We're sailing the same boat
Captains of our own ships
Steering in opposite directions
Slowly going nowhere

Razor sharp winds
Cutting through my skin
Going straight into my soul
Its going for the ****

How dare I throw out a lifesaver
While we're busy drowning
Just forget about the world
Be selfish - you are more important

It starts at home they say
Home is the open sea
But the oceans bares so many secrets
Just one more wreck forgotten underneath

Evil Lurks
It seeks me..
Around every corner..
In every dream...

My granny was the only one
Who ever protected me..
It seems - like She just knew
It started haunting me from my younger years...

Dreadfully she has past
Now my shield is gone
Weakest at my best
As evil seeks a home in me

she believed my good heart
Will go far
It will bring greatness
Through my leadership skills

I'm doing it again
Running away
Putting others peoples problems, opinions and well being
Above my own

I don't like to see people suffer
Or hurt in the slightest way

Yet their opinions of me
Is greater than my own?

I know my heart is golden
My intentions are pure

Yet I'm still worried
How they see me?

I don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going either

My future has never been this uncertain!

I'm fighting a loosing battle
My thoughts are killing me

Yet I'm not getting to a conclusion
It causing more confusion

I do not even have a clue
What the problem might be

Can't go digging in the past
Too scared of what I'll find

Went through all my write
From the last few years
And it was clear

History repeats itself

Its a vicious cycle
On repeat

Once again
I'm lying here
Heart filled with tears

And I still don't know the core

Trying to figure out my ways
And why I cannot change

I'd rather be alone
Than take a chance to love
Coz I know how much it hurts

Uncertainty is killing me
I can no longer see me future

I don't know what is wrong with me

Dying to fall inlove
And just be truly happy with what I've got!

But the grass is always greener on the other side

One never seems to be enough!

Feel like moving to another town
Running away is what I usually do
The easy way out

I'm a coward you see

I cannot face my fears
Don't wanna dig for core problems either

I'm scared of what I might find in my past

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Feel like a failure
But worst of all
I've failed my son!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Have to stand my ground
Not let go - just hang on
Do not let the last little piece of Me
Go out of control!

And just like that
I'm wide awake
Tomorrows troubles crawling back

Failure or Not
I have to stay strong
My son depends on me
His unconditional love
Will pull me through!

I've been awake all night
Can't seem to fall asleep
This time, without any methamphetamine

It feels weird - out of the ordinary
Especially after sleeping two full days - in recovery

My gf said my pupils look big
I guess she's doubting my intake too
But not to blame her - I probably would have too

I have so much going through my head
So grateful for many things and friends
My gf and my family above all rest
Except my son, ofcourse - he's forever my No1 and More!

I have a troubled mind
Don't think it entails me this time though..
Its my inner being
That cares so much for the weak...

I know I help where I possibly can
Lucky for me - I have a very understanding and supportive group
But all the worlds troubles,
Are causing me sleepless nights it seems

Food, we can supply for those in need
Stationary for the poor, is no problem either..
But what about the precious jewels - that end up suicidle?

I had training in this field
Got a certificate to prove it too!
But what use is it - if I don't really know what to do??

She's a very dear friend of mine
Very close to my heart
Unconditional friendship love
I see the hurt in her eyes!!

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

If only God could write it on my cupboard door!!

I am really tired
And need my beauty sleep
My son will need all of me very soon..

But yet - I think..

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more thorough..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

Still hopefully staring at my cupboard door..

I always find a way to help those in need..
Its second nature and easy for me..
But the ones who need my help the most..
Seem to catch me at my weakest -
I'm no good with cancer or disease nor **** addicts neither?! :'(

But I won't give up on either
I refuse to let them go
I know I will find the strength somewhere
And let them know - They will never be alone!
Even if my words and actions fail them - my mind or heart never strays...

So...

Maybe if I stay awake a little bit longer
Think about the situation a little bit more through..
Maybe the answers will find my restless soul!

No one looks at me the way she does
Her eyes stares into my soul
The glares makes me feel the unknown
Forbidden love that feels so real

Its like both just know
We can be so bad for each other if together
Yet we both just strive to bring out the best in the other

Sharing the same weaknesses
Going through the same difficulties
We are our own addiction
Motivation to stay clean is the love for each other

We are just two **** junkies trying to stay clean
Our love for our drug should pull us apart
Yet it makes us cling to each other in the hope recovery will last

I don't know how sane this is
But it works for us currently
Everything in this moment is exactly how its suppose to be..

