When you've burst from the dark and back into the light
And the feel of the world feels once again right
It isn't as though you can see what you were
Once you've shut up those memories tight.

I don't remember what it was to be the old version of myself
And I count that as a victory
The first death I am responsible for
Quite possibly the last

It's a lot like living somewhere as a baby
And moving at an age too young to remember what the color the walls were in your old room
But you have pictures
You know you lived in a bright orange room
But you can't feel it
You can't go back to living in that room as a child because you are not a child and that is not your room
You are someone new
And the room is somewhere new
That is what it is to **** the old version of yourself

I don't know if I will **** again
I suppose none but killers know if they will **** again
I will **** only in defense of self
Self-defense will hold up in this court of law
My law
My court
My self
Judge, jury, killer, killed

I've never been one for goodbyes
I suspect I never will be
There is no need to say goodbye to something that is already gone
He was already gone, that old self
He received no 21 gun salute
He was no hero
This new self could receive such a salute
But I hope he doesn't need one
I'm fond of this new self
I don't want to have to **** him
I don't think I'll have to

But don't think I won't
Don't think I can't
Because I've done it before and I'll do it again
If I have to

Count the omens, count your toes
Remember that which no one knows
For only those in darkness see
And that which blinds will set you free

Roads like yours, they end in lakes
Cars go riding in the deep, deep blue
Stalling out in submerged concrete
And I've been awake too long
The lakes form in my eyes
And swallow up the cars
That traverse this long, long road

I refuse to believe that I only exceled at poetry when I was sad
Because that just seems like ******* to me
But there were ways of making the words talk like they ought to that I just
Don't seem to be able to do anymore
There were days when I would read something I wrote
And I would step back and say:
"That was a good line in an okay poem"
I had a few good lines in okay poems

Yet now, I am not sad
And I have no good lines in okay poems
I have "meh" lines in "eh" poems
And I'd be more discouraged if I weren't so preoccupied
With being astounded at how much progress I've made
So I suppose, if by some strange transaction
I've traded ability for happiness
I'll give up the poems
And smile

Spending the day with you sounds lovely
And the cuddles that come before
will surely keep me warm throughout
The mildly cooler day
The whole day's planned, and I'm excited to roll
Ready to be the second bit of sushi
On your plate of bed

Just like The Narrator I seem to be
An emotional tourist
Sampling now what I once brewed
Unfamiliar with feelings which made me who I am
Suddenly aware of feelings which made me who I am
Horrified and excited and empowered and hopeful about who I was and will be and might be still
I enjoy who I am now, but some of the old returns sometimes
Catching me off-guard
Making me stumble
Tripping my feet on the grin that is the rug
Falling into the creases of a frown
Yet I emerge as Birbiglia
Hands held high
I love you and I don't mean to slip
I hate to slip
We aren't ice skating anymore, but please still hold my hand
We aren't in band camp anymore, but please still ask me to ask you out
We aren't in high school anymore, but please don't forget about me
We aren't what we used to be, but please remember that you used to love me and you still do
Please remember that I used to love you and I still do
Remember that I'll love you for as long as forever, and even longer
For as long as forever and longer I'll stay by your side
Through the **** and the swell
Through the longest of darks and the shortest of lights
Through the ugliest and the prettiest
Through it all
I want to be the one who grows old with you, our faces blending into one amorphous mass of fleshy wrinkles as we fade into that eternal sunset
I want to hold you as my arms fail me and my lungs collapse under the weight of a thought formed as word
I want to die to the sound of your breath with mine
I want you for eternity
I want to be yours for eternity
I ache for you
And my emotional tourism seems to have given me a ticket
To the old me
The me of before
The me of before who loved you but was too stupid to know it
I love you
I'm smart enough to know it now
I always have loved you
We're smart enough to know that now
And I believe in us
I love us
For as long as forever and longer