Neglect
ing everything around me
and inside me
everything I am

Rotting slowly
unshaven legs
smelling of sweat and
lost love

*******
on top of the sheets
and my clean laundry
dirtying without care

Neglect
ing myself
and the giving
of a care

I hate this empty feeling
In my stomach
Acidic and cold
Like someone punched it


I feel sick
I think I combusted
Wouldn't be surprised
If you loved it

I hate myself
I hardly speak
Because I hate what's underneath

I'm horrible
Understand that

I'm jealous
of every girl that gets to find you
like I did
and gets to
experience
being
swept off her feet
like you did for me

It makes my stomach hurt
because there will be
no man
like you
in my life
again

I'm not saying I want you back
I'm not.
I'm saying that I'm jealous
of every girl
who gets to be yours
and has the sense to enjoy it
while she can
before she fabricates
faults
in her mind

know I still care

In 5th grade
Velcro was
in my mind
an integral part
of my life.

See,
I had these shoes,
and these shoes were white,
and they were simply simple,
and they fit just right.
So,
I wore them daily,
and to my delight,
if I grew out of them,
I'd buy another pair in white.

But see the
thing
with these shoes
were their method of clasp
They had
two
Stripes of velcro
(And that was badass)

So I'd rip
and strip
them off my feet
Slip them on
and off
They couldn't be beat

But as the year turned to 6th
Things quickly changed
Girls were wearing different shoes
And said that mine were strange

So,
Adieu,
To you velcro,
My faithful fuzzy friend.
You'll be,
in my heart,
an everlasting trend.

If an adjective could describe me
it'd have to be hungry
for obvious reasons
cause I ******* love my food
but for poetic reasons
cause I often elude

I have hungry ears
and a hungry soul
and I'm so **** hungry
you don't even know
but you do
cause you can see it in my eyes
My hunger is that fleck of white,
that element of surprise

I have a hungry mouth
and a hungry mind
and I'm so **** hungry
and I'm so **** blind
cause I want and I need
and I grasp and I touch
I'm hungry for life
and I crave oh so much

Hungry
is my middle name
Hungry
has always been the game
I play
with minds
like meanings of names
dynamic and static

Hungry
Feed me

I've been dreaming a lot lately
Quite literally
And my dreams tell me stories
That I'm trying to decipher

I dreamt that I had brain cancer
That I'd be dead in a year
And I didn't tell my mother
Nor a thought to my father
Not even my closest friend

All I wanted was a caramel sundae
From Dairy Queen
That's all I wanted
Because why not?
I was to die anyway

So I guess I found out that I should eat that caramel sundae every time I get the chance, because someday I won't be here to eat it.

Bracelets.
Intricate weaving,
Heavy breathing,
Sharp pains,
Quick thoughts,
She tightens the knots.
She’ll strangle them into a masterpiece.
As beautiful, and innocent as her face.

So vibrant,
Too young,
Now withering with heavy thoughts.
Her head is now throbbing,
Dragging her sorrow.
Like an empty box of lead.

“Feel something.”
She says,
Only moving her lips.
Because bracelets,
They cover up the slits.
They suffocate the thoughts.
Bracelets cover the pain.
The blade calls to her,
It knows her by name.
It’s got a hold of her,
Forcing her shaking wrists to tame.

No one will notice.
They would never even look.
Not inspecting something they’d never expect.
It’ll go on,
Till those tiny slits,
Make way to dripping wounds,
She’ll hide them,
Until a point where she is doomed.
She feels no fire.
No cannot conjure up a soul.
The bracelets hid it all.
Her childhood they stole.
She lays water to skin,
Fighting for her breath.
The once clear and pure water,
Turns an ugly red.
She looks up to the ceiling,
Blank and cold.
It’s nothing she’ll be feeling.
Cause “nothing” got so old.

