The boards under my feet are cold, familiar
I reminisce about this time last year
Happiness, something new
You

The boards under my feet are still the same
I am completely different
I put so much love into the person that took it all away
Yet I still love

The thought of you wrapped up in your brain, in your bed with someone else is awful to me
This time last year that was me

She feels right to you, as did I
But she doesn't know you
She does not seem to love as I do

But you're not worth it
I can do better
you said it yourself

I walk away from the cold floorboards

I'm tired of being used
I am a person too
You cannot take me, distort me
Then leave
You cannot use me for your own selfish needs
You cannot use me for company
I am more than a tool to fix yourself with
I am more than an object
I was there for you, who's here for me?
Help me
I can't do this on my own
I'm alone, so
alone

today you asked me if i had a lighter
sorry, not in this jacket
i was never able to get you to let go of your cigarettes
you tried though, you got to 52 days! (or 54)
but that's fine, it's just a bad habit
i understand

but me
i don't know if i should consider these bad habits
not bad unless i act on them

whenever i see you i want to run into your arms
i want to kiss you, i want to make you smile, laugh
but i can't
i quit those habits,
you made me quit

we caught the same bus on the way to school
you sat right in front of me
started fixing your hat...
no, let me do it
i wanted so bad to reach out and fix it for you,
i know i couldn't.
i had to keep my fingers busy so i wouldn't reach out and help
tears came to my eyes, i wanted so badly to help, but you don't want me
then there was your hood!
lopsided, wrinkled, it wasn't right
i had to fix it, i didn't
these habits, i have to quit

we were in class
you sat in front of me again
then moved beside a friend
i turned around
i looked at your hair
oh no, i had to fix it
it was so messy
so... weird
so... different
so long
let
me
fix
it

i can't give it up
these habits came along 11 months ago
how do i quit something like this
how do i quit showing my love

soon enough maybe someone will come along and catch the same habits
buttoning your jackets, shirts, pants, fixing your hair, fixing your hood, hats, fixing your trucks on your skateboard, fixing your rough hands, fixing your nasty elbows, massaging you, someone will fix you.

i couldn't fix you as much as i tried,
i can't fix myself either.
but that's what was good about us, we were both messy and broken and we still kept on loving each other

*then you left

downtown Toronto
you left me there, last week
I walked expecting you to follow me, I didn't turn around
finally I turned, you were gone
I was lost,
stranded in a wave of people
looking for art

the drunk and high teens walking around for who knows what
causing ruckus and yelling wherever they went
you left me amongst the young and old artists
the photographers, writers, sculpters, you name it
you left me amongst the old lovers enjoying themselves
you left me amongst the smell of cigarettes, marijuana, **** and *****
and I can't believe it
you actually left

you left me on the corner of King and Yonge
I was lost, downtown Toronto
no where to go
I sat down on the curb of a hotel
A couple tried to help me
tried to get me somewhere safe
your hotel room?
no, absolutely not
she was hot, but that's illegal
I'm not legal
and I'm not dumb

I was scared and alone
is that what the homeless felt like?
I saw so many people walk by
no one with good intentions stopped
I didn't look homeless, I know that
kids stopped to stare at me and they'd tug on their parents clothes
...they kept walking

I had to reach out to my exboyfriend
I had to get him to meet with me again
He liked the packed streets of downtown
it's where he belongs
with that stupid skateboard he's left me for so many times
but it's his passion, I understand
He was in his nature, I was lost

"Meet up with me please, I'm scared
I don't know where I am"

I started walking
     I had to ***
          He found me

But it wasn't him anymore

He
Was
So
Cold

he screamed
"why did you leave me?"

i fell again, the same wounds
they opened up.
took pieces of me away
took me away
took away my mask,
the happiness everyone was used to  
the smile faded

my body is a vessel that can't handle my emotions no longer
they spill out of me
my eyes- tears fall
my fingertips- i hold on too strong or not at all
my lips- chapped
my hugs- full of something.. longing
my emotions are showing in everything i do
i can't stop

i am exposed
i am raw to the bone

every feeling that touches me makes me fall
every comforting word makes me doubt
every hand to hold lets go

no one to turn to
no one understands
no ones comfort is enough anymore

even when i reach out
even when i try to get help
there's always something else
sorry i can't talk to you right now, i'm high as ****

the people i thought i could rely on, i can't
the people i love, don't get it
the people that have been there from the start- everybody's too consumed in their own lives
who am i to disturb them?

all i feel is pain
all i feel is the ghostly lips of the past on my forehead
..telling me to let go
all i feel is negativity

i'm too far gone
too far in
too late

sleep doesn't heal me anymore
drugs are no good

everything good that has been in my life
the good i've built for myself
has been spread upon the skin of others
has been left in the places i can no longer go
the places that hold my secrets
the places i left my feelings with

i'm emotionally raw
vulnerable
and i just want to be relieved

i've been strong
i'm tired of fighting

I have spread myself upon you,
And I want the parts of me I have released to come back
To make me feel whole

They say some people just click
But how do we unclick?

