Not saying I wait for you, though it's the truth

I christened myself in the church of Chaos with tears

Dr. Who gave me the feels
While I sat in the kitchen with potato peels
Cooking up some pumpkin pie
Trying not to look in the corner of my eye
Amy Pond, I miss you so
But the Angel's hand said you had to go
You know, the power of three was better, I thought
When it wasn't three Doctors together and caught
Oh sure, they're awfully clever, (400 years and 4 seconds)
But wanting Amy with the Doctor? I'm not alone, and I reckon
She'd want it too, because that's how she is
The Doctor's her best friend, and as well, she's his
Rose Tyler, Rose Tyler, your body came back!
And this time it wasn't through a reality crack!
Interfacing with Bad Wolf Girl to realize YANO
But the part that broke my heart again: "I don't want to go."

You are magic
You are cute
It's true, it's true

You are gorgeous
You are fine
It's true, it's true

You are infinite
You are pi
It's true, it's true

Santa was a hit man and he had no alibi
His big red suit was drenched in blood, more vibrant than a dye
See, Mrs. Clause was KGB, and the North Pole was her base
And Santa was the corporate shell that really owned the place
The "elves" were political prisoners (and yes, some were rather short)
And the present-giving Christmas was the day Clause would report
But when the Union went away, there was no need for Clauses
And they ripped up the whole contract (not covered in Incidental Causes)
Mrs. Clause got into drinking, and it got worse everyday
'Till it happened: she was so drunk, she keeled over in the hay
They found her the next morning with a reindeer on her head
Santa knew before the med report that Mrs. Clause was dead
So he went back to the basics, and he hooked into Network 1
The most top secret channel where certain agents have their fun
He was lost without his partner (their marriage was arranged)
She had handled the business,his financial sense was left estranged
He knew without her, he'd go under; have to sell the Pole to the West
He needed to make the payments by doing just what he knew best
Santa filled the role of assassin, killing silently with grace
He laid a finger beside his nose before he shoved the gun up in your face
Making the hits look unconnected, well he varied up his style
In fact he was thinking of being a "serial killer" and followed that up for a little while
But his stealing milk and cookies didn't clue anybody in
Maybe it just wasn't plausible to blame the fat man and his grin
Whatever the case, he's a random killer who strikes with impunity
With a swish of his coat, he jumps roof to roof, flaunting his immunity

Bowie was right
I have to put out the raging inferno
That is self-doubt
With the gasoline
That is apathy

It was a fairly good run, while we had it

Can't bear the sight of smiles
When I'm like this

My journey to self-discovery
Began with a walk
Down a hall of mirrors
Let me tell you, every one of them
Shattered
I think they're leaving a message
In the shards

You put up all these walls between us
And now I know why
It's not because you don't want to let me in
It's not because you're afraid of attachment
Or committing
Or rejection
Or loss
No, you push me away
So ******* far away
Because you want to make sure that you drown

I'll never let go, even if you do
Because I'm the Jack to your Rose
And I swear,
I would rather die drowning
With my last image being you
Half-conscious and hypothermic
Lips blue and eyes delusional
Gorgeous and pulling it off, like only you can
I would rather see you like this
Knowing that my drowning saved you
Than be alive and apart from you
Knowing that you were drowning yourself

Artemis, if only you knew
How you lift my heart

One could have a worse idol
However some are not so wise
Toy people, he says
Wound up and ignorant
Walking about and mucking up
The little, little images
The postage-stamp-motion-pictures
Don't they see?
Can't they see?
It must take a genius to walk about blindly
Which is why they all just stumble
But no matter; their staggering footfalls
Hold answers to which he must find questions
And the silly drunkards and incompetents
Ask the wrong questions for boring answers
Drown them all in the kin of Stradivarius
The singing quiets everything in the attic
That he may at last view the final stroke

Avoid the stares
They all know you should be dead

The thirst for life
I shan't live vicariously until I drink too deep
Steeping my too-old mouth in the freshness that is new life
Life stolen from those too naive to notice
And too weak to resist
I am iron and I stand tall
Taking hold of intrigue birthed from the shadows
That engulf the bed I have made
Laced with the bodies of the ancestors of my land
Counted out precisely to divide infinitely
The length of my life

