I’ve always been prepared
Trying to predict how things will go
What people say
Prepping for some unknown doomsday
I even knew why were going to fight just now
You see
I know how this goes

This is the part
Where you tell me you have no feeling
That somehow down the line
I’ve broken you
Tell me
If I have broken your heart
Then why are the tears streaming down my face?
You’re so quick to call me a murderer
That you don’t even notice
The blood dripping from your own hands
As you point the finger at me

The wounds I made on you
Start to heal
While the wounds you inflicted on me
fester
You’ve made me into who I am
This girl whose eyes well up
With apologies for things I’ve never done
The words dance down my cheeks

I don’t have to say it
It’s just like giving a condolence
Over the loss of a loved one
What’s the use of “I’m sorry”
If they’re already dead?

I’ve always been the morbid one
Out of the two of us
You used to laugh and tell me
I worry too much
Maybe I was always preparing myself
For the next catastrophe
But, the one doomsday I never prepped for
Was the day I lost myself

I had a nightmare
That I kept trying to call you
But you wouldn’t answer
The phone would ring and ring
Each dial tone blares through my speaker
Evolving into the sounds of war sirens
And tonight, I’ve lost this battle

Some nights you crawl into bed with me
We lay our heads on our pillows
Facing each other
Talking about our future
And you tell me how much you miss me
You look at me the same way you used to
You promise you’ll never leave
You promise to keep all your promises
But, we both know that you break promises
As often as children break their arms
Jumping off of swing sets

Other nights, you tell me that I am useless
A constant repetition of turned backs,
Slammed doors
And apathetic stares through car windows
You tell me I annoy you but you don’t want me to leave
You know, It took me a long time to learn
That “I don’t want you to go”
Doesn’t mean, “I want to stay with you forever”
Because, my hand on your cheek
wasn’t enough for you
When the upper-hand
was always more important

And the battle continues
The sirens ring on
The things I always wanted to say to you
Still never get said
Not even in my sleep

The dreams may change
But it always ends the same
You leave me
I wake up alone
You wake up in her arms.

I’ve been waiting on a miracle
Like the ones I’ve read in church
The ones where Jesus fed a crowd
On hardly anything
Or even for simpler needs:
a great man
A stable family
To reclaim the parts of me
That have been worn down over time
I used to be one of the undiscovered wonders
Of the world
But the sands of time
have withered me down
To brittle bones and cracked gemstones

I have to be honest
I don’t think there’s any magic left in me
And
Sometimes I think of
How beautiful it could be
To fill my bathtub
With unanswered texts
And memories that have convinced me
I’m not worthy
And
I might have just enough magic left
To have the last thing I ever see
be a miracle
Of turning water into wine
And Leave it all behind

We sat on four thrones
In corners of the world
to the North, East, South and West
Reigning over our own domains
We were stardust in the wind
Blowing across borders
Into unknown territories  
And crossing into new comfort zones
So close to all falling in love
But never willing to give up our crowns

In matters of
Being a knight in shining armor
What makes up Prince Charming?
Is it the gleam of his smile
Or the boom of his voice
Is it about his skills
With a bow and axe
Or does it rely more on his
Valiant heart
His code of honor
When I was a girl
I would always pretend
I was a princess locked away in a tower
If I’m being honest
Playing pretend was more like a projection
The creaking castle doors in my fantasies
didn’t look much different from the slammed ones at home
And the part they don’t tell you about growing up
Is that the roofs may change
But what’s underneath never really does
I was always looking for my Prince Charming
But lately,
I have realized that I am royalty
With out the slaying of dragons
And true love’s kiss
So the question that keeps coming back to me
I am really a rescue mission?
Or does the princess save herself in the happily ever after?

You left the cap of your toothpaste
on the right hand side of my sink
The first thing belonging to you
that made itself at home in my bathroom
eventually
The shelves were filled
With a collection
Of yours and mine
You nested into my spirit
And nestled into my life
You became the space in every crack
The shadow in every corner
The ray of light through every window
The creak in every floor board
Until you decided that
It was time to move on
to better, open floor plans
and vaulted ceilings
you took everything with you
When you moved out
Now all that’s left
Is the cap of your toothpaste
On the right hand side of my sink

I feel the change
You’ve formed in me
you assembled
What was left of me from the crusades
Of other men coming to conquer
a girl they had stampeded and blown to pieces
and effortlessly clicked me together
In seamless parttern
Like the final pieces of a jigsaw puzzle,
a project that others would find tedious
You find it relaxing
you choose to lay me out
across your dining room table
As a way to set the sun
And night after night
And put together each shard
Of my heart
And baptise it in moonlight
Until you see every line and curve
Formed into vast landscapes
And intricate patterns
You smoothed my edges
you bended the curves
you dulled the blade
You put the pin back in the grenade
You melted the frost
Your love has shaped me
The last piece
Is in place
and my portrait is finished
I just hope you like what you see.