My therapist says I'm a Walking Challenge;
Is that what you saw in me?
A broken soul that you could mend
But in the end
I challenged

Tonight
I'm going to give you some advice
I should have gave you
long ago
down the road
maybe you'll thank me
For my complete
and utter
honesty

I'm not happy that we're done
I'm just glad to be a ****-up
And the battle wasn't won
all the soldiers just went home

Only you can tell me otherwise
Only you could tell me blatant lies
Only I could take your supervised
view of the world
And see it through different eyes

I am frightened now
at what you said
But it all makes sense inside my head
That you search for broken
bent
and dead
To revive what you think you can.

But some things are just better off numb
and don't think that you are the only one
to save
to be the "man"
to fill the holes
of souls that never were empty.

You're trying to fix things that were never broken
Always searching for the upper hand,
when I only stood equal.
And now when you say she's
"possibly even more ****** up"
than I was;
I understand.

I don't want to hurt you
Like I have with other guys
They all say the same thing in the end
That I "changed" them.

I honestly don't get it.

They say they've changed.
They haven't.

I say I don't want to hurt you, I probably will.
And for that, I'm so sorry.
I don't want to be your first heartbreak.

Oh ****,
Falling.

and it's the exhilarating kind of
fall where you are heading
down face first
into a field of fresh berries and cotton
soft and sweet but luscious

And I told myself I would not attach.
Not after him.
Not after that.
But I feel like this is fresh
and has potential for life
and not closed door romance

Do you still think of me
when you see a dress
like I think of you when I see sus
penders at the thrift store?

And although I don't possess your love
do you feel it fleeting, slipping, in a quick
second when you remember my
milk white skin?

I don't know if love is constant,
a coefficient, with a short half life
fuelled by intimacy and clever conversation

But I know mine wavers
like something flapping in the wind
and I don't know what
but it's so powerful that it robs me of my
breath when I am reminded of
You

Sometimes it stays.
These moments are consumed by you.

My therapist told me that
she's "not worried"
because she doesn't think
I'll "act on my thoughts"

When she can't see through my façade, I know I'm good

I guess no one reads between lines anymore
and I kind of want to do it
just to show them that I could.
One last act of defiance.

Everything is overwhelming.
I just want to sleep, mostly.
It's scary to never feel awake
and to know that it might never change.

I want off.
Off of life.
I'll never be what I wanted to be,
so why be?

I ******* hate how even after this I still feel scared to live.
I wanted so badly to die.
And now I'm still scared to live.

I hate myself for not asking you
to city cinema.
I still have the two tickets
sitting solemnly,
knowing very well that they'll
never find their rightful owner.

Make up your ******* mind.
I wanted so badly to talk to you
One last time.

Staring patiently at your icon
with a green circle.
Because you're there,
but I was just too *******
scared.

And now I'm scared to love anyone else.
Because I know how impermanent it all is.

I wanted so badly to die,
and now the one thing I wish is that
we didn't have so much in common

As a child
We see ourselves
As important
As the centre of our worlds
Pursued by burglars
and murderers
Always in the centre
Of an exciting story
Making cities in dirt piles
And castles in trees
Running from house
to house
Like they're kingdoms
And we're kings

And not so different are our adult ways
We control our own destinies
And we alarm our homes and equip them
Because "it could happen to you"
Making buildings from dirt piles
And building cabins from trees
Driving from city
to city
Like they're different worlds
And we're different people