Take up your arms , boys, down at the ferry
Purge the evil with the blood
Blood of us
Blood of them
Blood of my father and your father
And our father's fathers
Tainted with turning the other cheek
Or openly accepting
The life degraded through *******
Take up your arms, boys
For martyrdom is a far better pedastol
When formed of the bodies of the innocent

An equine of the purest black
Of the smokiest shape
Doth tread lightly
With calm words
Filled with the strength
And the weight of morality
His path dictated by the men
Who stand fore and aft
Clearing the way
Pushing him on
That he might stand on high
Nigh impossible to tear down
For a symbol exists long past its time
And though his steps of smoke are made
They echo throughout the decades

So caught up in changing me, I changed us both.

It's one of those days when the deep dark seeps in
And closes my eyes to the world
The change in my corneas affect the whole image
I'm seeing things I ought never see
Not when I'm alone like this
The deep dark nothing crawls on my face
And takes giant bites of my residual self-image
Until I remember nothing of who I was
I am erased completely and I do not know
Whether to thank or curse this changer of me

A dozen heads but add one more
Placed on the piano near the door
That in its presence sounds will fall
Gutenberg's chaos, pleasing all

Drops of rain like acid fall
Upon the stupid child
Whose head averted from the call
Of mother hears no sound

The drops continue, falling fast
Still stupid child sits
And the marks erosion made will last
The child's lit eyes fade

There was a panda in my bed last night
I did not notice while I was asleep
When I awoke the panda screamed in fright
He hit his head and he began to weep
"Oh my dear panda, why are you in tears?
I'm sorry I made you hit your poor head
A panda, that is sad is in my fears
And thusly your sorrow makes my heart lead
The panda arose to glance at the door
Then he ripped the blankets out from my hand
I guess he cared not to talk to me more
So I attempted to await command
But wretched bear took a bite of my spine
And then on my entrails panda did dine

Depression is the contagion
I'm allowing to seep back in

Snap my neck, you *****
You've done it once before

I am not an artist
Nor a house
Nor a saint
Nor the devil
Nor a god
Nor an author
Nor a good lover, advisor, role model or idol

I am what is left over after a large meal:
Soiled plates and napkins
And a steaming pile of ****

I despise haikus
With all the passion present
(Except the good ones)

I pushed myself into my own
Grave
And buried myself alive
Someone had to have the guts
To do it

I've been sitting on the fence too long
Too long have I allowed myself
The luxury of not committing
Of simply sitting
Sitting on the fence

I must commit to something
Anything but myself
For I am too far gone
An untamed lawn
Filled with broken bottles

Left or right in or out up or down
Where do my loyalties lie?
Some days I want war
But an oath I swore
To be a pacifist eternal

A regret is like a bomb
In your intestines:
I don't have one
I don't want one
I'm not going to be an idiot
And put one inside myself
Nor will I let other people
Put one in me
I will die
Before I allow myself to become
The object of suicide bombings
Because that's what regrets do
They don't just **** you
From the inside out
They take collateral damage
And **** your friends and the
People around you
Regrets are one of the worst
Afflictions to have

You love me?
Well that makes one of us

nemo scit quare
ego ridens sunt
nemo scit
et nescio

Petty problems intoxicate
Liberate inebriate
All I have are petty problems
And the petty people
Who began them

But let's not point the finger
Let's not draw comparisons
Let's not do these things
That make me realize
How senseless
These issues are

Because without the issues
Without the conflict
Where can the ****** be?
The exposition
That shows nothing
What point does it all have?

Give me a reason
A flow to my story
Even if it is petty
Just let me have it
The reason moves me
More than the pettiness
Disappoints me