I want to give you the love I think you deserve
I want to be the cause of your beautiful smile on your face every day
I want to fill your heart with the greatest joy you'll ever know
I want to hold you close and never let you go
I want to keep you safe from all sorrows and pain

I want to give you all this and even more!!

But my demons fill your big brown eyes with hurtful tears
My words cut you open and slice right through your bones
My actions brings you to your darkest fears

I do not know nor understand
I despise my myself with utter disgust
It sickens me to my stomach that I actually want to *****

You don't need this from me!

My insecurities rip your bleeding heart right out your chest
My defensive behaviour is to guard myself from hurt
But in return our love suffers
The beauty of what we once had gets lost
Our relationship that once was perfected gets affected by my selfishness

How do I stop making the past my present
And just believe in what we've got

I love you without a doubt
Is it the fear of loosing you
That makes me push you further away
That the pain will be less when I end up alone?

I want to give you my sincerest apologies
Ask for your forgiveness
I wish that all that was said can be lifted by the wind and blown away into a distance
Be made forgotten

I want to heal our broken trust
Mend our hearts
And change all this unwanted anger into much needed and well deserved Love!

From dancing on tables
To sitting in the corner

From being the loudest
To having no voice

From being the strongest
I'm now the weakest

From seeing only beauty in all things
Now I see the ugly in me

I use to make people feel good
Now all I bring is tears

I use to be soft and gentle
Now I throw a punch or two

I was always smiling and laughing
No all I do is shout from anger

How did I become this nasty person?
Its a whole new me
And nothing for the good!

Its not like me
To hurt another human being
But it feels like that's all I recently do?!

I don't want to be this person
I hate the changes in me
I wanna go back to the old Vilene!!

I use to be the one
To brighten everyone's day
Put a smile on their pretty little face

Wipe the tears
Replace the fears

Be their voice
Their standing rock

Make them sing
Bring happiness

Let them believe
There's beauty in everything

How did I become this weak??

I use to be that one
Most people respected
And looked up to

Everyone wanted to know me
Some wanted to be me
And I'm not vain by saying so

I feel different now
I've lost my sense of direction
I've lost my smile
I've lost my voice

I'm just existing now
Not living anymore
I use to have a cause
Now I'm just lost

I no longer have my own opinion
I don't know what I feel
I have lost my ambition
I've given up on me

I use to bring smiles
Now all I see is tears
What happened to me?
How did I become this mean??

I want to write you a poem
Tell you how I feel
But if I only knew...

Its not that I don't love you
Or wanna be without you
If I only knew...

Pushing you away is what I end up doing
Not that I want you any closer
If I only knew...

I am pretty sure this is what I wanted
Convinced that I was ready
If I only knew...

Am I loving you
Or hurting you
If I only knew

What am I suppose to do??

I'm scared of loosing me
My independence
My friends
My personality

It feels like you're controlling me
Distrusting my every move
No matter what I do
It will always be wrong for you

I wanna be the perfect wife
Be your rock when you need me to
Your friend in need

But I'm loosing me...

I use to be free...

I thought that's what you loved about me?!

Now even my friends you wanna choose
Change the way I think
And feel about things too

I still need to be me...
Not a reflection of you..

I haven't had a reason to write
You're happily engaged
My life has also changed

I fell inlove again
Saw a future with that special someone
Just started building myself up
Thought it would be perfect

Amazing how things can change
In a blink of an eye
Once again I just wanna die!

Heart in pieces
Broken inside
Why no tears falling from my eyes??

Suppose I'm use to the pain by now
I don't feel it that bad anymore
It all gets easier in time

I have what I need
My sons unconditional love
The only thing keeping me alive!!

Never have we gone apart like this
Broken you left in an empty home
With no more or less
Than the one word saying yes..

Yes you've left with her
Yes you're making up
Yes you deleted me
And yes you no longer care

Heartbroken I am not
Suspected this would come
My turn to say yes
Yes you're  gone!

Happy and relieved
No more sorrows for me
I hope she treats you
The way you treated me

Yes your day will come
Like any dogs' does...
Hope you living well
Right there in hell!

My son means the world to me
And you almost mean as much

I cannot help but wonder
Why you'd move to her so quickly
But you never did the same for me
Although I always begged you

It has no relevance
You happy now
For that I'd always be thankful

Wish I could be there with you
For you..

But I know
You know
I will always love you..

