You lived for the days when you'd beg for death
Just to feel alive
You'd stand in the middle of the road, yelling
"Hit me, *******! Hit me, *******!"
You lived for those days
The days you scared the hell out of me
And you'd laugh
"I wasn't serious" you'd say
But I'd know you were
I'd know

So you tell me it's getting tough again
And I tell you something like the same
And we talk and cry
Sob and curse
But nothing changes, not really
I want to be able to tell you
That sometime everything will be alright
Some time in the future, everything will be okay
But it's a fool's phrase
Spoken by fools for fools
And you are not a fool
All I can tell you with any sort of certainty
Is that everything will continue to be something
Until it doesn't anymore
You can take comfort in the fact
That your universe will remain unshattered by the unfathomable
Until such a time as it is
And even then, when your world is crumbling
And all sense no longer makes itself apparent
Even then you will not be able to conceive any of it
Your universe will be intact until it isn't
And when it no longer is
You will not know
And you can take comfort
If in nothing else
You can take comfort in the fact
That at this point in time
You know what misery has befallen you
You understand the why
And whether or not you are capable of fixing it
Is neither here nor there
Because what is important
Is that right now you have the words to describe everything
The good and the bad
So hold on to that
Hold on to your understanding
Hold onto your words
Hold on to your concepts and values
And thank the odds
That you have them

You love me?
Well that makes one of us

nemo scit quare
ego ridens sunt
nemo scit
et nescio

I want to kiss you
So badly
Every **** day

Were the streets to be paved with diamonds
Such that the light of the sun
Blinded all who walked upon them
Still would I walk
Were the skies to be filled with smoke
Such that the weight of the air
Smothered all who breathed it
Still would I breathe
Were the blinding streets endless and
Suffocating air omnipresent
Such that the air and light
Could not be escaped, except for hiding
Still would I remain exposed
For I have seen the pleasant side of Hope
And all that remains is to retain it
That it may allow sight and breath
For I have seen the spoils of being Vulnerable
And so shall I gamble

The night sky is only half as pretty
When you're not with me to help me see it
Let's be spontaneous, just like Mitty
Greenland and Iceland, randomly flee it
Let's just pack our bags and head for a spot
Anywhere different and anywhere new
Like a whirlwind we'll head out on the dot
Just so long as I'm venturing with you
Alas we are halted; big dreams, too young
All our adventures seem based in uptown
And this stark reality is what stung
Because being contained can bring you down
No matter the wait, we'll get out of here
And head someplace new; adventure is near

Stop talking about the best thing
I dare you
There's something to be said for
The fear of it
Fading

Passing through it seems to me
Yes passing through you are
You're extremely beautiful,
If only from afar

**** rules.
I'm immortal, *****.

Everything is unto everything is unto itself

Because you know **** well
I'm turning the **** around

**** the police. I want justice.

I am
An open book
Made up of the ashes
Of fantastic people and books
Of miraculous animals and fantastical structures
Of civilizations grander than I could ever conceive
Civilizations burned down specifically
To create the pages
That I am
"Buy a building to burn, sirs!
Triple your investment when we build this child!"
They wasted a **** good concept on me
And I didn't fail
To let them down

That's right, I came from ashes
But I'm nowhere near a Phoenix
Cut me and I'll bleed
The ceremonial color of a man
Whose last will and testament
Is that no one he knows will see him
Cry so hard and so long
That the dying is over long before
The tears are through
And when the blood and tears mingle
Sense is lost
Because Spielberg's AI was not that sad
And no one understands why
Okay?
Okay.
Hits me the way it does

They used to say that illness sprang
From bad blood
I know inside I'm terrible
And maybe that's why I love
Donating blood
That on a deep subconscious level
I try to purge my impurities
Through my borderline masochism
A vampire girlfriend would suit me just fine
I think to myself
And I pump in the sleeve
Take from the vein all you desire
And my eyes roll back
What a ******* ******

