i just realized
that i spent another entire day
subconsciously chanting to myself
that i am a *******.

i have no reason to think this.
i am a beautiful,
intelligent
redhaired spitfire
and i'm not afraid to say any of those things
people don't say those things to themselves
enough
but why
the ****
do i constantly remind myself
all day
that i am
a piece of
****
who is
telling me this
and why
do i believe it?

people try to
carve smiles on me
like a chunk of meat meant for the butcher
then try to tell me
to be afraid
and that they are
sorry.

people try to
tell me all the things that happened to me
fair or foul
describe them to me
in detail
and then reveal
all the inner-most workings
of the broken grandfather clock
that is my chest
like they've sat inside of me
for twenty years
observing
when they
haven't.

people try to
make me see reason
or their definition of it
but reason is relative
as is too much in this world
like
truth
and
lies
and
parents
and it doesn't bother me
to stare into them
with eyes that i hope make them hurt
somewhere
because i am not a grandfather clock
that sat in a church
for twenty years
i am a redhaired girl who used to smile
who even breathed
sometimes
and you never
knew
me

I went swimming today
Twice
Which is weird because
In the past 4 years
I have been in the ocean a total of 6 times
Even though I live
In a small ocean town
Where the beach is
A short walk away
I went in the water today
Even though I have always hated
Being wet and
Salty the feeling on my
Skin is so uncomfortable
I always detested it
I went in the water today
Because I hate the person I am
And I thought that if I changed
One small part about myself
The rest could follow
And maybe if I could learn to
Love the water
I could learn to
Love myself

He's nervous to meet me, he must be.
It's been twenty-one years.
Twenty-one years absent from the beat of my heart where his blood runs through-
I let him enter intravenously,
Because God told me to.

I love my curly hair just-out-the-shower wet.
I love being in my naturalness.
Naked
Donning nothing
But a frenzy sea of dripping swirling curls
Whirling around in ripples,
Curling around my naturalness
Flipping and twirling around my *******.