Do we grow so big, we break the interlocked piece that's connected to us?
Or do we shrink and let that piece go and click with another?

Why don't we just stay interlocked, unwavering and fastened together?

not really a poem idk*

His arms or yours
His mouth or yours
His bed or yours
His heart or yours

The thing is with him it doesn't feel right
I know it could, but I'm not ready
I'm not ready to be with someone just yet

He doesn't hurt.  I think it's weird.  I don't want someone that's going to ignore their feelings.. I don't want someone that isn't able to show me love

I don't want to be with someone where he can't commit.  I trust him, I do. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him.

-

You, my old love
I miss you, I really do
Sometimes I lie down in bed and imagine you next to me, but then you disappear
I remember then that you're not mine anymore, the boy I've came to love is gone.  
I'm not willing to give you another chance either

You're curled up in bed by yourself, then there's that girl that you let use you. I don't know why, I thought you were better than that

-

The old us
We were great, we were amazing. But then life got in the way.  I loved you so much. I would do anything for you.  As much as I miss you I'm moving on too.. And leaving you behind.
You're always going to be with me.  In the way I talk, in the way I kiss, in the way I hold hands, in the way I cuddle, in the way I curl my arms around another boy.. You're always going to be here with me. You taught me so much.

-  

As I'm lying in bed with him I start to cry.  He says to let it out, to cry.  He hugs me and comforts me.  As much as it feels wrong it does feel right...? I like him but I'm not ready for anything more

He's sweet to me and I'm sweet to him
He respects me, I respect him
He's there for me and I'm there for him

The way he kisses is different, not wrong
Just different from the way we used to kiss..

I'm torn I don't know what's best for me

So I'm going to keep my distance from these two until I'm sure what I want

I don't want to get under a boy to get over you.
I'm better than that and I'm strong
All I want is to be happy
When I am, I'll be back
And stronger than ever

goodnight, goodbye
i'm leaving, i have already
i get stuck sometimes.. in my thoughts of you
i get lost again, and i cry and cry
it gets better- i stop

i know that the past has passed and there's nothing i can do
i miss you, i really do.
but
so many other people are out there
other boys can strike a chord in me
today i held another boys hand and felt him start to sweat
(wow. i can still make boys nervous?)
his hands were soft; opposite yours
all i knew of him was his name and his face
but i thought of the what ifs...
what if???

longing, i long for your affection but i shouldn't
you are not for me, you gave up
i'm not going to settle for a man that gives up and doesn't think i'm worth it
i'm moving forward and i'm dealing with my feelings

(you called me just now.... what a coincidence
then you hung up after 5 seconds, okay)

i hope one day you look back and regret it
but for now i repeat these three things in my head for when i start to miss you:
1. he gave up on me, it's not worth it
2. there's millions of other potatoes out there
3. it can only get better from here
i still wish it was you though

heavy eyes, with a heavier heart
i'll find someone to share my love with eventually
someone that wont throw away all my efforts
someone that wont leave me stranded downtown
someone that will love me for all my faults
someone i can talk to
i'm going to find you
who knows when
we'll find each other

you can't choose when you want me
you don't need me
you're the one who broke me,
why do I go out of my way to make sure you're okay?
you're happy, I don't know how to be
you have people that you can rely on
I'm alone
I always have to reach out
I don't like to talk about my feelings

"I think we should break up"
Please; not over over the phone
10 months, 5 of love, 5 of hate
I hate you
You tore me into pieces and you left
You picked at my insecurities, my hurt, and left
you were my happy
I don't know how to let go
You said if it's meant to be, it'll happen
You don't hurt someone you love then return
I want love not lust
You have the nerve
Is a ****** object what I've been degraded too?

what now...
"toughen up and live my life"
we don't need each other anymore
but
how do I let go
I have so much rage inside
and some love
I can't let go,
Not yet

You sir are a piece of-
****, gunk, ****, ****

How do I love you to the point where all you do is hurt me and I still care?

How do you have it in you to hurt me when I'm always there?

How do you disrespect my wishes?
How do you do that?
We're not together anymore but you prey on my insecurities
...even more than before

I don't want you to know you still have my heart,
You sir... I want to tear you apart

I don't see how you could leave me
So easily
like I was nothing

I don't see how you still manage to smile and be happy

I'm leaving you, not like you left me
you still want me to yourself, but you won't commit

I'm leaving.  
I'm not settling.

