i feel
like a subplot
in a forgotten movie
most of the time

because my decisions usually aren't mine
and my thoughts get plucked like spring's petals
too early to be appreciated
and not still enough to be captured

a
self inflicted
self indulgent
kind of pain and pleasure moment

stuck between a whip and feather
one is close
but the other's better

one would ask
why do I bother
maybe it's cause
of an absent father

truth be told
i'm all the better
with these instructions
worn and weathered

pick up your head and soak up all the rain
lift up that chin and wash that pain away
all can be fixed with soap and water
even the pain of loveless daughters
pick up your bags but throw your cares away

Put down these reins young man
Your ownership's invalid

Your smile won't get you out of this
melancholy ballad

You say that you're incapable
Of loving
That's for sure

Well,
Girls are girls and ****** are ******,
And you've clearly stated your preference

From my blind eye, on the coaches side
A brain is an indifference.

But you're oh so deep,
And oh so cool,
But I think that's a pile of ****.

I could sit and say, "I'm cool with it"
Barely batting an eyelash

But I feel played in this extensive game
Don't deny my right to react

You're too **** scared
To even be yourself
You really have no *****

So, thank you,
I pray that you
Make a girl extremely unhappy
I hope that she
is way cooler than me
And is equally
uncontrollably sappy

Cause I'm done with it
This addiction I've quit
I wanted you for far too long

Have fun with your life,
and living with your mom.

In 5th grade
Velcro was
in my mind
an integral part
of my life.

See,
I had these shoes,
and these shoes were white,
and they were simply simple,
and they fit just right.
So,
I wore them daily,
and to my delight,
if I grew out of them,
I'd buy another pair in white.

But see the
thing
with these shoes
were their method of clasp
They had
two
Stripes of velcro
(And that was badass)

So I'd rip
and strip
them off my feet
Slip them on
and off
They couldn't be beat

But as the year turned to 6th
Things quickly changed
Girls were wearing different shoes
And said that mine were strange

So,
Adieu,
To you velcro,
My faithful fuzzy friend.
You'll be,
in my heart,
an everlasting trend.

I long to smell someone's skin.
To brush my feet against their's
To nuzzle in their hair
And to love them whole-heartedly.

I long to caress someone's neck.
To absorb them through my pores
To have them barely quench my thirst
And to love them whole-heartedly.

But I crave what I know
I don't have
and so
I'll just long until someone
loves me whole-heartedly.

I've been dreaming a lot lately
Quite literally
And my dreams tell me stories
That I'm trying to decipher

I dreamt that I had brain cancer
That I'd be dead in a year
And I didn't tell my mother
Nor a thought to my father
Not even my closest friend

All I wanted was a caramel sundae
From Dairy Queen
That's all I wanted
Because why not?
I was to die anyway

So I guess I found out that I should eat that caramel sundae every time I get the chance, because someday I won't be here to eat it.

what do I expect?
to be loved?

because lately it's been
just a pile of *******
but who can i blame?

because i'm really not lovely
and i wish to be truly lovely

i guess he would've tried
to make some sort of contact
if he really did think i was
something special

and i hate feeling needy
and i don't want to need a thing

but that's precisely
who i am;
someone who's deafeningly
indecisive
and who can't muster up the courage to do a **** thing that'd do her any good

i'm not really sure
if i gauge attractiveness
on a real scale
but there's most definitely
a certain quality
that seeps into my
pores and in my marrow
and through my veins
that attracts me

cause his eyes are like
old books from the deepest
sections of the library
and his eyelashes
are like feather
dusters tickling
my heart in a delightful
fashion and his freckles are
reminiscent of drops
of stray ink dripping
from thunder clouds

it's an odd sensation
sensational
that's all i can use to
describe this
imploration of
my mind

I decided not to do my homework.
A conscious decision.
The things in my stomach
That make me feel like I did
At 9
Years old
Came back tonight with a vengeance.

I suppose it's still me trapped in this body.
But I don't really think I'm here.
Lately I've just been crying
Without really feeling much
So I'm scared it's coming
Back
And to stay.

