Did he make the politics of love?

Immaturity in both
he and I
I suppose
Different levels of the same
sticky sweet glue of childhood

I'm immune to change
or afraid
but he too had flaws
And now I'm stuck
with his
Politics of Love

"Olivia, you deserve much more, let me say"
and it's exactly what I needed
but he was exactly what I needed
through that year
and I don't regret a single moment
crying softly in his car
followed by bellows and sudden screams

His
Politics of Love
were gibberish in my ears
like German
rough and exciting
thought I could learn it
word by word
but I was struck by their gravity
and my stomach
couldn't keep

Fighting
was a neutral
a constant debate of my needs
not needed
in my eyes
but you were hungry for that taste
of real love
I suppose
not authentic to me

This was a democracy
that I had no say in

**** your politics
I'm done

Politics of Love

I still cry when I talk about you
Although I'm no longer 12
And I only think of you
once a week
At the most

You've ruined me
for every relationship
I'll ever have
And my love will never be
easy
or
beautiful
like a silk ribbon on the wind
but more comparable
to a kite in a hurricane

I'll only love
musicians
but it'll never be
practical enough
to last
and I'll live my life
searching-
for some
fragment of a dream
that you never set an example for

thanks dad

I'm jealous
of every girl that gets to find you
like I did
and gets to
experience
being
swept off her feet
like you did for me

It makes my stomach hurt
because there will be
no man
like you
in my life
again

I'm not saying I want you back
I'm not.
I'm saying that I'm jealous
of every girl
who gets to be yours
and has the sense to enjoy it
while she can
before she fabricates
faults
in her mind

know I still care

why do you think
I'm only in it for ***?

It is not the ***
whatsoever

I just want you to sleep beside me
when the nights are cold
and I'm feeling lonely
and way too old
for my age

I miss everything about you
but I don't miss the fights
and the hostility
and not being able to do
whatever

I guess there's no compromise with love

Hello there, once again
I'm back for an encore
My last show
a performance ***** or sorts

Why wasn't I content with what we had?

Your love was so ultimately pure and civil and it ran in steady streams flowing constantly through your heart.
Whereas I'm a leaky faucet who doesn't know when to stop or when to go and pays no sentiments to temperature and "little" things that make all the difference.

I think I need to learn to love. I still don't know how.

Please read this, and please know that I'm trying to figure myself out.

I'm not sure what I created
from this man
like a god

A monster I suppose
and a painful facade

I don't understand what I did
to make things this way
But I know I want them back
To how they were
replay

Back to October
Where love was so fresh
and so glimmering
and everything he did
was astounding

I didn't need anything else
but him

now the nights are so cold
when outside things are hot
and I keep telling myself
things are how they are not
and I've ******* myself over
for perfection
rejection of love

Who knows what's for best?
I can't talk to you
I feel as though I'd be weak in doing so
Maybe we just need a rest

Offended
To the highest
Of my lumpy loping
Anatomy
See,
I came from you
Why are you disgusted by me?

Offended by my body

And my stretch marks
And my thighs
My waist is too thick
And my ******* are
Popping out of my
DDD bra
And you're in disbelief
And I suppose I'm in awe

Of how you treat me
And my body

Like it's not really me
Like this vessel is a
Machine to be worked
Harvested and cleaned

But hey,
It also contains a soul
And a mind
And a voice.
It contains a lot of things you'll never know.
And I'm fine with that.
But please, don't act offended by my body.

low
and depressed
still can't get out of bed
I'm low

no way out
no way in
guess that's how it's always been
And I'll have to deal with it

low
I'm so
low
I've lost my
glow

soft
flowing words
give way to chirping birds
but I'm still inside
no place to go

filled with guilt
filled with salt
no dripping
waterfalls

low
I'm so
low
I've lost my
glow

I can barely speak
to you now
I'm floating
underground

Goodbye
to all my friends
at least the ones
who said they were

scream
I don't know what to do
Why I did what
I did
And the fact that
I have a choice
Makes this
So much worse
Then it could've been

God,
I miss you.
And you're impossible to
Get out
Of my head
Because there's always that
Option
To have you back
And to take back
Happiness
With a vengeance

