
SORRY I WAS ON DRUGS
SORRY IM ON DRUGS NOW
SORRY THAT YOU ARE THE NIGHT AND DAY AND YOU MADE ME FORGET THAT EVERYTHING WAS WRONG AND THAT NOTHING HAS PURPOSE
AND SORRY THAT NOW THAT YOURE GONE I FEEL LIKE IM ROTTING AND THAT NOTHING WILL BE RIGHT AGAIN

YOURE RIGHT THERE WAS SO MUCH ANGST IN WHAT I SENT YOU

I LOVED YOU
I LOVE YOU
*******

It's ten o'clock and I'm coming down
And god it's coming down hard
I smoked my last cigarette in the pouring rain
But I can't wash off the inevitable anymore

I'm a terrible person, and I can't stop hurting everyone
But I just wanted to get high
And god I can't be here anymore
I've written out my letters
Is tonight the night to send them

I can't breathe
But instead of struggling or calling out
I think I'll just let it be

Maybe I'll jump off the bridge
In this place that I hate
And death won't be painless
But I don't deserve it to be

My legs will break and I won't be able to swim to the surface like I've been doing for 6 months now
Water will fill my body and I will be terrified
And maybe I'll panic and maybe I'll want out
But right now with my sober mind
I know that I deserve it

And no one will be waiting for me on the other side
And it's probably better that way
God I pray it will be nothing
I pray that life doesn't go on
I pray that I can just disappear

I want to be forgotten
I don't want forgiveness
I don't want my body to be found

You're a spring garden with a heart that was covered in tar at age 5.
You're the perfect definition of an ******, you're my little deaths.
I love how your hair smells after you haven't washed it and I love how you always wrap yourself up (in blankets or just your own little arms.)



you don't have to respond with anything sweet or anything. I've just been thinking about how grateful I am to have such a beautiful glowing angel in my life.

It's ok press down hard

Press down hard for all the nights spent screaming into branches

Press down hard for all the ghosts that follow me from finger tips

Press down hard for the blood in my shoes

Press down hard for the smell of his hair and the scar on his brow

And press down hard for his death

And for mine

hurt me
hurt me
hurt me
hurt me

Everyday is endless highs and horrifying lows
In brief sober moments we catch our breath

And maybe if mother is near
You will say something familiar
So that she is content in telling herself
"She won't die today"
But little does she know that you want to scream at her horrible truths
That you want to cough up your fears in her room where she asks you to sit for a minute
That you want to cut yourself open and bleed on her

And you can't tell your lovers about the urge to open the car door at 90mph
You can't tell them when they get you high they are breathing life into just enough to keep you here
You can't tell them when they kiss you, you wish they would never let you come up for air

And oh god I feel like I'm falling constantly
The shaking won't stop
And oh god how long can you keep me here when I'm already dead
How do you get distracted from the fact that there are flies buzzing around your rotting flesh and you are no longer welcome

Soldiers that day reached shore and were greeted by a wall of fire

Enemy snipers could fire twenty bullets per second

In four seconds a boat full of coward little kids could disappear

Teach me how to disappear

I looked up that song right after you left that night and was disappointed

His voice is just too loud

But I find myself coming back to it anyway

Because oh god

I find myself coming back to the sound of you

And the feelings of water in my eyes that I tried so desperately to conceal

And I don't know what we're doing

Where I'm going

And when you will disappear from me like those little boys

But I've been praying you will let me collapse into you

Please bare me

Let me bane your existence

Because

My god

You're becoming mine

Mother told me love doesn't exist and I believe her
We are all brilliant beggars

So I'm begging you

Touch me

Beg me

Your love just isn't enough
These pills just aren't enough

My screams aren't loud enough

There's just not enough

I'm too tired to bide time anymore

"Shut up
Let's play piano tiles on your couch"

.

God the freckles on your skin

Heaven help me

Is this salvation

And so do funerals

You ******* witch how did you do this to me
I'm grieving over you so much, I can't stop screaming
And these ******* tears won't stop beaming in the moonlight
The moonlight that's tried to wipe your kisses off my cheek night after night
Tried to absolve me from the smell of your hair

I could write about your eyes, but I know you hate that
I could right about the cracks in your skin, but you'd probably like that

Evil poisonous girl
You've ruined me

Dear Locked Box,
This is my goodbye to you
I need you to know that everything I'm about to say hurts much more than anything I said about No one

And I am not comparing you to him
Because there is no comparison
He pales in the light what you have made me feel

This will be the last time I talk of you sweetly
(Though I will never talk I'll of you)

I sent your goodbye letter seven minutes ago, and it could be days before you bother to read it
(But I know eventually you will)