Moth eaten land
thrown on water.
Strings of thread tie them loosely
together.
Pigmented
red and green
embossed with hilly sections.
Thin air
thin words
thin reflections.

i'm not really sure
if i gauge attractiveness
on a real scale
but there's most definitely
a certain quality
that seeps into my
pores and in my marrow
and through my veins
that attracts me

cause his eyes are like
old books from the deepest
sections of the library
and his eyelashes
are like feather
dusters tickling
my heart in a delightful
fashion and his freckles are
reminiscent of drops
of stray ink dripping
from thunder clouds

it's an odd sensation
sensational
that's all i can use to
describe this
imploration of
my mind

I listen to too much rap music
And smoke too much ****
I got fired from my job
But I just can't leave
I still go there all the time
I still say hello to the kids
I still wish that I was something else
I wish that I was dead
And through the conflicts and the chaos
And the things that ******* this up
I feel like the real reason why this happened
Is because I just wasn't enough

The light hits your hand
And my mouth hits the floor
It's the way you touch my neck
And your eyes that tell me "more"

This is divine
sublime
it's a crime
I'd suppose
To feel so earthed
And so high-
Slipping down the *****
of the bridge of your nose

Those naked
sacred
puppy dog eyes
Strawberry rhubarb pies
and warm wool

I don't know how you do it
if only I knew it
I feel like you know me so well

You irritate me
like
natural peanut butter.
not that I don't like the taste
but
You're like the oil on top
that gets on my hands
and makes that horrible
shlopping noise

But I can never be rid of you

Oh, you bug me like natural peanut butter

A blend of threads
Complex
Yet dead
Intertwining
Mingling
A braid on her head

She's young
Yet old
In mind
She's bold
Young girl
I could've told
Her
"Don't lose
that fierce sense
of self."

But she's gone
Moved on
Dismissive
She's become
It's like
Her identity
Was sold.

No more
Will she know
Who she is
She's only told
Things that don't make sense in her head.

She's lost.

I got home and I cried
cause he made me spark
and a storm formed inside
the deepest crevices of my heart

And my throat
was a stream
of warm caramel
like a sweetly dripping dream
dripping down into a well

When I reached for his chest
I simply couldn't breath
for my body was in shock
but there was not even a heave
just a soft lullaby
of the sound of the stream
of my blood in my veins
and unstitching of seams

I'd touch his skin
While he'd sing like a guitar
with strings like butter
and a serrated harp

But even though I touched
he seemed so very far

I wanted to touch his soul
In that moment
In his car

The beat of a drum,
thumps
in the carpet of my soul.

My insides vibrating,
lumps
of dense emotions.

His foot on the pedal,
lurches
the vehicle of sound.

Everything's pounding.
Everything's loud.

You came to me so docile
Like a caterpillar on a leaf
But like that caterpillar,
You had full intention of
ripping me
apart
with your
teeth

And you offered up some ****
and I gave in with naivety
though I was already high
you watched me
oh
so
steadily

Then you pounced
I couldn't flee
Immobile me
couldn't push
you far
but I said a few
stops
and
nos
and
please don't Charlie
but you kept
on going
persistant

Persistance is key
they say
Well
**** that
I say

You degraded me that night
You
***** me
that night.

I'm never going to accept a sorry.

City bus
My ******* pulling
from the rumble and rattle
on top of the potholed pavement

Sideways moving
like a roll of film
Panorama life
yet only a picture
since it doesn't feel real

Detached
devoid
But the rattle pulls me back
I'm intact
I'm alive
The bus makes a crack

Am I an audience member in my own life?
Or is this dysphoria impermanent?

In a world where these things
move too fast
And us kids
don't get
troubled with choice
There's no variance in life

We get stuck
and then pushed
and then shoved
into things that we don't
quite believe in
then we're deceiving
ourselves
and our minds
and our souls
We don't allot time
to these things
and our goals
become slowly
unattainable
we're unable
to think
for ourselves
our own personal hells
we become.

But one thing I chose in my life
Was the
pattern of my blanket
And in my mind it's a statement
In my mind it's a
declaration
of my
independence
of my
strength to choose
of my
sudden reverence
for
people who know what they want
and they go out and get it
without waiting for a second
their courage makes me
hope that this ****** generation
can be saved
by the power
of someone's motivation.

Cause ambition only gets you so far
then you've gotta make a move
you've gotta pick or choose
And I've always been
so indecisive
With my life
I've been spoon fed
a dream
but that dream wasn't me.

So break
free from the shackles
Break
free from the chains
cause we're horses
with blinders
we're birds
with clipped wings
So break
out of this box
break
into the world
We can't fly yet,
but man,
can we sing.