Expressing my feelings is so hard
The one place where I felt safe
Has been jeopardized

Like all aspects of life
I loose that close to my heart
To the most unexpected

I always preach
Happiness come from within
But what If you have a broken heart
That can not be easily fixed

I don't often feel safe
Only a few got it right

Yet, they are no longer here
Some left in a hurry
The others are in heaven

One day..
I will be up there
And feel safe in His arms

I blame myself for a lot of things
But never blamed myself for loving you
Always wanted what's best for you
I see you are happy now
I always wanted that for you
I always wanted the be the cause of that
Suppose in a way I am
The smile on your face brings happiness to my heart
I'll always be greatfull for the time we had

Its almost been another year
Of excruciating pain endured
Once again
No one realized my fear

I thought you'd always be there
But without you knowing
What happened in my world
You left me out in the cold

Tanya, you were always my number one
That's the one thing I thought you knew for life
Yet, when my world came crumbling down
You left my side without me knowing why

Still sitting in the dark
I lost All my old friends
Never knew getting clean would be this hard
I'm going through hectic changes
All coming from inside

I came to pta
And lost another friend
I was left on the side of the road
With no where to go
No one to phone

Dixon drove by
he felt like my little angel
Tears rolling down my face
He held me close and arranged a hotel

Funny how life turns out
He saved me that night
Even arranged my flight
Going back to PE now
To start my new life

I care for my people ~ just wish they noticed!
I cry when you hurt ~ can't you see my tears?
Feel my presence ~ I'd love to make you smile!
You are my friend ~ therefore I'm blessed!

Broken hearts ~ mend in Time!
Time heals all wounds!
So chin up and smile!
All will get better in a little while!

I've had enough
Its been long enough
I need another
To stray away from you

I came to realize
We have all odds against us
Universe playing jokes with us
Bringing us close
Then ripping us apart

We know we are meant for each other
But can't find a way to be together
So I find another
To stray away from memories with you

But I go home eventually
Just to find myself alone again
Because I can not be with another
I need to be with you!

No matter how hard I try
No matter the amount of tears
Or all the others...
Its still you love!

You are my Lesbian Love
-the only one who could captured my heart-

Tanya ~ it is You I love!

Getting sober has been fun
As being fuckt
It has its pro's and cons
Being fuckt
I knew myself
A was a cold hearted *****
Emotionless I was free
Being sober
Is a whole different me
Its all New
And I can Feel
Being sober
I have realized
Nothing else makes sense
Being without you
Its useless being sober

Don't live with regrets
There may not be a tomorrow
Don't wait to tell that someone special
Time may fly away
And you'll never a chance
Don't wake tomorrow
And have done nothing about it
Make mistakes
If you don't
Its the memories that will be lacking
Don't fake it
Your life will not be real
And will not have lived
Live life to the fullest
Everyone dies
But not everyone LIVES!!

There's a song in my heart
I cannot sing
Only because
You're not here with me yet

So many things left unsaid
So many words spoken in gest
Was it all truth
Or have I been deceived

I have gone through my process
Something you've been lingering on
I got clean
But I cannot really see a difference in you

Why am I still sitting here
Waiting for you to come home
Have I been blinded
By the one thing I never believed in

Love is blind
I believe it now

For I'm a lesbian
Yes its true
I like women
With long black hair
Just like me!

For I like girls
Soft and sweet
With lips like candy
And bitter sweet symphonies

I'm a lesbian
More Proud I couldn't be
And I really don't care
If you think any less of me

For I like women
With beautiful eyes
Staring back at me
Soft smooth skin to touch
And make me feel so loved

For I love you
My number one
My one and only...
Its with you I wanna be
And spend my life with YOU!

Binne d vlgde 20 min verjaar jy ~ jy word ouer ~ nog 'n jaar verby ~ waisted! Or so it feels! Ma net vi een rede... Its another year I did not spend with you!!! Jys my love at first sight! The love of my life!! And I'm not there wif you!!!! Ek hoop mt my hele hart ~ jy geniet jou aand! Weet net ek sit hier ~ en **** an jo wens ek was daar saam mt jo!!! Happy birthday!!

As I sit here in the dark
My mind goes blank
But only one vision
That does not seem to vague

The memories of you and I
Are bringing tears to my eyes
Thinking of the past
I cannot help but smile

We've had our ups and downs
Fair share of sadness and laughs
But without a lie
I'll never look back and frown

If anything had to happen
And I would have to die
I can happily say
I have been loved!