"Don't judge me" I tell them
Half-joking
So the sincerity in the concern is mistaken
For a good leg-pulling
I am aware and scared of what people think
In a secret sort of way
The kind that's alright as long as
No one knows
Because when they know
They'll control you
And you, helpless to your worry
Will stress and believe everything
"I don't want to be hated"
Be non-committal
See both sides
Don't vote for anyone, tell them you have to go
Take a stand, *******
I am a spineless *******
Who is trying so hard to grow a spine
You can be emotional and have a spine
But some days I would rather just have a spine
And the will to speak

Arrogance is a virtue
According to my mind
It compensates feelings of intense insecurity
With bouts of arrogance
Founded in the juvenile feeling of
"Everyone *****! I'm the best!"
Which is only thinly veiling
"Why the **** do I continue to be a waste
Of oxygen and space? This is what my shoelaces
Are for. . ."
But I don't want to be left hanging in the wind
Feet kicking off the chains of mortality
And accepting the un-existence
Of my destined oblivion

I am
A self-fulfilling prophecy
Written on the charred bones
Of civilizations grander than I could ever conceive
"He will grow until he doesn't
Live until he doesn't
Think until he doesn't
And when the stars are aligned
In the perfect triangle
He will exist as an entity
Until he doesn't"
I cannot escape this fate
But I can ease my mind from
The horrors of pre-destination
By being defiant
And every once in a while
Live even when I don't
Think and exist and grow
All while not doing any of them
I will do what cannot be done
Because my life deserves the illusion
Of control

Let's run through the night
You and I
Let's run through the cold
Through the mist
Let's run like mad
Because I'm mad about you
And Helen Hunt knows
What I mean

Take my hand
And let's run recklessly
Through the slicked-down
Streets
Never fearing
A broken neck
Only fearing
The rising sun
Which signals the end
Of this night
Our night

Tell me naught of fate, and tell me naught of stars
But if you must, enjoy the sky that hangs above our cars
Then tell me how you feel inside, and how the night affects
Or if it doesn't, tell me that, and as we crane our necks
To see the clouds wherein our heads
Had made their home above our beds
And dreaming dreams, there they had stayed
Until attention had to be paid
And as we view these vapor ghosts
Who to our dreams used to play host
Remember how you used to be, remember who you've been
And how it was your caring self pulled me from brink of sin
Fate be ******, no stars aligned!
Above, below, no contract signed
For sure as I stand here, alive, and sure that sky above
Is teeming, filled with satellites that have heard the meaning of
A life bereft of interference, yes, sure as they have heard
Sure's the fact this life I pilot is floating like a bird
I dip in dreams and land feet-first
Accept consequences, best or worst
For all thrown at me, so I've learned
Is everything my actions earned

I think one of my favourite things
Is being a shoulder pillow for someone
I know my shoulders are hard
And probably uncomfortable
So when someone uses them for a pillow
I try to stay still as possible
So as not to make the experience any worse
And I just enjoy it a lot

So the sun hides, and you think nothing of it
The stars lose their luster, the moon fades to black
And you stand there alone, in your thoughts in the rain
Thinking how long 'til darkness takes root in your brain
But behold! There is Hope. . . floating by with another
And Patience rides past, and there in your mind
A question is born, and escapes from your mouth:
"What has been done to make all go south?"
Yet rain does not answer, nervous sun hidden
Moon and the stars pretend they're unbidden
So you remain, in the rain without answer
Learning to live as though bereft of love
Cold from the feeling and the darkness above
"Hold on," says the cat "hold on," he repeats
You make a fine pair: Helpless and Ignorant

Well I've followed you a hundred years, and the journey's led us here
To a hundred one a-coming fast, another age so near

Are you going my way, stranger? For a stranger you might be
But you aren't and we both know it, and we know I'll go with thee
Hundred One is mighty fine, but think how great it'll be:
Two Hundred One and your ancient bones still make a bone of me

Yes two hundred one, when skin is paper, I'll still hold you near
And inhale the dust that once was your hair, and sneeze it in your ear