So
although it's only a blanket
It's a lot more than that
I consider it a fact
Cause to me
This
whole charade of a life
is a myth
it's a 100 ft tall cliff
and we jump.

we sat there
watching Rocky Horror
perplexed by sexuality
and it's gravitational
pull
and our need to
be touched

we both wanted each other
but were too scared by our own
thoughts and hadn't yet
grown accustomed to rejection

not that we'd be rejected

an age where we only can express
ourselves through a jumble of
metal and electricity

funny

walking home
drunk

in our bellies
and our lungs
lie my vices
we roll the
dice is this
strange heaven
or the bottom
-
maybe below?

walking home
stumble

through the
streets of
Charlottetown
with a joint
that has
no filter
in the cold air
I drown

walking home
high

a shooting star
passed us by
and you ask
what's a wish
and I say
not a thing-

cause your
open arms
and your
candid laugh
are all I'll ever need.

Taxi cab driver
with the John Green book
the one with a tack on the cover
I'm sorry that I looked

But I'm sitting here alone
playing games on my phone

Not a day over twenty
Your face shows it well
You're young and seem so full of life
And I just can't tell

How did you get here?
Has it been a long ride?
Are you driving
Looking
For the things that aren't inside?

It's a February evening
and I'm making this complex
I know I'm being pretty silly
But you had to use your GPS

So I'm sitting here alone
Playing games on my phone

So we're finally at my house now
You carefully turned in
Well, I only had a 20$ bill
So you joked about a tip

How did you get here?
Has it been a long ride?
Are you driving
Looking
For the things that aren't inside?
And what's your story?
Do I know that face?
Oh, I don't know you
but it's been a long week
And you seem so out of place

I'm so out of place

I get out and fumble for my keys
It's an average night when it comes to being me
But a slight change in the common scenery is-
neat

You try to muster up upset
but you're not really
and that kills me

My sobs always landed so quietly
but now they splatter on you
like ice on cement

I hate these charades
you don't mean what you say
and I just don't know what to say
or feel

Stop acting
Be real

The perfect line-
you say them all
the time
but they're manufactured
not organic
but plastic

You want me to be happy
but it's useless

Pots and
Planters and
Rubber boots
Flowers
Cans
and biscuits

Drawing still life
in this rushed life
area
chalk full up
of misfits

Out of place
but in view
a girl sits with an easel

an easel that holds her focus

It would seem hard to do
but her composure is true
Concentrated
Full
of virtues

the feeling of a fleeting summer
the anxiety of a loss
snow plows out at
2:30 am
and in my bed I toss

momma fell asleep at the wheel again
mommas on her meds like always
I took a few pills
from her purse for thrills
they end up tasting like empty hallways

poignant, pulsing, peppered pills
give me some water to drown it out
you know I've always hated the sound
of open doors closing

what a little girl
would give
to have
a mother back-
healthy
to have a mother back-
again
to have a mother that was present;
a mother that wouldn't resent
you for being part from him

Is the blanket blue or green?
Who's blind now?

I'm a bow turned too tight
wanting to break my own ankles
to feel relaxed

I would scream if I didn't feel
uncomfortable and too big
doing so

I'm tired of shrinking as I grow
and playing nice to people
who don't deserve it

I paint myself like a *****
to see if I can emulate it
so I hope it's working

I'm not stagnant

another night with you consumed in my thoughts

I never really thought I could feel this way
and I'm somehow unashamed
of my want of you
of my craving

to think,
at home,
there's the sweetest of any man-
waiting for me?
I'm boggled
blown away

I want to grasp your hair
soft, pleasant, lovely
I want your hands on me
strong, skilled, hungrily

you just know how to woo me-
I'm getting breathless right now,
writing this
just thinking about your leg touching mine
and then my hand on your cheek
then my lips on your lips
and my pelvis on your thigh

oh god you make me
want to scream

your sly
sweet
eyes look me over
pleasantly
without greed
and I know
you want me
as much as I
want you

I hate PDA,
but I would kiss you anywhere

Reassure my broken organs.
They'll play just like a piano.
They moan and carry on,
Just like a soulful cello.

I'm indecisive and uncalled for.
My state of mind: complex.
It's all here waiting for you,
Waiting to dissect.

I hope you stay for a while.
I  hope that I intrigue.
I hope I don't drive you away,
Or wither you with fatigue.

All in all, let's face it.
I'm done with a disguise.
I'm ready to let down my walls.
Prove my decision was wise.

I'm jealous
because you did what I couldn't
do
But wanted to
for so long

And executed
with such
beauty
and grace
right down to the place
perfect

But you can't see
the heaving
heavy
hearts
of the people you left behind
and the weak ribcages
struggling for air
and an answer to
why
and
how couldn't I have known?