If only this could be
More permanent
For better or for worse
It'd still feel better
Than this
Teeter totter
Of emotions
I'm experiencing

scream

I feel like we're holding a secret
so tight
And its compacted body
has been sparked, alight

These butterflies are nothing
but shame
and regret
I think I'm done with this body
I've already left

Gone

I can't sleep
I miss you
Although it's better this way

I wish I cherished when things were on fire
Things were white lights
And tin foil plates
Shining

I guess it's for the best
That's what I told myself
But now I have no rest
I just think of how we felt

It's a ****** shame
And it's a messy scheme
But we're done for now
Or at least that's how it seems

Do you even read my poetry anymore?

We're in an empty field
filled with snow
and your breath.
And you cry
because it's not
what you needed yet.
I can't give gifts
upon gifts
upon slivers of my soul.
Because I'm not whole anymore.
so let's open that door.
See me leave on a whim.
See me leave with your ring.
See me leave when it's mostly likely to leave you a good sting.

Anxiety attack
Power vomiting into the sink
Downing NyQuil
To combat
My sudden loss of sleep

I'm pretty scared
Unprepared
As if I dared
To think these thoughts
Don't-

But 38,000 ft above
The stars are all
The sky's made of
And it's oh so simple
But oh so grand
So my daddy issues
Take the back burner
As I take your back hand

I listen to too much rap music
And smoke too much ****
I got fired from my job
But I just can't leave
I still go there all the time
I still say hello to the kids
I still wish that I was something else
I wish that I was dead
And through the conflicts and the chaos
And the things that ******* this up
I feel like the real reason why this happened
Is because I just wasn't enough

When daddy was a dealer
And mommy was a dreamer
And life was always high
You couldn't catch us
Like a fever

But now I can see her-
Tears in her eyes
Momma took time off
Because she wanted to die

And the divorce came fast
But the pain came slow
When you're an adult in the body
Of a little snotty nosed

****
and
Smoke
I can see the scent
Of my ****** up childhood.
I guess you could call it descent.

Not growing up
But growing down
Into the sewers
Of my town

This dirtiness can never be washed

You irritate me
like
natural peanut butter.
not that I don't like the taste
but
You're like the oil on top
that gets on my hands
and makes that horrible
shlopping noise

But I can never be rid of you

Oh, you bug me like natural peanut butter

You're like a drop of summer rain
on a cold winter's day
so strange
and so
warm

You make feel me so hypnotized
or maybe then I'm just blind
my ignorance
runs
so deep

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

The sun touches a field of wheat
But nothing could be as sweet
as your grand embrace

I know we all think these thoughts
of death and misery
we lost
sight of our grace

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

You worry too much
my dear
but you have nothing
to fear
I'll be here when you need

No more stumbling through life
No more bickering
No strife
I'm where I want to be

Oh, you know
I'll be running back
Like a train
On a track
I can't leave my home

You're blanket soft
And I'm so lost
I can't believe all those thoughts
ran over me

But you, you make me sweet

You try to muster up upset
but you're not really
and that kills me

My sobs always landed so quietly
but now they splatter on you
like ice on cement

I hate these charades
you don't mean what you say
and I just don't know what to say
or feel

Stop acting
Be real

The perfect line-
you say them all
the time
but they're manufactured
not organic
but plastic

You want me to be happy
but it's useless

Taxi cab driver
with the John Green book
the one with a tack on the cover
I'm sorry that I looked

But I'm sitting here alone
playing games on my phone

Not a day over twenty
Your face shows it well
You're young and seem so full of life
And I just can't tell

How did you get here?
Has it been a long ride?
Are you driving
Looking
For the things that aren't inside?