You party, you drink, you smoke, you almost hook up with other girls
*I still find it funny how your definition of fun is only when you're
under
the influence

Your fingers on your guitar strings,
Plays a song deep within me
Watching you play makes my heart ache for you
There's a missing piece of me, your spot
Where your supposed to be.
I love you, I still do
You tell me not to wait but you're my baby
you were my baby

Who are you now?
I don't know you
You look the same, you feel the same, you smell the same
But you're not the same
You're not the boy I fell in love with
My heart hurts, I want to hold on
I want to love you, I want you to love me
But I want you to want it
I'm not going to force you to love me
I'm not going to play silly games in efforts to swoon you

I want you, I don't need you
I cry for you every night, every couple of hours actually
You're still playing, it's been ten minutes

Now you're playing say it ain't so by Weezer
No
You can't do this, you're playing with my heartstrings

Strings
You're great at playing with

I had you in the palm of my hand
I held on too tight.. I guess
I never wanted you to go, I just wanted you stay

I...
I crushed you
I let you crumble, but you were still in my hand
I still had you

Then
I let you slip away
Slipped through the cracks..

Through my fingertips,
You fell
I tried to pick you up
But I only got pieces and particles

I'm sorry I let you crumble
It's my turn now,
So far
no one's tried to pick up my pieces

so deeply
I fell for you

I am on the ground now
You caught me, then dropped me

My love..

Who- everything
What- happiness
Where- in my head, under my skin
When- always
Why- magic

How..
How did this happen?
How did we come down to this?

You walk away from me like I have meant so little to you and it pains me
All I wanted was you

Me
I am on the ground
I don't feel a need to get up
I don't feel a need to redeem myself

I am broken
I am dust
I am nothing special
I am gone

I close my eyes and I don't see things the same anymore
Not in my head, in my head there's you.
What I wanted of us
Then a tear escapes
I let the dream leave me
And I sleep

I wake and the first thing on my mind is you
Happiness, love, you, I crave
Then a tear,
Then an ocean,
Then the need to sleep again

I just want to sleep
No more tears.
No more broken dreams

4:59 am
Opened my eyes, reached for my phone..
...

no
another girl. ***. ****. alcohol. no strings.
your ideal

Baby, why?
(You're not my baby)

You're a monster
YOU TORE ME TO PIECES, I STILL LOVE YOU
I'M NOT OKAY

How could you do this to me?
It will never be okay.

Ultimately honey
You're going to regret it

*goodbye I'm not here for you anymore

you make decisions without a second thought
you break promises without any remorse
took all of what I had to offer
you took it all, you came back, and i still give

I love(d) you with all of my heart
I've been used
you're unsure of your feelings but I'm still here
You have no one to comfort you, no one you feel that cares

So you come back

You came back, but for what?
To hurt me again, to make sure of your feelings?  
You always change your mind.

I refuse to settle for someone that doesn't see my worth
if you can't respect me anymore, if all you have to do is hurt the only person that cares then goodbye.

*make up your mind

When I was with you
I couldn't speak
I couldn't open up

When you left, I learned
I learnt how to share
I learnt how to speak
I learnt how to express myself

It's what I thought would keep you around,
It would make you stay
Unfortunately it wasn't

But yet I'm still here expressing myself and I wonder why some people have such a hard time doing so

You see
I applaud you, you stayed with me that long
Even with my inability to communicate my feelings, my desires, everything.
You we're everything to me

I fell for you,
I fell into you
I got stuck and you left me

-

Here I am now
I'm with another boy
I adore him, I do
But he can't communicate

As much as I want him to speak
he won't, he can't
He's not good at it

I'm just learning how to open up, and it's hard
I don't know how to coax him out
I don't know if he's worth the trouble
I wasn't worth the trouble, even when I did learn
there's always someone better

I don't know what to do
I feel helpless
I don't need this,
I've found myself a new home, in my insecurities

But I understand, I do
And I don't give up
It's not what I'm good at

I fight and I make it through
You will too
Please fight
Don't leave

Once again we've shut each other out
After letting each other back in

Playing tag with our emotions
First to express their longing loses

4 months of this game
We add more pieces
We add more people
They don't know they're in our game
We avoid them when together

You chose a piece over a player
You ruined the game

Game over

Too late
to try again
time has done it's work
distanced our old selves from who we are now

Somewhere we're still together, in a different dimension I like to think

We admitted that there will always be something
I hope I'm that girl you look back on and regret- regret letting me slip through your fingertips

We say maybe ten years from now we will bump into eachother
and start over

I like to believe so
You believe in that thought so strongly
that time will fix things, it will make us right for each other once again

I think... You gave up on me
And you will do it again

Ten years from now I hope to bump into you
And you'll see that you let me go, you'll see that you should've fought
Because I don't think I could take you back

I used to fall so deeply into those eyes
I'd get lost and I didn't mind
We connected, and there was nothing that could've come between us
From the first time we gazed into each others eyes
We knew. We had something special