She's wearing these long, bright red rainboots
On the sunniest of days
As if she's afraid that if she doesn't
She'll fade away and disappear forever
"You won't!" I want to shout to her
"You'll never fade away
Because you are the most beautiful thing
That has ever been permitted to stay in this world
To pass before my eyes
To smile... perhaps in my general direction..."
But she doesn't hear me
She is lost in her own analysis
Of the shifting clouds
The little whisps of whimsical water vapors
I see her spin slightly
Gazing up at their shapeless shapes
Her lips mouthing words that I cannot hear
For I am a coward and do not approach
O, What I would give to speak with her
For even the most slight of seconds
About even the most trivial thing in the universe
But alas, it was not meant to be
I walk slowly down the street
Past the cacophonous roaring of
The motor cars
As unflattering as they are to the ear
So she is beautiful
I arrive at the corner
The smell of tar and gasoline rise
From the steaming asphalt
I turn
And she is there
She is there and she is sitting
She is sitting on her bike right there
She is on her bike and I see her as I turn
"Hello" she says
She smiles as she says hello
I search for the words
To tell her how
She has owned my heart
Since the moment I laid eyes on her
"Ayeii" I say as the light changes
She giggles and rides away
"Hello I love you"
But it's too late
She can't hear me
I walk across the intersection
And continue my long walk back home
Filled with the hope that maybe it will happen again
Maybe I'll see her again
Maybe...

I'm going to stop pretending
That we had something in common
Other than music
And the pool
And our mutual gay friend
Who may one day be
The ruler of the carne asadas
You were my escape once
But no more
I used you, and I admit that
I'm so sorry I did
But I never lied to you
I wanted you near me
I still do
That's what's going to make this
So much more difficult on us
I just want to backtrack
To you and I
Being bus buddies
And hanging out
Before we had the added stress
Of dating
And kissing
Or in my case, attempting to kiss
And failing miserably
And hoping your parents would
Open the door to interrupt us
I want the us before all that
The us before the us
When it was just you and I
Separate but together
Instead of
Together but separate

Tears like these
Need patches
Not flimsy
Stitching

I gotta confession
You're my little obsession
(I say little cause the shrine's only one wall)
I just want to see you
And I want her to be you
But that's something that won't ever happen at all

I want to be a blade
Held down to the grindstone
Enduring a long
And near endless
Pain
As I am ground away to nothing

I want the stone to tear at my body
Destroying all semblance
Of the life that once was
I want every bone broken
Every vein
Every artery
Every capillary
To be torn open
That the blood of my life might seep forth
Wetting the stone
Slicking it down
To more easily cut into me
And make my existence
Turn to the dust of stone

My friend Kellie makes me smile
She's amazing and hardly knows it while
Her boyfriend drains the life from her
Leaving her crying; his intentions were
To show how she made him feel
But whose hurt is worse, whose harm more real?
I can't judge but I can see
Her sitting disconsolate endlessly
And though she tries to to fake that she's well
She's not; her smile's a grimace and that I can tell
But I hate when she feels bad and I don't know what to do
Virtual giant squeeze hug: this one's for you

I can't say just how long it's been
Since I pinched down one nostril and sniffed that stuff in
Gave myself over to the sugar of sin
Then repeated the other side so my head would spin

Maybe it's been a year and a half
But I'm starting to shake with the force of my laugh
And I can't control the twitching of my calf
It's like the boss on my neck is missing staff

The lights are much brighter and the sounds smell great
It was like this the first time in 2008
Someone'll bring ***** but I just can't wait
Now I'm off to find coke, tonight, my only date

I want to be that firework
Like, in your face showing Gandalf's work
Up and at 'em flying high
On my suicide run into the sky