I wish I was gone too

Why didn't I take the plunge?
Regret fills me.
Two tickets to city cinema
waiting
Why didn't I talk to you?
When I had the chance.
I was a coward,
scared of rejection
and now I can never know
if affections were returned

I can hear you in my head
still
Minolta
Pentax K1000
Lenses
Engineering
And I wonder why you loved photography so much.
Was it the pursuit of perfection?
Was that your heaven?

golly gee
the yellow moon
and the hairs on the back of your neck

I think I saw a miracle tonight
in your eyes

ski socks on
with model clay in my hands
and a sweet face that smells like cherry pie

do I rely
on make-believe books
or real life
parallels
or the corners
and nooks

of a life far away
not of mine
but in me

oh how silly and lovely these days

Soulless
Worthless
an empty Carcass

I'm sitting and I like sitting
My life is so pretty
I smile because I like to smile
I'm completely fine
I'm fine

Rippling tar
Black mass of hell
Engulfing what's left

What's left?

calloused hands
massage my unwound fists.
hungrily touching my line covered palms.

a strong force
has me in a silent grip.
patiently pulling me to an untraveled edge.

"Where am I going?"
"What am I doing?"
"Is this all too rash?"

but back in the moment,
all I know is that this feels good,
so I'll stop talking.

Did he make the politics of love?

Immaturity in both
he and I
I suppose
Different levels of the same
sticky sweet glue of childhood

I'm immune to change
or afraid
but he too had flaws
And now I'm stuck
with his
Politics of Love

"Olivia, you deserve much more, let me say"
and it's exactly what I needed
but he was exactly what I needed
through that year
and I don't regret a single moment
crying softly in his car
followed by bellows and sudden screams

His
Politics of Love
were gibberish in my ears
like German
rough and exciting
thought I could learn it
word by word
but I was struck by their gravity
and my stomach
couldn't keep

Fighting
was a neutral
a constant debate of my needs
not needed
in my eyes
but you were hungry for that taste
of real love
I suppose
not authentic to me

This was a democracy
that I had no say in

**** your politics
I'm done

Politics of Love

Church
a sacred beauty
she stalks upon your fears
like a temptress with a wit and a fire

She'll take your money and your freedom

What a *****

If you had a chance, you just blew it.
What the **** were you thinking?
I can't even begin to place myself inside your head,
like I have so many times.

I was awake the whole time.
I wanted to throw up so badly,
On everyone and everywhere
You're so disgusting.

I love you so much
Do you want to make me feel so sick,
And make my head spin so much,
That I can't even sleep?

I've been up all night and you have to steal my sleep
You ******* *******
You just blew whatever chance you had left.

combustion
reaction
you're the chemistry
of my life

before you
I never thought
I'd ever become
a wife

a mrs. of whom
I never did know
my mr. was non-existant
like a cell without chromosomes

this science has me baffled
your logic has me stuck
I used to be so infallible
but now my life is luck

chance
circumstance
do I take the reigns?
am I ******?

but I'm contented
because it's you
and you'll always be enough.

scream
I don't know what to do
Why I did what
I did
And the fact that
I have a choice
Makes this
So much worse
Then it could've been

God,
I miss you.
And you're impossible to
Get out
Of my head
Because there's always that
Option
To have you back
And to take back
Happiness
With a vengeance

If only this could be
More permanent
For better or for worse
It'd still feel better
Than this
Teeter totter
Of emotions
I'm experiencing

scream

Offended
To the highest
Of my lumpy loping
Anatomy
See,
I came from you
Why are you disgusted by me?

Offended by my body

And my stretch marks
And my thighs
My waist is too thick
And my ******* are
Popping out of my
DDD bra
And you're in disbelief
And I suppose I'm in awe

Of how you treat me
And my body

Like it's not really me
Like this vessel is a
Machine to be worked
Harvested and cleaned

But hey,
It also contains a soul
And a mind
And a voice.
It contains a lot of things you'll never know.
And I'm fine with that.
But please, don't act offended by my body.

Tears of gin
Stream down my face
Pine needles scratch
My throat's embrace
On the words I once
Knew how to say
I'm hopelessly trying to
Reiterate.