Can you see the tracks ahead? I can hear the whistle CHOO
As it spits what we will be, in time: black ash in sky of blue
Hundred One is nearing now, and I'll board this train with you
But know, my love, that I am yours, and whatever you see fit, do

I've followed you a hundred years, and I am following still
For a love like this, with stones or sticks or magic or tricks or spears or swords or guns or words, you simply cannot ****

I know not where my path may lead
Nor why it may lead there
I do know that along this path
I'll have to cut my hair

So here's the knife, Delilah
Make my 'do less-than-long
But give me back my blade for when
I'm no longer this strong

For then I'll call upon the gods
Above, below, and deep
That their strength may attempt replace
The one I cannot keep

A cut of hand, a mighty yell
Strength and I are fused
And down this path I barrel on
By false love, I'm abused

I know all this, and yet I go
The rest, to me, unknown
And somewhere down the path I trail
I wind up not alone

Rain and I fell, as if we had the right
And now we're left alone and side-by-side at night

Here's to the lovers we've known in the past
And here's to the friends whom we thought we'd make last
Here's to those in both camps, and here's to those in none
Here's to the words said that can't be undone

Fighting is a young man's game, begun by ancient men
Who instigate and **** so they can all feel young again

I refuse to believe that I only exceled at poetry when I was sad
Because that just seems like ******* to me
But there were ways of making the words talk like they ought to that I just
Don't seem to be able to do anymore
There were days when I would read something I wrote
And I would step back and say:
"That was a good line in an okay poem"
I had a few good lines in okay poems

Yet now, I am not sad
And I have no good lines in okay poems
I have "meh" lines in "eh" poems
And I'd be more discouraged if I weren't so preoccupied
With being astounded at how much progress I've made
So I suppose, if by some strange transaction
I've traded ability for happiness
I'll give up the poems
And smile

There are some things in life that just don't add up,
No matter how many times you read Euclid's work
And history is bound to repeat itself if you bind it in a book
And title it "stagnant"
Because history is anything but
The past is constantly affecting
The present is constantly affecting
The future is all we have
So banish the idea that textbooks are detached
You are very much attached to them
And the way your mind interprets the information will dictate
How you act in situations
That just don't add up

And lo did I wish for a glimpse
A glimpse within the looking glass
Not at myself, but at just beyond
And lo did I lean in and behold! now
Now has the mirror cracked
Cracked for my too-strong desire
A desire to hold what was just beyond
To squeeze it close to my breast and relinquish it never
How sweet she is! How lovely!
But crack not o, mirror!
Let me lean in and hold that sweet and lovely which I so desire
Let me hold close to my breast that which is just beyond
Let me hold her without her cracking
Let me touch that which is perfection and leave not a finger mark nor scratch nor strand of hair
Let me love her without changing that which makes her perfect

Take a dive into the deep end of my mind
You'll find that there's not a lot that I don't drag behind
You see my skull is smeared with thoughts like a finger-painted wall
Like a ****** scab that clots when they miss you and you fall
And there's not a lot remembered, but there's everything I think
It's like stink I can't get rid of, a drink I know I shouldn't
But the bottle's empty and I start to drive
Not sure if I plan to make it out alive and it's five o'clock in the morning
But it might as well be one, for behind my eyes are flashes of all the **** I've done
And regrets pile on regrets until my office desk is filled
And the mind that fills the inbox is the one that should be killed
Or remedied or altered or driven from the skull
So the finger-painted walls can be shut down from show-and-tell
But no matter what I'm thinking, there's worse that's yet to come
For the brain is far from brilliant, the brain is just a dumb
******* ***** and with off switch in my hand
I pull the trigger, click the lights, and depart the living land

Squibbly-dibbley-Dee
She loves me
Nurbley-durbley-dur
I loves her
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Gonna say 'I do'!

When you've burst from the dark and back into the light
And the feel of the world feels once again right
It isn't as though you can see what you were
Once you've shut up those memories tight.