They said that I could be whatever my heart desired
But I don't know what I want; All I know is that I'm tired
The world's too big for someone like me
The world's too small to fit people comfortably
The cities are jam-packed and all of the bodies
Are writhing and bending like awkward pilates
But the abs don't develop, the friendship's avoided
The only way to the top is to blood dope and 'roid it
There's no one that smiles as I climb on the train
And true, my own smile I made plans to retain
But maybe that's it! We've got a vicious rotation
Of these serious faces, a shy person's vocation
"Put up the wall!" cries the brain in a fright
The same little voice that grabs the wall switch at night
So let's bring them all out of the hand-painted shell
That covers them up and locks them in so well
But back to the start, I don't know what I'll be
And it's so hard to think with these people around me
They crowd up the alleys, the houses, the street
And it's funny, two strangers with same routes don't meet
We wrap ourselves up with the survival of the day
And we become more robotic as our humanity slips away
We entertain the thought that we're cognitively higher
And we've been doing that since Prometheus stole the fire
We've got all our gadgets ideas and tools
And we set codes of standards and morality rules
Sure maybe we're self-governing and make our own laws
But how does this make us above those with paws?
Are we wholly smarter by gift of this tech?
Because it seems to me that the world is a wreck
We took over the planet with ignorant spreading
Closer and closer the moment we've been dreading
Is nearing the Earth through the vast population
We're nearing the point where we'll need a space station
To hold all the people, too eager to quit it
To keep it in your pants, think before you hit it
To keep our races intact, to ensure man's survival
We're our very best customer and salesman and rival
"Help yourself and I'll be right along"
Is the tired old phrase, the motivation song
And some things you can change and fix with a thought
But the number of things that need more? Quite a lot
You can't save a nation just by a mental notion
There's no telepathic messenger who will fly across the ocean
On the wings and dreams of the oldest dragon
Whilst carrying the remedy in a silver flagon
There's no Wish Police who will answer your calls
And pull down their Fix-it Guns from the racks in the halls
So to move a nation, you might think it funny
But the thing that speaks to all is valid currency: money
To make all the changes you wished up in there
You've got to pull out the cash and flip back your hair
Make a statement that sure, you've no clue what you're doing
But you're willing to try, and while politicians sit stewing
Over who voted how and which bill not to pass
"The elephant says yea; Let's legalize grass!"
None of that matters if you get full support
And when you work for the world, who takes you to court?
So I guess the whole point, the big picture theme
Is that changing the world will take more than a meme
It involves more than **** and ******* and wines
It's more than those selfies and twerking and vines
It's more than that petty stuff you find so amusing
The internet was information, but you all are abusing
You muddle up facts with your silly fan fiction
U and I are ovr because you've bastardized the diction
The syntax is wrong, there are so many errors
These are but one of the grammatical terrors
That plague the nation, plague the world
The torch is passed and the baton twirled
The next generation knows no better
Than to follow our actions to the letter
What can they change when we've taken it all
And compacted it down to six summer weeks small
The information they're using is paraphrased
And the original sources have been erased
To make more room in the data banks
For storing the info on nukes and rebel tanks
Let's all converse and stop these risk stunts
Grab the bat from the player; "Take a risk, not a bunt!"
Change to the world has got to be swift and loud
Stop mumbling ideas when you can shout at the clouds
Let loose the brain you've kept locked away
And shout at the world; let them hear you today
What will I be? Well, I've got to make dough
To make waves in the world and change it, you know
I'll do what I can, within moral reason
To gain leverage on everything and it might become treason
To fix the whole world using ideas and cash
But I'd much rather my back feel the sting of the lash
Than condemn my mind to the essential lobotomy
My only medical surrender will be to phlebotomy
So take out my blood and my money too
If the world's gonna change, I've got to learn to trust you
That will be our base, our motto and creed
To strive for the change fueled by trust, not by greed

Burn my wick down
Until you extinguish my flame
With the liquid wax
Of regrets past

It will be tragic
But I'll only be half paying attention
Because you're bathing by the light
Of my flame
And it is very distracting

I'm obsessed with the vision's edge
How we look straight but there's always a sideview
Looking right through
The glass of a picture frame
The image splattered my name
On every newspaper, a cheap kind of fame
The sideview shows the real me
The kind of person who I'd be
If I'd sent this body out to sea
In that funeral pyre blazing to the sky
Mom and Dad think that I'm too young to die
But you're never too young to be that one guy
Your friends see on the tv with a nice little snippet
Of how you hated your thread so you got up and clipped it
But your parents will talk to the reporters and flip it
Say you were so great, so happy and nice
Always the one to give the good advice
The one crossing the street as you looked both ways twice
And the truth is you were already cold as ice
You tried to cry out but they nodded with grins
And they looked at you pondering and stroking their chins
And in this situation there's no one that wins
Because there's always a bridge or a cliff to jump off
When the stress level rises set off by a cough
Or you just up and choose to dive into the trough
And get eaten by pigs, digit by digit
And since you don't give a ****, you don't even fidget
When they bite off your legs and leave you a ******
But size doesn't matter, you're dead in a few
And it's not as if you have to choose what to do
In the end your fate is just pay per view
Because you'll be there, it's you that is dying
But the life negation requires none of your trying
So you can sit back relax and just watch it
There's more than one way so it's hard to botch it
Your death is the end, because there's nothing else to it
You once had a life but you up and you blew it
There was **** to be done but you just said "***** it"
And it's true, it's your life, and you have control
But before you eat lead, put the thought on parole
Give yourself minutes or days to rethink
A miscalculation of that size would stink
Set up some goals, some silly, some not
Of things to accomplish before you hit the black cot
Where they stick all the toe-tagged
The black-bagged
The life-gagged
The death-filled
The over-pilled
All those singing from their throats
Bleeding like goats
From the knife wounds like Abraham
Would've done in just seconds, ****
But the voiceless have no spokesman saying
"Hey world, there was no point in staying!"
There's always a point, and you've just got to find it
Once you do, wrap your mind and bind it
Obsess yourself with the point of staying
Remember the steepest price you'll be paying
Sometime in the future, but now be braying
The call of the stubborn, those that won't leave
The ******* with something in which to believe
I'm one of those ******* and we need more members
To warm up the cold of Depression Decembers
Obsessing about the vision's edge
The only thing that kept me on the safe side of the ledge
When I was seconds from falling down
The sideview turned my *** around
Gotta find the source of the curious periphery
Curiousity killed the cat, but the sideview saved me

