I’ve arrived.
I miss you Lizzie <3
See you tomorrow.
It’s a bit late. 9pm already.
I feel a bit jet lagged.
Hopefully I’ll see you tomorrow Lizzie

I’m boarding the flight to home.

See you in 18 hours and 45 minutes

I think about how you're doing.

I think about you in general,

I think about the possibilities.

Could I hang onto you like a koala because you're so **** tall?

What if I hugged you? Would my head reach your neck?

What if I slipped under your hoodie and hugged you?

Could I sit on your shoulders like a toddler?

I wanna hold your hand, could I hold your hand?

today is the day to celebrate love

and yet my love
is not here
or making the effort
to celebrate

i look and look and look
and everyone else
takes time out of their day
to celebrate their love


and i
beg and beg
and beg
only for
nothing to
happen.

i found you.

after searching for what felt like forever.

found you.

haha.

hate me now

i dare you.

if i die then i won’t have to deal with all of this hullshit and pain and stupidity and eveufjjgn i need to be gone now!!!!!!!!! then they will all realize they ****** up and are stupid

i live for you

i love for you

I love you, right?
heart, i love them, right..?
you would let me love, right??
please.
tell me what love feels like.
show me what love feels like.
i love him, right?
i love her, right?

it just doesnt feel right.

it just doesnt feel like love.

they say i’m slowly killing myself :)

I have no idea where the **** I am.


I've been walking around for hours and mom hasn't found me yet.

No one has.

i mean,

i cant hear her name, right?

why the hell does it trigger a panic attack then??

anything that associated with her,

even the smallest thing,

triggers a panic attack.

so,

im sorry.

i killed the mood.

you just reminded me of her,

and triggered a panic attack.

i make everything for them just to get nothing

is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

we had just watched a bullet pass though and **** a soldier.
my friend is saying “i can’t do this”
while laughing because she can’t handle it.
we joke around but it’s nothing.


it’s nothing

"i loved you"
to me?

"love you"
to her



i-

i might cry?

i ******* knew it

why is it such a surprise

you dont love me!

even if its a month or two,

or even longer.

if my feelings stay,

you bet your *** im waiting for as long as it takes

yet im not growing.

being forced to eat ****

you dont like me. i know

my body doesnt trust you.
it doesnt know when you're gonna feed it again.
it thinks that you wont feed it.

so-

Life is a lie,
we will all die.
Society is a fiction,
we will all die.
Ambition is a curse,
we will all die.
Depression is a *****,
it should suffer.

my scars run
from my wrist
to my forearm.
you might ask yourself,
"what has made her done this
to   h e r s e l f  ?"
simple.
i
couldn't
take
it
anymore

no one stopped me when
i wanted to end it
no one stopped me when
that knife marked my skin
no one stopped me when
i cried and cried.

no

one

stopped

me

from

breaking.

now i am very broken
now i want to tell people my story
on how i snapped
i left the online world
all my online friends
had believed i had
killed myself.
i came back, and
they were worried
"are you okay?"
"what happened?"
"where were you?"

i
dont
know

4
people
that
i
personally
know

that i
have been
constantly breaking
and they are trying
to get me help.

now i am waiting for a therapist.
i am writing down my dates.

i have been cut free for 1 week.
i have cut 3 times since i was told to get a therapist
by the people who care.

february 23, 2019

april 24, 2019

may 13, 2019.

not really

when good things come, they don’t last.
i don’t deserve good things,
the world has shown me that multiple times.

i just cried for 15 minutes
i don’t feel anything but pain
it hurts so much
i just wanna ******* end it
i just wanna die

it’s been 30 minutes now
over the past 30 minutes
i’ve been thinking of ways to **** my self without making a noise

what does it feel like to be home?

i no longer want to live

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

the voices get stronger and stronger
as I stumble away I need your help
I cry but no one is awake

I keep going through this routine as I wonder

am I even worth it?



THE VOICES IN MY HEAD GET STRONGER EVERY DAY THEY WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND MY THOUGHTS AND

now they're all I can hear, even when the pin drops.

i don’t think i’m meant to be here for this long

my heart is failing me

i feel like i'm going to rip out all my hair
i feel like i'm going to cave in my skull
i feel like i'm going to have a 3 hour panic attack
i feel like i'm going to punch my chest til my heart gets punctured.
i feel like i'm going to **** someone
i feel like i'm going to accidentally hurt you.


i feel like i'm going to die.

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

do you hate me?
do you truly love me or are you just saying it to make me feel better?
are you sure you love me?
do you like me?
do you think i’m as pretty as the other girls?

why do you love me.

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

for wanting my things to be left alone
for wanting to be equal
for not wanting to worry about my stuff being stolen every time i am away

for being me