Waking up in my own bed
It’s still been a while
Since I’ve felt like I’ve been home
Am I getting closer to knowing
Where we belong
For now
All I see is lonely people
In crowded rooms

I used to love to run and hide away
In the valleys of lost times
Watching the hills shadowy scapes
As the sunset licks the trees
Somewhere to the west
Where space and time collide
And desperate death resides
All just at the whims of life
As the summer’s night breeze
Carries our hopes to far off lands
And children dance in firefly towns
where we were alone
Just for a moment

Blank pages upon blank pages
White and black
Yet, electrified with everlasting colors
Of the things I don't love about myself
Such as the seeking of validation from the woman I love
In the way of toxic questions that I know will hurt me
I suppose I dislike the way I isolate and shut down
For when I've run out of words
The stark air can be felt encompassing the room
For I am truthfully the elephant in the room in my mind
Not entirely belonging to one thing
Enticingly scattered like torn pages floating down the river
The judge, jury, and executioner with the sentence passed down
Too soon before the hearing
I suppose I write myself off
For it's repeated behaviors that I can't seem to shake
Like when the summer time ends and closing in
Ever so approachingly like the tide in winter time
To be addicted to the complicated things in life
That bring sadness and wave away joyfulness
Where our worries won't be far behind
Next to the classic novels, finding our lonesome-selves
Welcoming oblivion

Never wrong
I thought I was never wrong
And better off just wanting less
But, I knew all of me
Wanted more

When I was twenty
I wrote Love
When I was twenty-four
I wrote Love and War In Your Twenties
Now I’m twenty-five
Love is truth and truth is poetry
And I learned most people hate poetry
Yet, I think I was made to write
Put my thoughts to ink
Quiver in the dwellings of my muse
My blue eyed vice
Where my wars have signed peace treaties
And love doesn’t seem like brittle bone
To where I hope my forever is
Cast among my dreams for us

My confessions seem to always lie at the bottom of the deep end
These intricate caverns of guilt doused memories
With no true reason
For I have never truly felt loved
Forgotten and cast aside
By those unaware, yet cast like a skipping stone
Smooth and polished and so misshapen
As if my father not loving me was my own doing
Or unable to believe my past loves could love me
For I believed I was different and different couldn't be loved
Yet, I learned by you
That some may love the sunrise, while other's may love the sunset
And night feels just as home as day
While one can be attached to land
As the other soaks in the waves
Yet, there's sand in between
That's where our love seems to meet
Somewhere in between
And of that, all of which it is
I wouldn't trade for the world

It seems that I'm not the only one
Who's feeling what were all feeling
I find myself catching news
That we all need a little bit of healing
It seems that we're testing the waters of the deep end
Just reach out your hand to mine
For some hearts just need a little bit of solace

In these crazy...times.

Looped into these last days of eternity
With all the heavenly unseen
Billowed and plowed in dark crave
Lost in a sea of diluted voice
Becoming and unbecoming just that

Eternity

Where small memory and blank pages
Define the parameters where nothingness
Disappears into the palm trees
And the first symptom to surface is desire
Denounced to the many hands
Following the map of keys
Tethered to the piano
As sun soaked faces trace contrails
With speckled eyes
We find ourselves in grievanced turmoil
Amongst such lush life

Let my knees sink into ocean blues
Where the sea’s grasp at my heavens
When the skies overcast tells blackened truths
With my swimless sinless desires pooling
Call her pretty in this dying city
Oh, heart break city, how I’m packing my bags
And, I just feel so alive
That’s the only time we ever feel anything but, sad wanting to die
So, turn down the Sinatra
Hear the scratch of the record player
As we dance at 3 in the morning
Oh, heart break city, we’re packing our bags, cause we’re stressed out
And we’re taking the first flight out
Just to find ourselves driving back
Oh, heart break city, heart throbs and heart stops
Full of fragile hearts, but we’re just not that broken

It just never occurred to me
That I was the one hurting me
Save solutions for rainy days
For now my skins on fire
And my eyes feel so tired
I’ve promised myself one day I’d be sane
Except these flames just won’t die easy
And everything seems to change
These old tricks don’t seem to work
It’s hard to extinguish everything
When nothing’s on fire

Stricken with black and white
For these brittle bones
Refuse to bend with all the ways
I live my life
With Death’s advance gambling away with my addictive tendencies
And these golden eyes shine bright
With silver hopes
Laced with tidbits of salt
Grounded in constellation smiles
Treading ever so playfully on my heart
Liplocked straight razors
Slicing through my every dream
Locked away in some far off
Hillsong forest
Benevolent to yours truly
With a guitar, bottle of whiskey
And a bullet.