It's a February evening
and I'm making this complex
I know I'm being pretty silly
But you had to use your GPS

So I'm sitting here alone
Playing games on my phone

So we're finally at my house now
You carefully turned in
Well, I only had a 20$ bill
So you joked about a tip

How did you get here?
Has it been a long ride?
Are you driving
Looking
For the things that aren't inside?
And what's your story?
Do I know that face?
Oh, I don't know you
but it's been a long week
And you seem so out of place

I'm so out of place

I get out and fumble for my keys
It's an average night when it comes to being me
But a slight change in the common scenery is-
neat

Hey, you
Yeah, you
Guy in the red shirt

I don't know what's up with you
But I know I was a little fed up with you
As soon as you asked for my name

Flailing your arms,
For a grab
For a touch
I'm not that drunk
Didn't drink that much

Find another way
To meet girls
To score gals
Cause you're definitely
Getting nothing
Today

Flesh wound
Bumpy terrain
On my arm
Like holes in lace

Oh it stings so good
and it looks so bad
Rotting skin
White and red clash

I look inside
Past my snow, so white
Kind of cover I had
That never fit quite right

These gaping holes
Excite me so
I hope these gaping holes
Will never be sewn

I'm not "princess" anymore
Never have been
Never was
I'm not above you
I don't pretend to
be

Cracked lips
From uncalculated screams
Smothered in my blanket
Suffocated
And your hand at my throat
Hasn't left for 7 years

Love you Daddy

As I plant myself in front of the mirror
I lift my shirt
And see what I've seen
For about as long as I can remember.
It's a stomach
Always has been.

But these tiny rolls
and squishy bits
have fluctuated
for many years
and I poke a ****
with a loving hand
a caress more than a stab

Yet you insist that I should hate my body

I love my mid section
I love the stretch marks on my thighs
I love the way my stomach
folds and plies
I love it all so much
And all of it is me
So why are you treating me like a sub-human being?

You say that you'd much rather
me having a drinking problem
than be fat
that's what you said
and you think I have a problem?

I'm 5' 1", at about 125.
You think it's "healthy" to have a low BMI.

Your method isn't working
I'm not dieting
No way
No weight watcher's for me
not ever
not today

If you think I should hate myself, Mom
I think you should just leave
Because I love my every fiber
I'm an exceptional human being
And you've overlooked so many facets of a life
And that beauty comes from within
And a couple pounds isn't going to change that
I don't need to be thin.

I can convince myself of many things
Like how my hair looks better with a little blonde than it does with none.
I can convince myself that no one loves me.
And sometimes it works.
And the mind is a devastatingly beautiful thing.
But mine never seems to do things right.
Like remembering things.
Or studying.
But my mind can sure do a lot of damage.
To a point where I'm sick with my own fears.
Turning like a sifter
Letting the good pass on
And leaving the lumps of bad.

I hate this empty feeling
In my stomach
Acidic and cold
Like someone punched it


I feel sick
I think I combusted
Wouldn't be surprised
If you loved it

I hate myself
I hardly speak
Because I hate what's underneath

I'm horrible
Understand that

golly gee
the yellow moon
and the hairs on the back of your neck

I think I saw a miracle tonight
in your eyes

ski socks on
with model clay in my hands
and a sweet face that smells like cherry pie

do I rely
on make-believe books
or real life
parallels
or the corners
and nooks

of a life far away
not of mine
but in me

oh how silly and lovely these days

A blend of threads
Complex
Yet dead
Intertwining
Mingling
A braid on her head

She's young
Yet old
In mind
She's bold
Young girl
I could've told
Her
"Don't lose
that fierce sense
of self."

But she's gone
Moved on
Dismissive
She's become
It's like
Her identity
Was sold.

No more
Will she know
Who she is
She's only told
Things that don't make sense in her head.

She's lost.

It's hard to feel suicidal when I've got you.
But I'm still ******* myself
And I still feel
Blue

You say you want to build an altar to my body
and a shrine to my mind
but it's hard to register
when I want to die

And it's not your fault
Nothing to do with you
I'm just a little messed up
But I'm on you like glue

Babe,
I wish that nothing could hurt you
and that it could all be smiles
but my death is imminent
I'm only here for a while.

Do I want what I need?
Am I neglecting honesty?
Honestly?
I'm a little out of touch
with my mind
and with the clutch
of gravity.

Do you even want to talk to me?
Am I boring or
insanity?
Believe me
always
when I say
I'm not alright
I'm fine
This life's a game

I'm losing

All these games

I'll end up losing

I don't know my name
What's my name?

Bracelets.
Intricate weaving,
Heavy breathing,
Sharp pains,
Quick thoughts,
She tightens the knots.
She’ll strangle them into a masterpiece.
As beautiful, and innocent as her face.

