read a note that was written to me

of someone whom i hold close

yet now they feel distant

their words felt desperate as if grasping for help

yet their words were of encouragement

hoping the best for me

i remember them feeling alone

feeling like i was all they had

they wanted to be saved

they knew i couldn’t

so all i could do was write a note for future me

people say, ”you can’t love someone before you love yourself”

and i feel like that advice comes from a very broken place

perhaps those who give this advice would either not have gone through trauma

or not have fully healed from it

not all of us are strong enough to have loved ourselves first

we might not have found our own worth

but maybe in loving and being loved back

would help us realise the value within

the values that those who love us see that we have yet to ourselves

prideful and egoistic

stubborn and unwavering

but then i met you

we had our troubles and it was i who was to blame

it was a good run

and i am not so blind as not to see that i am better now because i met you

but i am still trying to be better even though now it may not be for you

i not the naive boy that came before

but a young man with much to learn

how confident are you that you would live to see tomorrow?

because every single moment following this day promised

so treasure the gift of the present

for you may not wake to see beyond the barrow

to say that i dont know where to begin would be an understatement

so i will just write what comes to mind

to let the words flow through me

and let it bleed through the tip of my pen

i promised you the world

yet you wanted the stars

and when i started reaching up for them

you chose to journey without me

having me watch you leave from afar

you did your best; but it wasn’t enough

but it was your best

you put your all

every ounce of effort

even if it was not perfect

it’s as perfect as you can put out

they say drowning is the worst way to die

you hold your breath as long as you can

but your lungs give out as you gasp for air

but you know it's a lie

water begins to fill your lungs

you're choking and your mind screams for help

but nobody comes

in the dark abyss of the ocean

raise your hand if you like the way you're treated
and if you didn't raise your hand
then you should raise your standards

there are but 2 reasons to be an educator;

one is to teach them about your successes,

to tell them how much you have conquered through perseverance and hardwork

about how you climbed the tallest of mountains and explored the deepest of waters

the other is to teach them about your failures,

about how you were beat down and how you lost everything

about how you were pushed into the dirt

that sometimes gritting your teeth and putting your all amounts to nothing

but you stand tall, in a room full of unlimited potential

helping along thirty unique personalities in the span of a year

how they can learn from your victories and the times you were forced to concede

so that one day, they may strive to be greater men

how many stars are there in the sky

twinkling lights painted on a blank canvas during the night

we count the stars that make our constellations

we count the galaxies that pass by and wonder about the light that they hold

but i can only focus on one

and during the day it burns bright

my sun

eyes are windows to the soul

it shows how we truly feel

even when our bodies try to glow

eyes are windows to the soul

it shows our true personalities, without fault

even when we try to stay low

eyes are windows to our souls

but i can't seem to see out your window sometimes

the emotions you try not to show

my heart is your mirror

for when you shift your gaze upon it

all you would see is yourself

when a door closes, another reveals itself

doors close when you fail to satisfy the requirements to help it stay open

you did not study hard enough

you did not try hard enough

you did not work hard enough

but what happens when a door closes itself when you did

blood - flesh - tears - pus

beg for my mercy

beg for forgiveness

i will slowly run my blade across your skin

slowly peel the nails off your fingertips

bleed - cry - scream

beg for for me to end it

beg for me to stop

as i rip the hair off your scalp

as i gut you inside out

i want to **** you

but slowly

make you feel every little bit of pain as you scream

scream my name

as i **** you

in this dark room

filled with pieces of you

this always happens

the same vicious cycle

over and over

im stuck at work; working to be better

i always think everything would be alright

since, i thought, we always talked every night

then it happens, they ask you out

they ask you if you're free to be up and about

you tell them yes, lets meet

word for word

without missing a beat

as i sit here at work waiting for your text to bring me peace

i see them with you on social media

a fire raises

my blood boils

my tongue to be a knife

sharp, deadly, lethal, unforgiving

i get ready to burn everything to the ground

to cut everything into pieces

i hate them with the very same passion as i love you

and i love you with every cell in my being

"you should have picked me," i thought

i would have been there soon

then suddenly i realize

that i didn't want to hurt you

you are my love, my heart

i could not bear to see you hurt

so i take it all back

the flames, doused

the knife, put away

i want you to be happy

if i behave then you could be

then maybe, in the end

once you have seen what i have done

my effort would be recognized

then maybe you would choose for me to be with you

just me

not them