But in reply
Without any delay
I would have to shout out loud
You were the one that owned my heart

I have Loved...

Your wet naked body so close to mine
I can feel your ***** grinding mine
Your load breaths driving me insane
Put your fingers inside
Or do you want to feel mine
Give me some ice and feel my tongue twisting around
There you go ~ now you try the same
A continuous lust unexplained
I will be your **** and you can be mine

I met this girl
She was just like me
Friends we will forever be

As time went past
And we grew older
We grew fonder

My best friend I loved
I made her my wife
So rest could see
We were two girls inlove

Your skin as soft as mine
Your sweet lips touching mine
Your touch as lustily as mine
You're *** the same as mine!

Two girls falling inlove

I had this dream
It was about you and me
I could not care
If the people had to stare
It was as beautiful as could be

Someday they'll understand
I do not care if they think its wrong
Just because you are the same *** as me!

Our love is pure
Its our hearts' desire
As girls we understand one another
We were made for each other

When I saw you for the very first time
My eyes could not stop staring
Your beauty absolutely amazed me

When our lips locked for the very first time
I was shocked by our chemistry
The perfection is still a mystery

As soon as i slipped out my dream back into reality
I realized this just could never be
I fell in love with a girl ~ just like me!

Girls are like works of art
Their beauty amazes me
A perfect silluette for every eye who sees
I can not stop staring  
Skin a smooth as silk ~ you long for after your first encounter
Lips as soft as cotton ~ tastes like candy and you just want more
Eyes which reveals their soul ~ just like the beholder

Closest friends
Betray you
Family
Denies you
Lovers
Leave you

When all has gone wrong
And you've been left alone
With no where to go
Who are you suppose to turn to

God has never saved you
Satan will never love you

The cold wind warms you
Heat thrills you

You're out there on your own

Don't frown upon the world
Someone out there
Feels just as lonely and cold

Through my years
And different life cycles
I have come across
Quite a few surprises

I have seen
many Friends come and go
Many relationships fail
Plenty hearts break

But so few
Who ever found true love

How many put their hearts on line
How many put their lives on the line
All in hope to find that 0ne Love
To be with till the end of time

Never realizing
That  True Happiness
Comes from
Deep within

Hearts were made to be broken
Friends will always disappoint you
Love never really finds away
Or have any meaning

There's only 0ne..
One who will be honest and speak truth
One who love you for you
Only one who will always stay True..
That 0ne ~ is You!!

Find it in YourSelf
Make Yourself happy!
Love Yourself!!
It all lies within!!
Nothing else ever really matters!!..
But YOU!!

Why is it that
I can't stop thinking about you
Why is it that
I cannot get over you
Why is it that
You are always the one I run back to

When we both know
We will never work
When we both know
It was never meant to be
When we both know
The love is not enough

Tell me
What am I suppose to do
Tell me
How do I forget
Tell me
Not to feel
Tell me
you don't want me

But I know
You miss me too
But I know
You feel the same I do
And I know
You love me too..

I'm hungry
But can't eat
I'm tired
But can't sleep
My thoughts are busy
But my mind is empty?
My mind is busy
But my thoughts are empty?
I am sad
But there's no tears..
How can you be there
While I'm over here!
How can you sleep
While I'm crying over here!
How can you smile
When I just wana drown?
How can you not see
Its for you that I feel!
But how can I feel
When the heart bleeds?
It was all a big mistake
Death was here to take!

What if the timing was wrong –?
And we didn't want to let go –
And then we started loving the Wrong soul??

There would be no such thing
Seeing that we are there…
Right where we were meant to be...

Even though
We don’t always believe
Everything was planned for a reason…

Make the most of what you have
Make every second count
After all – it is the present…

So many pathetic little souls ~
To scared to be alone ~
Running behind some-ones *** ~
For the idea of love?!
When will they learn ~
Love only brings heart ache and pain!
You need to learn to stand alone!
Happiness comes in bag
Or inside yourself!
No need for emotional dependency!
You honestly believe that is ****?

There's a uncontrollable sadness in my heart
Its killing me to leave you behind
Feels like I'm doing this all wrong
But its for my future I need to stay strong
Loving you for all the right reasons
What we have between us is so scares
Not sure if I will ever find a happiness like ours again
Just hope this will be all woth it in the end
I don't mind putting my own happiness aside
Just hoping you'll find yours along the way
Me leaving you for the wrong reasons
should prove I'm not worth your time

Tonight was great
No wait!
It wasn't..
It was beyond my greatest expectations!