Roads like yours, they end in lakes
Cars go riding in the deep, deep blue
Stalling out in submerged concrete
And I've been awake too long
The lakes form in my eyes
And swallow up the cars
That traverse this long, long road

There are loads of things you feel you’ve said and I see the lights inside your head but the truth is half the things you say are said to someone else
and I know it’s not your fault that you forget
but you can’t pretend I can’t be hurt
by the way you interchange me with another little flirt
and maybe they aren’t flirting with you maybe they just want to talk but tell why’d they lean in close and whisper “wanna take a walk”
maybe my eyes are just deceivers false-believers little whisper-catching reapers that twist the way your lips contour and save that mp3 corrupted but I can’t just help but notice the whispers aren’t interrupted
you don’t think I see because there’s nothing to see and they aren’t taunting me because I’m nobody so show me ‘round like your prize-pet-pup and let those fellas lift me up and measure me with every eye from every angle biceps to thighs and let ‘em see they could take me and put me down with two swift jabs but know I’m downed already; stick this rat back in his lab

It wasn't that his wax was gone, nor that he fell from sky
'twas holy flames of divine wrath made foolish child die

Time's ticking like it does and that sentinel on the wall
Gives me moment by moment the pace to the fall
And the dominoes keep kicking like a line of Rockettes—
“What is the time? Mary Ann, check all your pockets!”
But the pockets are empty and so too are those bones
Then when push comes to shove, every tile intones
“Here are we spotted cards: all blank cogs laid to rest
You’ve been laid in sepulchers. Now come lay with the best”
But the pillow’s more tempting and heads will recline
On soft, swaddled goose down; the best rest is mine.

Pandas have yin and yang
Inscribed on their body
A reminder of peace
And unity
Among the united pieces
Of bamboo-eaters

Elephants are painted the color gray
The true color of actions
The Gray of Overlooking
Overrides black and white
And their wrinkles remind us
That there are some things
You can't iron away

A parrot sits
Filled with all the colors
Never to be called
Beautiful
But always different
Relating choice words
Like people
Who only want to fit in

Some days make me want
To throw down a grenade
And allow the shrapnel
To imbed itself in me
And with each cut
I'd remember what it was
To feel alive

Some days make me wish
That the world was underwater
And I had no clue how to swim
And the waves would overtake me
'til I was far underwater
And with each ounce of water I breathed
I'd remember what it was
To feel alive

Some days make me try
To hold onto what I remember
And log it away
In the darkest corners of my mind
And with each memory stored
I'd remember what it was
To feel alive

Diaz
Diaz was from Portugal, his first Bartholomew
In 1487, rounded Good Hope, bid adieu
For going on to India was for Da Gama's crew
King Manuel sent 13 ships with Diaz and Cabral
And April 22, 1500 claimed Brazil
Half the fleet, when on return, in Jones' locker laid
But the six remaining, spice-filled ships for the voyage paid

Da Gama**
Da Gama, he was Portuguese
For Indian Ocean trade
He sailed four ships, if you please
With Indian guidance for aid

1497 is when Vasco hit the sea
And sailing 'round the Cape of Good Hope, quickly found that he
Would require some assistance from a local native guide
Together crossing Arab sea and in Calicut ending ride
But though Da Gama and the Indians didn't hit it off
He still returned to Lisbon toting spices and their cloth

Destroy the idea that I am perfect
Because by ****, I am anything but
I am the epitome of a Trojan horse
I'll win you over with my understanding nods
I'll say things too loudly, and you'll think
"This level of ridiculousness must be trusted"

DO NOT TRUST ME

Please oh please protect yourself
I will destroy you
I won't mean to, but I will

I will be the train and you'll let yourself walk on the tracks
Loving the aesthetic
I will try to stop when I realize what is happening
But you will be flattened nonetheless

I will ask myself how you did not see
I will wonder how you could have even gotten on the tracks
I will remember putting up warning signs
"I love me some strong men" I said
"Love me some ****" I said
I pantomimed blowing a dude
And checked out the guy jogging
Still you were on the tracks
And I will know that it was my fault