I recently found out I'm afraid of heights.
I never would've guessed.
But I never would've guessed I'd be
Crying over someone
Thousand of miles away
Either so I suppose everything
is being debunked

we sat there
watching Rocky Horror
perplexed by sexuality
and it's gravitational
pull
and our need to
be touched

we both wanted each other
but were too scared by our own
thoughts and hadn't yet
grown accustomed to rejection

not that we'd be rejected

an age where we only can express
ourselves through a jumble of
metal and electricity

funny

Oh,
You skin me raw.
Not to the bone,
But to the redness underneath.

Oh,
The dew of dawn,
Plots its land,
On my stale pink cheeks.

The promised land
Was never there.
For you lie when you talk.

I should've guessed
My own demise
For you are loud when you stalk.

Oh,
My mother dearest,
This is farewell,
Short and curt.

Oh,
don't mind the merest
because you are simply
to me
dirt

I want to reach out
the pads of my fingertips
to the silken bags
under your tired
"battered blanket"
eyes

Because your eyes tell the same story as mine

And to compare and contrast
is simply the best medium
of recovery
in my humble opinion

Because we're so young and painfully present

And I feel as though our hearts
have been pulling
with a magnetic charge
and a gravitational pull

Because our empathy is astounding

What if
It happened

What if
I have to tell the world
With an unspoken shame
A teenage catastrophe

What if
It happened

I'm not even 16
I'm not ready
Let's just stop

What if
It happened

I don't think I can take a life
Decide something so big

What if
It happened

And it's all gone in a blink
And I'd just stare at that paper
With unbelieving eyes
And an unsteady hand
Just breathing out the truth
Gasping for air
And for something real and tangible

And not a positive pregnancy test

Reassure my broken organs.
They'll play just like a piano.
They moan and carry on,
Just like a soulful cello.

I'm indecisive and uncalled for.
My state of mind: complex.
It's all here waiting for you,
Waiting to dissect.

I hope you stay for a while.
I  hope that I intrigue.
I hope I don't drive you away,
Or wither you with fatigue.

All in all, let's face it.
I'm done with a disguise.
I'm ready to let down my walls.
Prove my decision was wise.

In the darkest rain.
In the bitterest cold.
Let's go see a band,
let's listen till we're old.

We'll walk hand in hand.
Lead by streetlights.
We'll sample the stage,
and the city's finest delights.

Drawn in by the music,
Held by our curiosity.
I like this new feeling,
And it's strange familiarity.

calloused hands
massage my unwound fists.
hungrily touching my line covered palms.

a strong force
has me in a silent grip.
patiently pulling me to an untraveled edge.

"Where am I going?"
"What am I doing?"
"Is this all too rash?"

but back in the moment,
all I know is that this feels good,
so I'll stop talking.

The beat of a drum,
thumps
in the carpet of my soul.

My insides vibrating,
lumps
of dense emotions.

His foot on the pedal,
lurches
the vehicle of sound.

Everything's pounding.
Everything's loud.

Soulless
Worthless
an empty Carcass

I'm sitting and I like sitting
My life is so pretty
I smile because I like to smile
I'm completely fine
I'm fine

Rippling tar
Black mass of hell
Engulfing what's left

What's left?

Moth eaten land
thrown on water.
Strings of thread tie them loosely
together.
Pigmented
red and green
embossed with hilly sections.
Thin air
thin words
thin reflections.

Call me
a name
more beautiful
than I.

It hurts
to think
you might already be
drifted.

People escape
just as
fish swim-

I'm not alright with this.

Shifting forward
I'm ready for this
rubber on gravel, creaking
I'm ready to not be here
fleeting air on skin
One step, one chance
a sudden screech
I'll pretend I didn't see him
walking casually

Sleep
Clasp my shoulders like the cling of hungry moss.
Take my eyes and cover them with your
sweet
silent
dark.
Burry my restless legs in
cool
wet
sand.
Take my faint body into your faithful hands.