So vibrant,
Too young,
Now withering with heavy thoughts.
Her head is now throbbing,
Dragging her sorrow.
Like an empty box of lead.

“Feel something.”
She says,
Only moving her lips.
Because bracelets,
They cover up the slits.
They suffocate the thoughts.
Bracelets cover the pain.
The blade calls to her,
It knows her by name.
It’s got a hold of her,
Forcing her shaking wrists to tame.

No one will notice.
They would never even look.
Not inspecting something they’d never expect.
It’ll go on,
Till those tiny slits,
Make way to dripping wounds,
She’ll hide them,
Until a point where she is doomed.
She feels no fire.
No cannot conjure up a soul.
The bracelets hid it all.
Her childhood they stole.
She lays water to skin,
Fighting for her breath.
The once clear and pure water,
Turns an ugly red.
She looks up to the ceiling,
Blank and cold.
It’s nothing she’ll be feeling.
Cause “nothing” got so old.

Church
a sacred beauty
she stalks upon your fears
like a temptress with a wit and a fire

She'll take your money and your freedom

What a *****

Filter
on the coffee maker
on your eyes
shielding our tired brains
from things it doesn't understand

We're all so tired
and ******
and altered
So do we even live?
Or are we sliding
anti-parallel
to reality?

I'm fascinated by the slightest
And hardened by the vast
Shadows cast perception
over matter-
a mask.

combustion
reaction
you're the chemistry
of my life

before you
I never thought
I'd ever become
a wife

a mrs. of whom
I never did know
my mr. was non-existant
like a cell without chromosomes

this science has me baffled
your logic has me stuck
I used to be so infallible
but now my life is luck

chance
circumstance
do I take the reigns?
am I ******?

but I'm contented
because it's you
and you'll always be enough.

Bus
Grey seats
Black hair peeking out
Dandruff covered
Like snow on a black cat.

Window seat
Thank god no one sat beside me
Condensation like sticky toddler hands
Gripping for the remote acceptance
From peers

HOT 105.5 blasting
I wonder why I don't know any of these songs.
Where have I been?
Is this their norm?
Was this my norm?

Tears of gin
Stream down my face
Pine needles scratch
My throat's embrace
On the words I once
Knew how to say
I'm hopelessly trying to
Reiterate.

Tuck me in
Lay me down
In the bed
I'll slowly drown
Your words are weak
They pass me by
I'm so so sorry
Liquor, I cry

Morning next
Mascaraed face
Turns to look
At her weathered mate
Thank you baby
I'm sorry I
Had too much to drink-
It's fine
*sigh

Freezing
*******
Cold
is nothing
chanced or brought to discussion?

I'd rather clear the air
with this
Unwanted and uncalled for
Disruption

I'm a teenaged mess
convoluted
a quest
extremely hard to follow

I'm hollow at best
until you get me undressed
then you know I'm the kind of girl
that'd swallow

Pots and
Planters and
Rubber boots
Flowers
Cans
and biscuits

Drawing still life
in this rushed life
area
chalk full up
of misfits

Out of place
but in view
a girl sits with an easel

an easel that holds her focus

It would seem hard to do
but her composure is true
Concentrated
Full
of virtues

The light hits your hand
And my mouth hits the floor
It's the way you touch my neck
And your eyes that tell me "more"

This is divine
sublime
it's a crime
I'd suppose
To feel so earthed
And so high-
Slipping down the *****
of the bridge of your nose

Those naked
sacred
puppy dog eyes
Strawberry rhubarb pies
and warm wool

I don't know how you do it
if only I knew it
I feel like you know me so well

Slide your hand
down my back
your fingertips
are bound to crack
the code my skin
presents to you
I feel as though I fall for you.

snap

And it's all gone
My mind is taking
Over now
This horrible place
Holds me still
Captive in here
Beyond my will

but your love remains strong
and you don't let go
and I grab the rope
you've throw down this well
and it's a hard climb up
but it's worth the work

You'll never know how much you're worth

walking home
drunk

in our bellies
and our lungs
lie my vices
we roll the
dice is this
strange heaven
or the bottom
-
maybe below?

walking home
stumble

through the
streets of
Charlottetown
with a joint
that has
no filter
in the cold air
I drown

walking home
high

a shooting star
passed us by
and you ask
what's a wish
and I say
not a thing-

cause your
open arms
and your
candid laugh
are all I'll ever need.

