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Victoria S Dec 2013
Rushing cars and twinkling Christmas lights and “holly jolly” Christmas music that is being periodically interrupted by the blaring of horns;
I just want it all to stop.
Bed sheets that no matter how warm they get still aren't desirable without you in them and cups of coffee that only sometimes achieve success in doing their job of keeping me awake;
Aching seems to be my only pal these days.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that pretending just won’t cut it
And it seems that I can no longer cope with this anxiety that is bubbling up
Because I miss you,
I miss you,
I miss you.
I really freaking miss you
And I don’t know how many more times I’m going to be able to journey through the fog that plagues me every time I go to step out that door.
I’ve stopped being able to convince myself that it’s worth it now that you’re no longer there to remind me and kiss my flushed cheeks on the days when I come home so convinced that  I’m not strong enough
You were the fuel that kept me going,
And without you here, I’m afraid
Victoria S Nov 2013
I ensnared myself in the inescapable business of not caring when the undying desperation of my heart reached a heaviness of fate that my weary wanderings were unable to withstand.
Without second thought, I locked the doors and buried the rusty key deep inside of the abyss that lived inside of me, where even my own search is incapable of yielding discovery.
Icy, stone walls now diligently keep under wraps my intolerable feelings of inadequacy and guard my outside excursions from the influence of any sense of care that may cause the perfectly manufactured wall of secrecy to crumble.
I could knock or wiggle the doorknob, but all honesty reminds me that anything left that may answer inquiry would be an emotion to beyond undesirability to warrant acknowledgement.
It is possible that I made the correct decision and maybe the fate of not feeling was truly the safest option left to me,
but even with all longings of my  heart oh so securely guarded,
I can feel the heaviness of a desperate ache holding me to the ground.
It may be under lock and key, but it is there,
weighing me to this fate, ensnaring me in hopelessness, and keeping me from being truly free.
I am weary from carrying all of this dead weight inside of me.
Victoria S Nov 2013
Even when the cracks in your soul have overtaken and the cobwebs seem to have found a permanent home in the dusty corners of your chilled hear,
I have not left you alone.
Even though all logic seems to convince that your cries have been hopelessly lost in the vastness of the lonely abyss and your reachings are yielding no joy,
I have not left you alone.

I know you've released all feelings of faith in the possibility of a rescue and I know you posted the vacancy sign on the door of your seemingly abandoned heart weeks ago,
but my dear,
please. Don't give up.
I have not left you alone.
Victoria S Oct 2013
I'm oh so nostalgic
For those moments with you
That we have not yet shared.

I''m replaying memories
of journeys with you
that we have not yet begun.
Victoria S Oct 2013
there was no longer enough room for the emptiness inside me.
Pure desperation to escape the void pushed me through the only door I knew to lead me outside.
I walked, I stumbled, through clusters of stray leaves that crunched beneath my bare feet.
I inhaled the brisk fall air that numbed my toes though what I wished it'd do was numb my memories.
and then I ran; passion for escape swelling up like the thunderclouds above me
until the rain breaks through and begins falling upon my face.
The rain drops feel like truth washing the lies away.
The water floods me like the realization that  maybe I'm not running away.
Maybe I'm not looking for to escape the emptiness.
Maybe I'm searching for cover; maybe, I'm simply searching to fill it with you.
Victoria S Oct 2013
We didn't drift,
we ran in opposite directions.

We used to wake with thoughts bound in union,
but now we rise with hearts in different times zones,
and minds set on horizons miles apart.

Tonight, goodnight feels like goodbye.

This isn't the distance you come back from.
This isn't the distance they meant when they said it makes the heart grow fonder.


We're so far apart.
Victoria S Sep 2013
For years I've been told that to love is to fall,

to fall, to be stripped of control.

But, what I have found on the journey of loving you is that love,

It feels an awful lot more like landing...

Arriving home at last; after a
                                                            ­             Hard
                                                            ­                                 Fall.

Loving you is the safety net that caught me.
*To love is to land.
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