And I’ve heard
With every emphasis they’ve put
On every word
With every lesson that you’ve taught
But, never learned
With every debt that everyone had to pay
With sins that I have earned
Contemplating consequences all alone
Cutting corners and jumping fences
But, we seem to have grown
And, the things we think we have
That we don’t own
Gathered in our nest
Ready to head out west
Touch the sun on far off horizons
Melt under the stars of oppressions
Self induced
And self medicated
With sights and sounds

Oh, and my sweet dear mother
I need love
But, your sweet sinless sensation
Just isn’t my style
And, by the church I’ve come undone
Yet, I carry on like the wayward sun
How long must we bleed?
Till we start to believe?
Colors a blend, these raw shriveled
Black and whites
She said “you’re tired.”
And I’m tired
That’s when I said “I’ll see you in the Wild.”

I seem to lose my way
When the end is in sight
Maybe I’m running blind
I miss the sunset
That I’ve never even seen
I want those grey skies
Cause’ the suns just boring me
When the rain is on my face
You know I dream of far away
So, let’s stay up till the morning
Even if we never see the light
There’s so much to find
So, just give me one more night

Well, I missed Thanksgiving again
That makes three years
Truth be told
I feel more at home when I’m not there
For I have mountains to climb
And views to see
Thankful for the feeling of being so...
Disassociated
Not that I don’t think of them often
I’m just not to my own personal summit yet
Looking forward to coming home
Nothing is better sometimes
I guess I just like it like that

My mother use to tell me
To be careful with the blonde girls
With pretty smiles
For they carry daggers on their lips
And their favorite place to kiss
Is the back of your neck
So, you can’t see the blood
That’s been drawn

Pretty sure I was doomed from the start
Everything in the world seems to fall apart
So, quickly...sort of love having a broken heart
Even all these drugs can’t fix me
Unless it’s mixed with whiskey
I’m not even sad, sort of just bored
Nothing can excite me anymore
The coast has lost all of its allure
New York use to be so pretty
Now it’s just a city
And all of these people
And all of their friends
Look so good together
And I don’t fit in
Cause’ they’re picture perfect
And I’m on the end
Cut me out the photo
So, they can pretend

Like I don’t exist.

And oh, how we search
For humbleness
In such unhumble ways
As if by nature
Designed for want
Never if by necessity

Tonight is the first time
I’ve written in weeks
It’s all sort of fragmented
Disjointed and dislocated segments
Bound and squeezed together in moments
Of sheer chance diluted by pedigrees
Of ever elevating time spans
Spent sleeping or wishing for sleep
Like seeing a pretty face for the first time
Attaching the backstory myself
Sort of like a shock culture moment
Like when you realize not all stars
Are quite like each other
With ocean waves crashing about
Forcefully until nothing, but peace
Resides in the moments we find ourselves

Cracking.

Please excuse my language
There’s just no other way to say
When you’ve had yourself a day
Knee deep in the salt stricken waters
Staring at the sunset
Out of breath from the weight of the world

****.

Knowing you’re sort of lucky
To get to do all of it all over again
Tomorrow when the salt is a little lesser
Dancing together in the fire covered ocean
Staring at the sunrise
Full of breath from the weight of the world

****.

Save your breath my friend
I’m not going in
I am no disciple
I’ll choose how I sin
Sprint to distant memories
And previous lives
For I am not ready
And the only thing you can’t change about the face are the eyes
I just don’t feel connected to such holy lies
So, just do me this kindness
And, let me sit on the church stairs
Ponder all my crimes

She had a tendency
To douse me in kerosene
And light me on fire
With a flicker of her eyes
And a match strike smile

Start to hyperventilate
No, I’m not seein’ straight
Knees begin to wobble
Cut my brakes, and lock the throttle
I couldn’t stop it if I wanted
Shadowy silhouettes
Make break into sweats
I’ve been dazed and confused
Since the day I met you
I’ve maybe lost my head
Yet, I’d do it all again
Perhaps I’m losing my my mind
There’s just something about you
That’s left me dazed and confused
Something about your eyes
Under certain influence
Unable to walk in straight lines
Build me up and leave me here in ruins
Either I’ve seen the light
Or I’m losing my mind
Just dazed and confused

You keep me swaying
Between being high and sober
Back and forth
Something or nothing
Caught in purgatory
And forever doesn’t seem so far away
Until you get there
Trying to find the best parts of me
Where an angel with black wings
Whispered that it wasn’t going to be free
And I still smell hells smoke on me
I swear it warms what I think
Just might be my soul

The coast always called
On Friday nights side by side you and I
Riding on my bike ready to disappear
There’s bout a million places we could go
Except I’d rather be here
And so, let’s chase these highway lines
Turn off the light and let the city lights
Guide us to where we think we’ll find home
Where, I’m feeling powerless
And, you have all the power over me
I just hope we’re bad enough
That the Devil rejects us

