At the edge of the bed-
black ice
on my face
because you can't
see these tears
but you can feel their pain

Refrain-
from telling me I need to change
I will never
not for you
to keep from going insane

It's plain
to me
my back to your body
You have never loved me
you only loved my body
But not its innards
Its facts
Its unsightly gaps

Keep your criticisms to yourself-
you want to improve me
But I'm comfortable with this
hatred, it's coursing through me
Running
full speed
adrenaline pumping

I know what I'm changing
it's you that I'm dumping

I'm jealous
because you did what I couldn't
do
But wanted to
for so long

And executed
with such
beauty
and grace
right down to the place
perfect

But you can't see
the heaving
heavy
hearts
of the people you left behind
and the weak ribcages
struggling for air
and an answer to
why
and
how couldn't I have known?

I wish I was gone too

Why didn't I take the plunge?
Regret fills me.
Two tickets to city cinema
waiting
Why didn't I talk to you?
When I had the chance.
I was a coward,
scared of rejection
and now I can never know
if affections were returned

I can hear you in my head
still
Minolta
Pentax K1000
Lenses
Engineering
And I wonder why you loved photography so much.
Was it the pursuit of perfection?
Was that your heaven?

Scared of the sacred
Of what is inside me
Growing
possibly

I'm scared of the God that
placed this in me
I'm still a child myself
Only 17

I don't want to be shunned
Or feel sick to my tum
I want to be done
Give me the gun

I've been thinking a lot
about you
lately
Trying to piece together
the fragmented image
of a shattered
view of you

I found a song
you played for me
many times in your car
And no matter how much I listen to it
I won't know where you are
If who you're becoming
is better for me
All I can hope is that the stars
direct us to each other then
Cause right now I feel so far
Away

Star filled rooftop boy
You hurt me good
And the bruises on my knees
Are purely pleasure
And nothing like the welts from my childhood

This is short lived
I know it is
No need for plans
Or conversation
About how this'll end
Or how we'll part

You're easily amused
But I think I struck a chord
You'll remember me, right?

Lie to me
tell me I'm always on your mind
It's fine by me
Manufactured bliss at hand
Cause I'm somewhere else
That place is not here

And it's not near to you
Although I thought for a long time
that I was dear to you
I've got blood on my hands
Cause I'm the one who killed this
I just knew it had to end

Maybe I'm in Montreal
Maybe these flowers are Quebecois
I wish you'd understand
That these places are feelings
and my feelings weren't placed with you

Maybe this house wasn't hell
And these walls weren't my jail cell
I wish he'd understand
And no he wasn't selfless
He was just selfish and mean

So demeaning-

Understand

I don't need you anymore

Maybe

You were just a bore

Neglect
ing everything around me
and inside me
everything I am

Rotting slowly
unshaven legs
smelling of sweat and
lost love

*******
on top of the sheets
and my clean laundry
dirtying without care

Neglect
ing myself
and the giving
of a care