I don't know what love is or if it can exists among people
I know the love of a bottle
And I know the love of bones
And I'm recently learning or that same love applied to another person
(But if that love counts is still un clear)

But I didn't love you like that
If love is real then I loved you hard
I loved you like the towering waves I was afraid of
I also loved you deep like that roots you (un)knowingly planted in me

I have never known anything like you
You were more a force of nature to me than a teenage boy in a band

The way you sat
The way you touched me
The way you were insecure
Yet so sure at the same time

Remember when you wanted to kiss me but didn't know if you could because you didn't know if I hated you

Well you probably had no idea that, that whole night you looked like something unreachable
Not something looking for approval
But approval itself

And god knows my love for what you were (are) is not unique in its nature

So many befor me have fallen under your knees
And begged
So many humiliated
So many degrades and turned into nothing

Of course none of it intentional, you have such a good heart, you don't mean to be so desirable
But darling it's deadly

Though my existence was probably nothing short of a quick **** and an ego boost (and maybe a feeling of something more here and there) I hope I impacted you in some way

Maybe when you listen to your favorite song it will remind you of me

You really are a locked box of something great
And you're trying to find a key to open yourself up
And I'm glad I got to try
But I just don't fit
And that hurts
But that's ok
Because locked box you will find a key
And oh god the thought of you truly content
Is enough to make giving up on you ok

Please don't think you want nothing
Surely you don't but that thought scared me

Though I touched him today and he left his mark on me

I don't know if I could ever feel the things I felt for you again

And that's ok

When you're daughter grows up don't let her be like me

I love you

Goodbye

My face is numb
I can't use my hands I might as well not have them

I had to get high after what had transgressed so this might not make sense

This is redundant and my tears do nothing but make a mess
And drive you away
But the thought of you in that suit
That cost you less than nothing
And your hands on those glorious hips
Glory glory
And your mouth in those holy lips
Made me believe in sin

There is a devil and I think I gave him to you
In a sort of contagion

We should have used condoms

Dear No one,
Thinking about you makes me really sick, and even as I'm writing this, though I couldn't eat anything today, I'm having trouble composing myself.

Your best friend messaged me again. So did she. I know at one point that would have made you angry, but I hope now you just use that information to know where you stand among your surroundings. Keep yourself safe. Or don't.

I took drugs last night and told you that you were a liar, and you told me my hair looked nice, and that you wanted to touch it, and I believed you.

So if I can believe that then I should be able to believe you when you tell me "it's me not you", but who would

And what's so sad is that you don't know anything about me. You don't know any books I've read, my favorite flowers, what my parents were like when I was little, how I felt about my mother, or myself, or you.
So you don't know that I sat down. I got comfortable. I kissed you of my own accord and allowed myself to think of you often in the most innocent ways. Think of you writing songs, or sleeping. No longer did thoughts of you ******* her and forgetting me plague my mind.

And then you told me you were scared of commitment.
And then I promised myself that you were nothing, and no one, and that I did not feel for you.

I did not feel for you.

I did not feel for you.

You are no one and I did not feel for you.

(But if you're no one, then what am I)

I know I shouldn't, but I hope I scarred you, and I hope you think of me often.

I hope you miss me when someone smokes a black, or crosses their eyes.

Im trying to ******* understand things
if padraic died five times
then how does he not know his name
was it all the samee
was he all the same
im about to stick a lot of pins in my amr
maybe the blood will fix my head
i dont know what is happening

I saw you yesterday
First in my own face shrinking in the mirror
Like I do every morning

Then in your garage

We smoked until it hurt
Until we were tired
Until we could talk about that night without grieving

"I'd give anything to go back to that night, just that night"

The night we hurt each other
The night we gave each other something that no one else could understand

I lit your cigarette hazily in the backyard because your hands were covered in gasoline
I forget what we talked about

What I do remember was the expression on his face when he showed up unannounced
hurt
angry

I don't know why I stayed
Maybe because I couldn't move
Maybe because I was scared for you

He was screaming so loudly, and I heard your plants break

Then he came outside
"let me ask you one question"
I laughed at him
I told him I wouldn't go
That he was dangerous
Crazy

I proclaimed your innocence

But you came outside
With tears in your eyes and your throat bright red
You asked me to leave

So I did

.

Remember when you drove me to my grandmas house and we ****** in their driveway, and we couldn't use the back seat because of your music equipment

So you got in the passenger seat and I got on top you and I forgot to warn you that I didn't shave and it was the most uncomfortable thing I'd ever done

I think I loved you a lot right then

Then you didn't kiss me after I swallowed your *** and I got really mad

That was the last time I saw you

And I think it will be the last time ever

What a way to end

Not even a goodbye kiss just a mouthful of forced seed