Can you kiss me again?
please
You're so "me"
it kills me

Can I just lay on your bed?
please
listen to you play
with my eyes closed

Can we simply breath together?
please
I know you're "you"
and that comforts me

For ****'s sake
**** straight
just please
Can you kiss me-
again?

I don't know what to say
about the way you make
me feel so calm but alive
and warm even when it's
cold in the snow the rain
or anything

I feel like warmth surrounds
you and I would walk 10 miles
in snow storm in my sneakers
beside you with eye lashes
frozen closed

put on a jazz record
please and thank you
I want to stay so badly
and say how I feel
but-

I've never felt so good
in soaking wet clothes

When I read George Orwell,
I can only think of you two having ***.
Tumbling, writhing in the sheets.
Mechanically organic.
Something I'll probably never be a part of,
sadly.

If only you could take a pick-axe to my chest,
Peer inside,
See it all, wet, glimmering body.
I think you'd understand.

Everytime I see you I try not to jump on you
Like a heavy dog
My owner is my dignity so I keep still
But I'm barking heavily (inside)

I've been known to let perfection slip
Unknowingly folding my hand
******* over my chances
At a game I haven't even played yet

If I was self-important, would you see me?

I get near crying
quite a lot
I guess
and
even when I'm feeling great
I think things would be
better if I were to be
hit by a car
right then

I always thought these things
were always in people's minds-
always seconds from a suicide,
leaving everyone behind
but I'm seeing now that
it's just me and my mind
that are are constantly searching
for an escape against time

I'm kind of avoiding facing that,
because impermanence is
such a big part of my life
and I've learned through the years
we don't change, we just become refined
so I'm fighting with myself and my
******* hungry soul
to stay or to go
but I just don't know

whatever though,
my internal dialogue
is simply
dialogue
until it materializes

the field lies aplenty
through my fingers
crossing gingerly
luscious, bluffing, green
not afraid
and non forgiving

how I wish I was a field
how I wish I didn't envy
all the plants and trees and grasses
laying silent in the country

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't lash out
I don't anger
very easily like most
but this pent up
rough aggression
keeps me banging on the post

of life, of love, of happy
never knew any of those
so I'm constantly, fevently
knocking
feeling shut but full of prose

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm so close to breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

he smelt of smoke
so that smelt like home
guitar strings and acrylic paint
always sleeping, bored, and lounging
anything could really wait

now I'm older
but no different
and still haunted by the past
of the time taken from me
of the things that never last

I don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
I'm one step from breaking hands
of the ones who held me back

I don't want you to understand
But I'll stand on this land
never sacrificing self
never sacrificing hands
the hands of him
the hands of him
the hands that tried to hold me back
can be broken with me leaving
they will never touch this skin
again

They say that 90% of people
waiting on ***** donor lists
are waiting for kidneys.
People die
everyday
waiting for
People to die.

In a world where we don't
have organs for everyone
who wants
and needs them,
I ask,

"Do they need to harvest these organs right after death?"
"Yes."

How can I accomplishment that?
what loopholes do I jump?
Quick, painless, in plain sight,
without scarring those around.

I think of my previous options,
a rope, some pills, a gun.
All of these have faults now.

Until I can figure
a way
a how
to give my body
to someone else
to give my body
to someone how might actually
appreciate
life.

I need to wait, I suppose.
Finding life in looking for loopholes.

the feeling of a fleeting summer
the anxiety of a loss
snow plows out at
2:30 am
and in my bed I toss

momma fell asleep at the wheel again
mommas on her meds like always
I took a few pills
from her purse for thrills
they end up tasting like empty hallways

poignant, pulsing, peppered pills
give me some water to drown it out
you know I've always hated the sound
of open doors closing

what a little girl
would give
to have
a mother back-
healthy
to have a mother back-
again
to have a mother that was present;
a mother that wouldn't resent
you for being part from him

Is the blanket blue or green?
Who's blind now?