not really a poem idk*

His arms or yours
His mouth or yours
His bed or yours
His heart or yours

The thing is with him it doesn't feel right
I know it could, but I'm not ready
I'm not ready to be with someone just yet

He doesn't hurt.  I think it's weird.  I don't want someone that's going to ignore their feelings.. I don't want someone that isn't able to show me love

I don't want to be with someone where he can't commit.  I trust him, I do. I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I don't want to hurt him.

-

You, my old love
I miss you, I really do
Sometimes I lie down in bed and imagine you next to me, but then you disappear
I remember then that you're not mine anymore, the boy I've came to love is gone.  
I'm not willing to give you another chance either

You're curled up in bed by yourself, then there's that girl that you let use you. I don't know why, I thought you were better than that

-

The old us
We were great, we were amazing. But then life got in the way.  I loved you so much. I would do anything for you.  As much as I miss you I'm moving on too.. And leaving you behind.
You're always going to be with me.  In the way I talk, in the way I kiss, in the way I hold hands, in the way I cuddle, in the way I curl my arms around another boy.. You're always going to be here with me. You taught me so much.

-  

As I'm lying in bed with him I start to cry.  He says to let it out, to cry.  He hugs me and comforts me.  As much as it feels wrong it does feel right...? I like him but I'm not ready for anything more

He's sweet to me and I'm sweet to him
He respects me, I respect him
He's there for me and I'm there for him

The way he kisses is different, not wrong
Just different from the way we used to kiss..

I'm torn I don't know what's best for me

So I'm going to keep my distance from these two until I'm sure what I want

I don't want to get under a boy to get over you.
I'm better than that and I'm strong
All I want is to be happy
When I am, I'll be back
And stronger than ever

His hands are smooth, clammy
Callusses from playing the guitar
He can also play with strings
He has scars on his hands that tell stories
His hair isn't thick, isn't filled with goop
He wears baseball hats, pretty cute
His favorite color's navy blue
He's tall
And nice
And sweet
And everything in between
I'm falling, I don't know what to do

We sat down in a cafe
Had a lemon cheese danish

He got bit- twice
By birds at the pet store

He loves Lego

I don't know what's going on inside my head
Do I like him?
I like what he has the potential to be.
... Anything

He believes in God
He doesn't laugh when I tell him about Him

We went all he way to Kipling station
Me on his shoulder, with his music blaring
I love his music, I like how he shares
I like how he opens up to me
I like how I feel safe

I like how he's quiet
I like his friends
I like him

He wanted to drop me home
But I refused
"Don't.. You have to use another bus ticket!"
"I'm not good with goodbyes on the bus!"
A handshake was our goodbye
We haven't even hugged
And that's good, it's slow, safe

I didn't know what was stopping me from talking to you..
But I grew a pair, so did you
And we just got along

He has a good heart
He's a great guy
But I'm scared I'm going to hurt him
Apparently I always do the hurting

But all I see in my head is the back of his body running for the train- running to get the last seat so we can look out the window
All I see is someone with potential

But for now these feelings are unrequited and will stay that way

so deeply
I fell for you

I am on the ground now
You caught me, then dropped me

My love..

Who- everything
What- happiness
Where- in my head, under my skin
When- always
Why- magic

How..
How did this happen?
How did we come down to this?

You walk away from me like I have meant so little to you and it pains me
All I wanted was you

Me
I am on the ground
I don't feel a need to get up
I don't feel a need to redeem myself

I am broken
I am dust
I am nothing special
I am gone

I close my eyes and I don't see things the same anymore
Not in my head, in my head there's you.
What I wanted of us
Then a tear escapes
I let the dream leave me
And I sleep

I wake and the first thing on my mind is you
Happiness, love, you, I crave
Then a tear,
Then an ocean,
Then the need to sleep again

I just want to sleep
No more tears.
No more broken dreams

today you asked me if i had a lighter
sorry, not in this jacket
i was never able to get you to let go of your cigarettes
you tried though, you got to 52 days! (or 54)
but that's fine, it's just a bad habit
i understand

but me
i don't know if i should consider these bad habits
not bad unless i act on them

whenever i see you i want to run into your arms
i want to kiss you, i want to make you smile, laugh
but i can't
i quit those habits,
you made me quit

we caught the same bus on the way to school
you sat right in front of me
started fixing your hat...
no, let me do it
i wanted so bad to reach out and fix it for you,
i know i couldn't.
i had to keep my fingers busy so i wouldn't reach out and help
tears came to my eyes, i wanted so badly to help, but you don't want me
then there was your hood!
lopsided, wrinkled, it wasn't right
i had to fix it, i didn't
these habits, i have to quit

we were in class
you sat in front of me again
then moved beside a friend
i turned around
i looked at your hair
oh no, i had to fix it
it was so messy
so... weird
so... different
so long
let
me
fix
it

i can't give it up
these habits came along 11 months ago
how do i quit something like this
how do i quit showing my love

soon enough maybe someone will come along and catch the same habits
buttoning your jackets, shirts, pants, fixing your hair, fixing your hood, hats, fixing your trucks on your skateboard, fixing your rough hands, fixing your nasty elbows, massaging you, someone will fix you.

i couldn't fix you as much as i tried,
i can't fix myself either.
but that's what was good about us, we were both messy and broken and we still kept on loving each other

*then you left

I had you in the palm of my hand
I held on too tight.. I guess
I never wanted you to go, I just wanted you stay

I...
I crushed you
I let you crumble, but you were still in my hand
I still had you

Then
I let you slip away
Slipped through the cracks..

Through my fingertips,
You fell
I tried to pick you up
But I only got pieces and particles

I'm sorry I let you crumble
It's my turn now,
So far
no one's tried to pick up my pieces

what I had of you
what you were to me
what I wish wasn't true
You're dead  

you no longer live with me
you no longer live within me
I don't know where you went

I wanted you to come back
You did
Did you take away what was left of you,
What was with me?
You took it away from me
You took you away

You removed yourself from me
And I finally let you go

My heart aches for you
But I will not beg

You loved me, you love me
but you left, it's okay

goodbye
I don't wish to see you
The only place I long for you is in my dreams

I want to leave this planet
I want to enter a realm of peace
I want to be saved- from myself, these thoughts, 5 years of this and I'm tired of it
I want to give up

I would call myself beautiful.
I was beautiful.

I had sleek, long, straight hair,
black that faded to brown
I wore my hair usually in waves straight was boring
Pretty hair, people would say

My eyes
They're brown, I wouldn't call them dull
Pretty eyes, people would say

My eyelashes
My favorite
Long. but straight
I curled them, if I didn't it was still okay

now

My hair..
I chopped it off.  
6 months ago, it's almost at my behind again
Dyed it dark brown with a twinge of red
Never in waves anymore, I don't have the time
I don't need to look pretty for anyone but myself
pretty hair people still say

My eyes
Still brown, not dull
A little bit red, the tired shows
don't cry, pretty eyes
It's not worth it

Lashes
straight
no effort in a curl
I can't curl them if I'm going to be crying
right?

I look in the mirror but I don't feel beautiful anymore.

I look inside myself and I wish people could see that.  
My words, hopes, dreams, morals, me.  

I wish I could be inside out...
I wish you could see what you've done to my insides.

*from beautiful on the outside, to the insides, to not wanting to feel anything anymore