"Thinner"
The ever-present goal
The cause of raging jealousy
The trigger of self-harm
"Thinner"

"Thinner,"* it's all they hear

Ad after ad, person after person. "Thinner."

Whispers followed by whispers all on top of whispers become
Screaming
"Thinner."

"One pound," they tell you, "it's equivalent to acceptance," and
"the smaller the weight," you see, "the stronger the beauty."

"Look like her and maybe you'll be satisfied."
"Loose the weight, then you'll be free."

                                                                But
                                                      OH, MY DEAR
                                                      Let me tell you...
                                                     It's never enough.

I hear those lies that have been disguised as encouragement and the blasphemy pretending to be wise.
But please, listen; none of it's true.
This worlds' evil, it has you hypnotized.
You're beautiful. Stunning. * You.
Don't listen* to the voices shouting,
*"Thinner"

It's pressing into my chest with a weight that is stronger than my own and my thoughts are running in circles, shouting in a language I don't even know

Something is ripping at my chest
       Picking it to pieces
Forcing my spirit into a state of brokenness

I don't know what it is but it hurts with the intensity of a raging fire and it's consuming my bones
My thoughts

My plans

My feelings

Flames licking up every sense of security or understanding
I feel lost with no sense of direction and zero understanding of this place in which I am trapped.
I'm longing for something,

someone

To understand
To know me and to be known by me
But there is no name
No face
Nothing to link me to this person, this person who I am already very much in love with

And I'm realizing that all of this confusion and ache
Is plaguing me simply because I haven't met you yet
I haven't met the one who fits perfectly with who I am
                           I haven't met you
                     I don't know your name
                          Or your face but

My whole being is continuously calling for you
And
Wanting you
So
I guess the point of all this rambling is just to convey that I miss you desperately, even though I don't know your name

And I want to promise you that I'm going to wait for you
And not settle for less than all I know that you will be,
I will not settle for less than the beauty of being with the one He has designed for me.

So no matter how hard it gets to resist the temptation, I'm promising you this now. I promise you that            I'm waiting.
And I'm hoping, that somewhere out there, you are promising this very same thing to me.

Truly and honestly,
There is not a thing more lovely
Than the way His songs of romancing love
And the sweet aroma of His presence from above
Gently put to rest all the lies she's believed
And the insecurity that she has become.

I wonder* if he wonders about all the little things that make up me.
I wonder if he wonders about the sound of my voice when I sing, the look on my face when I sleep, and the twinkle that will spark in my eyes when he looks upon me.

I wonder if he wonders about the type of woman I will be.
I wonder if he wonders about the things that I value, the ones who are of importance in my eyes, and the ways that I love in a way entirely unique to me.  

I wonder if he wonders about the looks that hold the soul that is me.
I wonder if he wonders about the curve of my lips, the shape of my hands, the color of my iris, and the clothes I wear to dress the body to hold the soul that is me.

I wonder if he loves me,
Now, even before the concept of “us” has come to be.
I wonder if he wonders if I love him.
And I want him to know that I do.
And that I am waiting for him, the one who is waiting for me, and hoping for him, while hoping that he too hopes for me.

and then,
in a single second
all of this euphoric nonsense collapses gracefully into the twinkling light that ever so gently reveals the depth of the reality and the order in the complexity of all the wonders You have done,
for me.
and I am in love. More so than ever before.