Somehow, somewhere along the line, I was ambiguous
Because I'm always ambiguous
Because I can't stand the thought of someone being hurt by me
And I think that if I remain shielded by ambiguity
Maybe everyone can win
I will stay alone
But everyone else will be happy

It never works out
I always **** up
And someone gets hurt

They asked why I punched the wall
Why I let my knuckles bleed and drip on my shoes
I love those shoes
But I led you on
And I deserve to be punished
No one will understand, because I am a Trojan horse
I have won them over with my understanding nods

I punch the wall, wishing you were punching me
Taking payment for my ****** actions
Do not be ambiguous with your pain
Transfer it to me
Let me shoulder your burden, because I would rather be miserable
Than believe for a moment that someone is miserable because of me

I am barely a man, more of a boy, really
We are a dime a dozen
And my kind are *******
We are not worth much
And I need you to realize
That I am ****

I say “Which wrist?”
Her hands twitch as she reaches down
Pulls up the sleeve with such strength to reveal
The places she tried to carve herself anew
Like a bowsprit to guide her ship
I say “It’s like Van Gogh
Because Michelangelo didn’t deal
With those hues of red
And I know you feel like a Picasso painting
But you are a never-before-displayed original
Valued priceless because the world knows
You are incomparable”

The winds of change blow the sands of time
In such a violent manner
They erode and smooth the scars
Left by careless pasts
Then cut deeper in new ways
New areas to be scarred
Like the 3-D mural of the
Grand Canyon, tattooed on my good friend's
Arm, which continually spat
The Colorado River as the tattooed member
Rested against the cold tile, draping over the
Side of the tub
The place my good friend gave up material want
For the spiritual punishment which she so believed in
And the winds of change blew the sands of time
Like a pumice stone scraping away
So-called offensive skin
As if an apology for being human
Acting as a cyclist backpedalling
To deny the cemented fact of what was done

Spirits whisper from their glasses as they slip from mouth to mouth
And frigid fingers feel the way to let the cirrus crystals out
And ghostly gasps surround and bound from wall to window sash
As irons souls with oxidation from their glassy prison dash
'I am rust; wilt thou hold me?' silent whisper floats in quick
Before you answer, a breath unheld beheads the flame on candle wick

It's one of those unmistakable feelings
Like something's been woken up, deep inside
Only something deep within potato peelings
Vastly changing within whom it might reside
Everybody deserves to have their taste
Maybe some can even drink forever
Every drop must be drunk and not turn to waste
Halting negative thoughts to return never!
And perhaps it's just my dreaming ways
Yet I feel this down deep in my heart
Like the Hopeful I am, I walk in rose haze
And hope that someday to close the distance we're apart

Can't you see the bodies falling?
Tra-la-la-la-la
The moon is deep and dark this evening
Can you see its limbs?

Drop me down that shaft of light
And see if I can swim
If I scamper back again
Don't tell me I'm like him

If I could change tonight
I'd wear pants, at least

All those tell-tale signs of being sad and I think that I’ve been
I wake up late, start sleeping late and that’s just how it is
‘cos there ain’t no deeper meaning to existence ‘cept to be
And I’m being and just being ain’t the way to be for me

I sat with my old friend William Bell
Who read from his newfound newspaper page
The mirror behind me reflected well
Despite the antiquity of its age
We both had sat down to settle our tea
The day before us was laden with work
For we in our wealth had some industry
And our supervising we could not shirk
The newspaper page he read so intent
That I was anxious to hear what he'd say
He glanced at me and murmured with head bent
"Our entire fortune has now gone away"
It was too much for my heart to handle
It simply stopped like a blown-out candle

Hoodoo, Voodoo
Anything that you do
Think of what it will do
To your friends

Buildings, Guildlings
Masonic or class rings
Remember what the choice brings
When you choose

It's not so simple just to disconnect yourself
It's not about the way that you ***** yourself
There are so many things that go beyond your eyes
And the many things that remain are just disguised