Those eyes made me crumble
From the first time you said hello
to when you said goodbye

Those eyes, I gazed into them last night
And I felt a pang of nostalgia
And I felt the muted emotions that weren't allowed to be stated
We knew, there will always be something there
Those eyes gaze upon another, as do mine

But my eyes, they belong to you
Yours belong to me

You always have a home in me

His hands are smooth, clammy
Callusses from playing the guitar
He can also play with strings
He has scars on his hands that tell stories
His hair isn't thick, isn't filled with goop
He wears baseball hats, pretty cute
His favorite color's navy blue
He's tall
And nice
And sweet
And everything in between
I'm falling, I don't know what to do

We sat down in a cafe
Had a lemon cheese danish

He got bit- twice
By birds at the pet store

He loves Lego

I don't know what's going on inside my head
Do I like him?
I like what he has the potential to be.
... Anything

He believes in God
He doesn't laugh when I tell him about Him

We went all he way to Kipling station
Me on his shoulder, with his music blaring
I love his music, I like how he shares
I like how he opens up to me
I like how I feel safe

I like how he's quiet
I like his friends
I like him

He wanted to drop me home
But I refused
"Don't.. You have to use another bus ticket!"
"I'm not good with goodbyes on the bus!"
A handshake was our goodbye
We haven't even hugged
And that's good, it's slow, safe

I didn't know what was stopping me from talking to you..
But I grew a pair, so did you
And we just got along

He has a good heart
He's a great guy
But I'm scared I'm going to hurt him
Apparently I always do the hurting

But all I see in my head is the back of his body running for the train- running to get the last seat so we can look out the window
All I see is someone with potential

But for now these feelings are unrequited and will stay that way

"One day baby, we'll never have to leave each other"
That was a lie

"You're the only one I want, we'll get though this"
We didn't start to try

"One day- "
Shh...

I don't want to forget how to love
It's not fair for those who care
I've lost myself, it started with love
Love didn't turn me bitter and cold
Living in my head has
Stuck in the past and the future
I've caused more grief for myself than you ever did
I'm missing the present
I don't want to be shrouded in resentment and misery
        I don't want to be defined as "sad"
I need to let go of the hurt and pain.
I need to embrace the heartache
My hurt heart only means that loves still survives..
I'm still capable to love,
this is why I feel pain

One day the love I've given will return to me again
One day someone will reciprocate the same amount of love I'm capable of
Who? I don't know
But one day I'll find someone who loves me for me
and won't give up
One day I'll be able to say the same loving words that's been said to me
and I won't hurt anybody

One day I'll be happy
One day you'll just be a memory
and a lesson
Thank you

One day you'll find someone too
I love you

what I had of you
what you were to me
what I wish wasn't true
You're dead  

you no longer live with me
you no longer live within me
I don't know where you went

I wanted you to come back
You did
Did you take away what was left of you,
What was with me?
You took it away from me
You took you away

You removed yourself from me
And I finally let you go

My heart aches for you
But I will not beg

You loved me, you love me
but you left, it's okay

goodbye
I don't wish to see you
The only place I long for you is in my dreams

I want to leave this planet
I want to enter a realm of peace
I want to be saved- from myself, these thoughts, 5 years of this and I'm tired of it
I want to give up

I would call myself beautiful.
I was beautiful.

I had sleek, long, straight hair,
black that faded to brown
I wore my hair usually in waves straight was boring
Pretty hair, people would say

My eyes
They're brown, I wouldn't call them dull
Pretty eyes, people would say

My eyelashes
My favorite
Long. but straight
I curled them, if I didn't it was still okay

now

My hair..
I chopped it off.  
6 months ago, it's almost at my behind again
Dyed it dark brown with a twinge of red
Never in waves anymore, I don't have the time
I don't need to look pretty for anyone but myself
pretty hair people still say

My eyes
Still brown, not dull
A little bit red, the tired shows
don't cry, pretty eyes
It's not worth it

Lashes
straight
no effort in a curl
I can't curl them if I'm going to be crying
right?

I look in the mirror but I don't feel beautiful anymore.

I look inside myself and I wish people could see that.  
My words, hopes, dreams, morals, me.  

I wish I could be inside out...
I wish you could see what you've done to my insides.

*from beautiful on the outside, to the insides, to not wanting to feel anything anymore

Eventually,
You'll be aching
When you do
I'll be here,
Already over the pain
Not necessarily you

I hate you

"You don't hate him, you hate what he did to you"
My anger fills me to the brim
I'm not sure how or why
I don't remember
I feel at peace for a few hours
The next, I want to punch your face

I hate you

You're going to hurt, I hope you do
I'm sorry,
   ***** you
I don't need someone that doesn't need me
I don't need someone that can give up on me
Its not your fault entirely
I didn't love myself first,
I'm sorry