Look over your shoulder
And you’ll find me there, staring
Admiring your hidden perplexities
Your mysterious and alluring secrets
That draw me in with every glance

Blood starts to pour from my eyes
I cry that your perfect imperfection
Is unworthy of my sight
But I can’t help but notice
You staring back

I thought I'd never be satisfied with
a love that doesn’t fill me with fear
one that makes me question
everything I thought was real
everything I thought I knew
you convinced me I was no one
without you.
I wanted to hate myself with the most
intimate, lustful passion
like you always did
I never believed that love can be attained
without pain

But I truly want to imagine
That such a man exists
Who doesn't rule the world (and me)
with his iron fists
With feelings genuine and pure,
who gives more than he takes
Lord, if you're out there
Give me one of the good ones
for ****'s sake

I feel every neuron bouncing in my head
Shooting electrical currents
back and forth.
back and forth.
back and forth.
One plane to the next
Moving my neck
side to side.
side to side.
side to side.
I lay supine
and think,
"I can't stop thinking"
My ears are ringing
My mouth is dry
my eyes are bleeding.

Begging for mercy
Dreading the cost
An eternity spent
Confused,
Lost,
         Nailed to the cross.

When I'm alone
I keep catching myself
Smiling
Imagining you
next to me

As I gaze up at the moon
all I can think about
is you

I will never understand
who or what I am
but when you're next to me
I gain some sense of
familiarity
I see your face in the moon
staring back
blankly

As a child, I always felt safest
holding the hands of tattooed people.
Their feelings were worn on their skin,
their smiles were always genuine,
their words came from deep within
their soul, honest and true,
and their acceptance of themselves
showed me it was beautiful
to be authentically you.

I have come to realize
that I have become the person I looked up to
since my vulnerable, earliest days.
Now, whenever I feel alone or afraid
I hold my own hand
and feel safe again

My fears have become amplified
They consume me.
Other people worry
about being watched,
about talking too much,
but my biggest fear is
my mere existence.
The idea that my senses
all allude me
I am just as likely to be standing
as I am sitting down
I am just as likely to be here
as I am elsewhere
I am just as likely to be awake
as I am asleep
Nothing that I see or feel
is real
Everything I type and read is
a fabrication
a delusion
an allusion
to it being a fantasy
Perhaps my life
has all been
just a dream

In this world
the only way to survive
is to pretend.

As I walk through open fields
My hands graze the grain,
And feel the caress of rain
Comforting me,
whispering:

it’s alright, my dear
our time is overdue
the snow will soon
come
to blanket the world in frost
and when it does
my love
our lives will not be lost
we will always have the chance
to return
once again
so we welcome death
with open arms
and resume our
sacred dance
one day, you too
shall return to soil
and when you do
you’ll ground your roots
and return once more

The fruit that lies before me
is neither above nor beneath.
Wasting thought on fruitless worry,
existing for the pursuance of grief.
wasting your love by craving more,
accomplishing nothing but a heart
being torn.