99 cents for an iced tea
At the corner liquor store
But when the men in suits came and shut it down
We couldn't go there anymore
The man at the register never could add
Or maybe he short-changed us all
It wasn't the quarters he took from the kids
But the product in back made him fall
The stuff was the kind like none you'd ingest
Just go in for the coffee because that'd be best
Avoid all the product he put in the back
Because not only will you have a heart attack
But your mind and your eyes would be decieved
And the things you would see would be believed
Like Dave in the last five minutes of Stanley Kubrick's depiction
Of a Space Odyssey, but you would mistake reality for what he wrote as fiction
Up would be down and down would be blue
And your poor little brain wouldn't know what to do
All those misfiring connections made right by gunpowder
Your neural responses as sensible as chowder
Like Less Than Jake said, "I don't think I can yell any louder!"

Let me kiss you
Just once
On the cheek
So my curiousity can finally be
Satiated
I want to feel your soft skin
Brush against my lips
As I pull back from your face
"I bit your ear," I say
And you laugh
Because I only kissed you
No biting here

Get out of my heart
Get out of my head
You're not what you thought you were once
And even then you weren't that
Beauty is within
And without
And you're rotting
Rotting from your exterior to
Your core
You are a rotten apple, not a bad seed
Do you know how much sewage water it takes
To contaminate a glass of drinking water?
A drop
You're a gallon, baby
A gallon of sewage
Tons of nasty
Packed into eight ounces
Of Falsehood
So keep faking
Maybe someday, you'll find soemone else
Some other idiot who, like you, has no respect
For themselves
Or others
Or society
Or humanity
Or progress
So keep up your act
Act well your role
For you are our ***** STD
The thing we never want to hear about
But that reminds us of how much
We want better for ourselves

So your name's Amanda
And I said I'd remember it by how much
You aren't like Amanda Bynes
And you know my friend the dancer
You were there when I asked if she had
Cut that guy's head off with a snap of a leg leftover from
A misstepped plie
I told you my name
Age
Blood type
Mother's maiden name
And address
Just to make conversation
(and also because I knew you wouldn't remember any of it)
And you said that it was creepy that I decided
To sit near you
When everyone else I knew
Had left me
(I left enough room for Jesus between our backpacks
Sitting side by side)
I can't blame you for being rude
I just wish I was better at making
Good first impressions
Than I was at small talk

I was going to stick a metal rod in the outlet today
I was already vivid with the excitement
Of taking serious health risks
Imagine, just imagine what it would feel like
O, what sweet ecstasy the pain would be
Shocking, and locking my arm in place
No escape from the unconverted
Power

I was so tempted to put the metal in the outlet
I didn't care what would happen
If it killed me, so what?
If it put me in the hospital, so what?
If it gave me super powers, so what?
The thrill and excitement built up within me
And like a dam about to burst, someone said No
Someone said no no no no no...
The voice in my head chimed in
The timid little good-doer in my brain
Said No

But my arm reached forward
The metal grasped tight between my bare fingers
Grown numb from holding on so tightly
The outlet was near
close close close
My smile was the widest it's been in years
My heart was racing faster than seeing Emma Stone
And then the timid voice came back
Stop being an idiot, Jared. Go back to rehearsing the play.
I threw the metal rod across the stage
And got up
And delivered my lines