Tuck me in
Lay me down
In the bed
I'll slowly drown
Your words are weak
They pass me by
I'm so so sorry
Liquor, I cry

Morning next
Mascaraed face
Turns to look
At her weathered mate
Thank you baby
I'm sorry I
Had too much to drink-
It's fine
*sigh

Lie to me
tell me I'm always on your mind
It's fine by me
Manufactured bliss at hand
Cause I'm somewhere else
That place is not here

And it's not near to you
Although I thought for a long time
that I was dear to you
I've got blood on my hands
Cause I'm the one who killed this
I just knew it had to end

Maybe I'm in Montreal
Maybe these flowers are Quebecois
I wish you'd understand
That these places are feelings
and my feelings weren't placed with you

Maybe this house wasn't hell
And these walls weren't my jail cell
I wish he'd understand
And no he wasn't selfless
He was just selfish and mean

So demeaning-

Understand

I don't need you anymore

Maybe

You were just a bore

As I plant myself in front of the mirror
I lift my shirt
And see what I've seen
For about as long as I can remember.
It's a stomach
Always has been.

But these tiny rolls
and squishy bits
have fluctuated
for many years
and I poke a ****
with a loving hand
a caress more than a stab

Yet you insist that I should hate my body

I love my mid section
I love the stretch marks on my thighs
I love the way my stomach
folds and plies
I love it all so much
And all of it is me
So why are you treating me like a sub-human being?

You say that you'd much rather
me having a drinking problem
than be fat
that's what you said
and you think I have a problem?

I'm 5' 1", at about 125.
You think it's "healthy" to have a low BMI.

Your method isn't working
I'm not dieting
No way
No weight watcher's for me
not ever
not today

If you think I should hate myself, Mom
I think you should just leave
Because I love my every fiber
I'm an exceptional human being
And you've overlooked so many facets of a life
And that beauty comes from within
And a couple pounds isn't going to change that
I don't need to be thin.

You eat breakfast alone
At a place you've never been
Fighting the lonely
With a scone
And a coffee

Making meaning from nothing
On the pages of your sketchbook
There are faces of no ones
or the someones you imagine

But the feel of your features
feeds the fear in his heart
Makes you think homes are
made of skin not steel parts

You could only imagine
that kissing felt good
You could only imagine
You were hoping it would
But nothing could prepare you
for the feeling of him
Nothing could prepare you
when you saw the lights were no longer dim

Shifting forward
I'm ready for this
rubber on gravel, creaking
I'm ready to not be here
fleeting air on skin
One step, one chance
a sudden screech
I'll pretend I didn't see him
walking casually

Freezing
*******
Cold
is nothing
chanced or brought to discussion?

I'd rather clear the air
with this
Unwanted and uncalled for
Disruption

I'm a teenaged mess
convoluted
a quest
extremely hard to follow

I'm hollow at best
until you get me undressed
then you know I'm the kind of girl
that'd swallow

Hey, you
Yeah, you
Guy in the red shirt

I don't know what's up with you
But I know I was a little fed up with you
As soon as you asked for my name

Flailing your arms,
For a grab
For a touch
I'm not that drunk
Didn't drink that much

Find another way
To meet girls
To score gals
Cause you're definitely
Getting nothing
Today

I'm definitely more interesting than she is.

I'm not saying this because I'm cocky or confident; I'm not.
I just know I am.

But why do I have to count and quantify a value for a girl?
Why is flesh a commodity?
And why am I trying to up-sell myself?

This self objectification never ends.
It is internalized to a point where I can't even feel emotions from the inside, only from how others would perceive them.

So detached from life.
From self.

I know she must've been great. Your family loves her. You did too.

I don't want to sell myself, but I'm feeling like I have to.
So insecure of my own "worth".

I don't save lives.
I don't even know if I can keep my own.

But I love you.

And she did too.

I can't think of better or worse, how I would stack up or compare.
But do I have to?

Am I my own ****** up ****?

Anxiety attack
Power vomiting into the sink
Downing NyQuil
To combat
My sudden loss of sleep

I'm pretty scared
Unprepared
As if I dared
To think these thoughts
Don't-

But 38,000 ft above
The stars are all
The sky's made of
And it's oh so simple
But oh so grand
So my daddy issues
Take the back burner
As I take your back hand

I've been thinking about you all night.
I still refuse to believe that it's been 5 hours since
so, I'll meet you in the practice room
and pray that no one notices

I'll see you in 5 and a half hours
I'm aching
My lungs won't fill all the way
I'm shaking

I want to dream about you tonight
finally
So goodnight, sleep tight