You came to me so docile
Like a caterpillar on a leaf
But like that caterpillar,
You had full intention of
ripping me
apart
with your
teeth

And you offered up some ****
and I gave in with naivety
though I was already high
you watched me
oh
so
steadily

Then you pounced
I couldn't flee
Immobile me
couldn't push
you far
but I said a few
stops
and
nos
and
please don't Charlie
but you kept
on going
persistant

Persistance is key
they say
Well
**** that
I say

You degraded me that night
You
***** me
that night.

I'm never going to accept a sorry.

I woke up this morning
with a forgotten last night

I approached the trumpets
with tears in my eyes

And he comforted me
and apologized

But I still don't remember
a thing about last night

you know, it kind of feels like I'd been swimming for a long time, choking on water and flailing for hours, exhausted, and then I finally reached safety, and now I'm just breathing. that's what it feels like.

I seriously don't know
and I don't want to

If an adjective could describe me
it'd have to be hungry
for obvious reasons
cause I ******* love my food
but for poetic reasons
cause I often elude

I have hungry ears
and a hungry soul
and I'm so **** hungry
you don't even know
but you do
cause you can see it in my eyes
My hunger is that fleck of white,
that element of surprise

I have a hungry mouth
and a hungry mind
and I'm so **** hungry
and I'm so **** blind
cause I want and I need
and I grasp and I touch
I'm hungry for life
and I crave oh so much

Hungry
is my middle name
Hungry
has always been the game
I play
with minds
like meanings of names
dynamic and static

Hungry
Feed me

I can smell you in my hair-
Take me home
But not here,
That's not home.
Home is my temple resting on your collarbone.

Home is your eyes
in the light of your car
and the moonlight
sweetly singing
and a static in the air.

I could listen to you talk for hours on end.

help
I've fallen and I can't get up

I put blind trust in you
the fibres of your shirt
the slight smirk
on your clever face

help
I'm shaking and I can't see straight

But these things are normalities
they happen too often
no caution
and I'll just be another fatality

help
I'm in love and I can't get out

I'm shrinking into a pit
of a peach like heart
torn apart
by the hungry lips of my suitor

I got home and I cried
cause he made me spark
and a storm formed inside
the deepest crevices of my heart

And my throat
was a stream
of warm caramel
like a sweetly dripping dream
dripping down into a well

When I reached for his chest
I simply couldn't breath
for my body was in shock
but there was not even a heave
just a soft lullaby
of the sound of the stream
of my blood in my veins
and unstitching of seams

I'd touch his skin
While he'd sing like a guitar
with strings like butter
and a serrated harp

But even though I touched
he seemed so very far

I wanted to touch his soul
In that moment
In his car

In a world where these things
move too fast
And us kids
don't get
troubled with choice
There's no variance in life

We get stuck
and then pushed
and then shoved
into things that we don't
quite believe in
then we're deceiving
ourselves
and our minds
and our souls
We don't allot time
to these things
and our goals
become slowly
unattainable
we're unable
to think
for ourselves
our own personal hells
we become.

But one thing I chose in my life
Was the
pattern of my blanket
And in my mind it's a statement
In my mind it's a
declaration
of my
independence
of my
strength to choose
of my
sudden reverence
for
people who know what they want
and they go out and get it
without waiting for a second
their courage makes me
hope that this ****** generation
can be saved
by the power
of someone's motivation.

Cause ambition only gets you so far
then you've gotta make a move
you've gotta pick or choose
And I've always been
so indecisive
With my life
I've been spoon fed
a dream
but that dream wasn't me.

So break
free from the shackles
Break
free from the chains
cause we're horses
with blinders
we're birds
with clipped wings
So break
out of this box
break
into the world
We can't fly yet,
but man,
can we sing.

So
although it's only a blanket
It's a lot more than that
I consider it a fact
Cause to me
This
whole charade of a life
is a myth
it's a 100 ft tall cliff
and we jump.