i always knew you thought it .

you expect too much.
he doesn’t wanna do anything
you expect me to do something

i’m sorry that i’m not ******* good enough for you.
i’m sorry that i don’t want them to touch my ******* things.
i’m sorry for having boundaries????

oh  i am meant to die soon   i see nothing  for my future

isnt it ironic how,,

not even a year after you said that,,


you've already left me


and i don't know who you are anymore.

how it feels to hurt hurt hurt

until
i can’t

hurt anymore

and all i feel
is dread and emptiness

just how much longer can i take this

i wish i could rip out all of my organs and die truly empty

to the mother who left me behind after attempting suicide in an attempt to escape from this abusive household.

i thought we had something.
i thought you cared.
i thought i had you.

then-

you drifted away.

you fell out of my arms.

and i lost you.


i lost you forever.

you did this to yourself

you caused the drama.



i was just the one to stop it.

i say i’m not hungry during the day

to only feed myself so much to the point where i feel sick late at night

i try stopping but the demon keeps saying “keep eating.”

i try eating during the day,

it’s like it flipped a switch

because then the demon says “stop eating you ******”

so who do i believe?


i believe whoever is there at the time

maybe ill **** myself over it
maybe itll make me cut myself again.
i dunno man


maybe you should stop 'lil guy.

y'know.

i might go bye-bye because of you.

include you,

your smile,

your kisses,

everything.


and then it all went away when you showed your true side.

the feeling of the blade in my hand was too familiar

i believe i have it but im no professional and im not self diagnosing because i will be told that im attention seeking

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

just.. tell me to leave you alone.

get it all out until you feel better

and peer up and realise you’ve broken me again

you shattered my already shattered pieces

it’s dust floating away

and all i can do is scoop it up and hope that i can rebuild

i believe every lie you tell me

i force myself to believe every lie that you tell me

so that i dont have to believe in what's true

i believe in every lie so it doesn't hurt me


but now i cant tell if youre taking advantage of that.


are you?

you take away everything that makes me happy

im happy, right?
if im happy, why does it hurt so much?
.
.
.

:)

maybe you dont love me back'

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

well if you’re gonna act that way,

reduce reuse recycle *****

i cant tell if im mad or, jealous, or maybe even something else.


you dont tell me anything.

you dont let me do anything.

if i killed myself,

i'd regret leaving you.

if you killed yourself,

i'd regret not helping.

but you dont let me help

you trust other people with your emotions.

not even me,
.
.
a friend of 8 years.

i know


im a *****.


but.


its like im not in your life anymore

you wrecked my room again

you called me names again


you’ve abused u s again.

we’ve woken up late,

so what? we’re just kids.

you’re blaming everything on us

“you’re stressing me out”

“you’re not listening to me”

“you guys are so ******* dumb”

“******* kids”

if you didn’t want us, why didn’t you tell mom to abort us?

much easier to make me ******* suicidal

i forgot what i was going to write

maybe i’ll take a picture for her.

invite her down, maybe later.

just to see her pretty face,

kind heart.

in a picture with me.

sorry.
im so sorry.
im sorry.
im so sorry.
so.
so.
sorry.

smile. your feelings dont matter.
just fake it.
just agree with him.
tell him what he wants to hear.
suppress your emotions.
stop the ptsd.
oh- wait.
its fake,
according to him, it's all fake.
no worries.
i dont need a therapist.
after all,
it's all ******* fake.
my feelings,
depression,
anxiety,
insomnia,
anorexia,
ptsd,
panic attacks,
they're all
fake!
i've had 3 panic attacks.
so what?
f a k e
they're fake right?
why then?
why can't i feel anything?
why does it hurt so badly?

i thought my mom and my happiness was enough, turns out you want more

i don’t think i care anymore

was i ever enough for you?

or was i just part of your play?

for you to wreck and destroy,


to tell everyone that i’m the villain?

your voice, it must be cute

just like your lil fluffy hair

cute little cheeks

pretty nose

beautiful lips.


i..

but thats alright

these feelings are meaningless

they're just lies

but everytime I see you with her disgusting face where you always coo and cuddle

I want to throw up and I want to cry,

what ever happened to my bestest friend?

you chose her over me but that's alright I just wish you had more time for me and him

because she is not the highlight of your life and you are not seeing what she has done to you

I am your friend and I cannot lie when I say

I don't like her.

*******

'cause i know you were just playing me,

but it hurts.

to a wonderland that doesnt exist.

until my ***** bursts  i

"i swear shes not replacing you. she was just there for me when you had your online relationships"



no. she's replacing me.

she's replacing all of us.


you're just letting it happen.


i'll find someone else since it seems like you don't need me anymore.

but you my friend are the highlight of my life,,

that spark of joy that makes me keep going

so until you stop berating yourself with these awful words

I don't know what to do other than just die

i was at school,
talking with my friends
during lunch break.
i asked if he wanted to
write a poem, so i could post it.
he agreed, ("Life is a Lie" was the name)
i read the poem, snickering,
i told him,
"this is the type of stuff that gets on trending"
he laughed,
and i offers my other friend
to write a poem (Why me)
i read it, also snickering.
i looked at the time,
rushing to put away my things and
posting the poems,
i guess you could say,
i'm the friend who sticks
out of the circle,
the friend who's the
odd one and
doesn't fit in.
yes, i have more friends,
but i'm not included,
i'm not like them.

someone told me that i was a
l o n e r

i'm sorry that i don't have many friends
i wish they cared
but there's always someone taking them away from me.