I did not wanna leave your side
Wanted you to stay a while
Maybe even sleep in this empty bed of mine!

Kissing you was ...
I don't have words to explain..
I was left speechless...
Just wanted m0re!

Can't imagine a life with you
The perfection will go to extremes

You're an addiction
Worst than morphine
Can you imagine
just you and me?

Have to say good bye
Something I'd rather n0t do
But I know
I'll see you in my dreams!

Everyone is gone
My house or home is empty
So is my heart..

This is what I wanted
Yet I'm crying..
Its too quiet?

Don't know how this is gonna end
How long will it take
For a broken heart to mend?

Loosing you ~
Is not my intention
But this is what i have to do

In order to find ME

The thought of You
Should put a smile on my face
But instead ~
It brings tears to my eyes…
\
Loving you is all I want to do
Want to bring the sun and moon to you...
Give you all the stars in the sky…
And make you smile!

Are we willing?
To put our feelings aside..??
Live a Lie..?
Is that really Living?

What are we doing this for?
Not to hurt another’s soul??
Them be happy… ~
And we live life being sad…

Teary eyed
I had to say good bye

Doing right
Is the only way..

Not what I wanted to do
I wanna be with you

For the concept
Of true love
at first sight
This feels like betrayal

For I am Fine ~
Working on getting better.
But the thought..
Of what Could’ve been…
Still haunting me..!!

Really trying my utmost best
To get you out of my head..
But it’s your face I see
When I go to sleep...
It’s your body i'm longing
When I wake up in the morning...

It’s your voice I want to hear
Starring at my phone
Can’t wait for your name to appear!
Can’t wait to be with you alone…

Both of us occupied...
Why do we have such terrible timing?

If I could turn back
The hands of time
If only I knew back then
What I know now!

Its all in the kiss they say..
For now I know its true!
Thinking of that night..
Wish I never said good bye!

Maybe there would’ve been
  ~ a “You and I..”  ~

Peace & quiet ~
resting my soul~
thoughts keep wondering ~
need direction though ~
my heart keeps pounding ~
its you I wanna hold!

Starring at the Crossroad
Don’t know which way to turn
Demons on both sides~
Pulling me apart
 
Good & Evil
Fighting over Me
Cant wait to see
… who Wins …
 
Looking in the mirror
Don’t know the stranger
Starring back at Me…!
 
All I remember ~
She use to know ~
Who she Use to be…
 
Doing good – Helping others
Has drained the Life out of Me!
 
Dull grey eyes,
~use to be blue
The fake smirk..
Use to be, ~a beautiful Smile..
 
One day the world will see
What Evil, ~ being Good,
 Has done to Me…

Doing what I do every day
Doing what I’ve always done
Helping people come undone…
 
Better opportunities coming my way...
To better the coming days...
But never do I put myself to Gain…
 
Working towards a greater future
While I stay behind...
Keeping everyone else’s goals in mind...
Putting My needs aside...
They need me now...
 
Wish I could say what I really mean
Wish I could say what My heart really feels…
 
Cannot leave them for you…
Coz I know you’ll be okay...
Although I know ~ being with you will be absolutely Great!
But, they need me now…
 
I wish there was a way
To see You everyday
I wish there was a way
To make you stay & wait...
 
But that won’t be fair
On neither one of us
Giving it my best...
But cannot help
Thinking of you every minute of the day...
 
I know you’ll be better
You’ll be all I ever need
 
Don’t know what it is
Don’t know why I feel so much...
But I know ~
There could’ve been a Greater us!
 
So sad that I have to say
Goodbye
Waiting for me...
Is not how I expect you to be...?
Nor feel...

Funny.. How things just suddenly change..
Just feels like your life's been rearranged!
So now you're not sure what to do..!
Like you're someone else~just not you!
But the changes are actually not that bad.
Cause you found something like you never had..!
So this is what I'm feeling now..
I wanna keep you.. I just don't know~ How?!
You make me feel super good, I'm on cloud 9
When you're near~i know I'll be just fine!!
Its crazy when we're apart..
Then you come home~
And kickStart my heart!!
I do really miss you so very much..
Your smile, your kiss, and your Gentle Seductive Touch..!!
Not to sure if I've said this to you..?
But you're stunning~ and I hope all your dreams come True..!!