I wore my death suit to church
Sinners come forth to confession
A holy cross golden bullet
Shot through my head
Turned black heavens red
Where we found ourselves in memories
And to rest was to hope for a good death
Except our sins aren’t tragedies
With gold on your fingertips
Where we’d find one another alone
With salt encrusted sins on our lips

You don’t treat her well
But, you know her well
You know her limits
And, you know she’s committed
You put your toe over the line
And, then you keep it there
She’s so **** forgiving with you
She thinks your history
Could use a change of scenery
It just seems like sometimes
The ones we really care about always leave
I watched you from my booth in the diner
She broke her phone in the street
Maybe it’ll help her not scroll too far back in the photos

I sorta liked the taste of my blood
When you bite my lips
She said it’d be fun to **** in the shower
It wasn’t that great burning alive
It seems one-hundred degree water
Doesn’t wash off the sins we have

Self inflicted gunshot wounds
The suicide weapon were words
Driven straight into my brain matter
Derived of pretty lies
For I **** myself a little
Just so you can read

I have this aesthetic idea in my head
Oddly enough it always calls for me
Being dead

We’ve been dying at a fast pace
And I’m addicted to the way you taste
Dim the lights
I don’t want to stay inside alone
Tonight’s the night
Let me see what will make you moan
You can hide inside all the places
I decide to never look
Always keeping your face in mind
Cursed with bad luck
Looks like we’re decaying from the drugs

On the way out
Hitting my shoulder on the doorframe
Almost like I’m drunk
Sitting on the cliffside above California
Bloodshot eyes and sleep deprived
3 A.M. angel wings dyed black
Run my hand through my fade
Careful not to touch the horns
Delicately made of salt
And all these waves
Could help me sleep at night
Awake to see with white X’d out eyes
We could change, but talk is cheap
And I’m a demon with demons
And my demons are down for ya
With the sun coming up
The pains coming
But the rush is feelin’ amazing
Flash a devilish white smile to myself
Watch the skyline fade into black

Drowning in sin
Watch me burn
Doused in holy highs
Nothing left but bones
Don’t look in her eyes you’ll turn to stone
I wanna go, I wanna leave
This world might just not be for me
Hell is where we might find some peace
Don’t forget to breathe
When your minds at ease
When we’re chasing highway lines
In the moonlit hours
Certain things go bump in the night

I just got back and had my beats on
Jogging up the stairs
So, steep for an apartment complex
You were coming down
Crossing paths
Locking eyes
With the lyrics screaming in my ears

“I don’t want no temporary
Give me all or nothin
Imma keep it real with you
And give you all my lovin
Girl to tell the truth
It’s been a year and I’m still crushin
Girl let’s take a ride and keep it quiet
No discussin, we can take it slow
Nowhere to go no need to rush it
And if you need me I’ll be around to keep you buzzin”

And if there is one thing to take away
From all the learnings of our childish ways
It’s that we all have devils inside
Burning low waiting to shine
As other people are distractions
From our own faulty reactions
Yet, we all still hope to learn
To love what’s deep inside

It’s always funny
Going through the motions
And you said you were feelin’ high
That’s a little how I feel
With just your lips on mine
And tonight we’re both a little drunk
Slow dancing in flames
Just you and I
Except this time I don’t want to just be another one of your lovers

Every time I write
I’m filled with a feeling of this is the last
After this, I’m done and I’m complete
Just to find my veins filled with ink again
Dripping from my fingertips
Caressing your lips with all the unsaid things
So, disastrously impatient
Filled with incredulous amounts of self doubt
But, it seems you are too
Truce?
Funny how when we stop yelling
You and I both start to speak
Stop and wait for the other
There’s just nothing to say sometimes
And we’ve been at this for quite some time
Calling all skeletons
Hidden away by time

All of this just might be the same
Regardless this is quite the feeling
Of being insane
And when the day arrives
Where all my poems are dead
And I’ve decided to use words
To **** myself instead
Drowned out in black and white
Laced with colors brought about
By your imaginations
Where you can taste
What’s exactly inside my head
Both in hell and maybe even heaven
Where we’ve lost control
Of our not so holy souls

She told me blood moons
Meant destruction
How funny as we seemed so inclined
I quit strumming
Just to comment on your legs
How they’d looked so good
But would look better over my shoulders
Eyes a flutter
Bitten lips
Back locked up
Frozen in time
With the moonlight
Razing our shadows
Just for the night

And just for one time
I want to feel like the dangerous one
While you’re chasing me
Weakened staring at my jawline
As I’m watching the city lights
With you not in mind.