“still not home”

dads not home yet.
he probably passed out at some ***** house again.

i should start cooking for lunch.

yep.

i’ll go get groceries first,

then i’ll cook food


and hopefully he’s back by then..

dads not home yet.
i have to clean the house still.

then i need to get groceries.
and wash the car.

i’m tired

but i shouldn’t be sleeping.

the house needs to be clean first

why can’t you go one day without making me feel suicidal?

i didn’t do anything to you

just admit it already

you hate me

you wish i was dead.

just tell me that already.

the best,
this is your best?!

you being abusive
you drinking every night
this is your best

this is why

you never taught me anything

you taught me curse words

insults

you taught me that i-
me
a child
that my opinion never matters
i only tell people what they want to hear
that i don’t matter
i’m a ******* *****.

a
*******
*****
,
you said to me
when i was still in a car seat

in the back seat

of the white suv you had
when i was in 1st grade.

and yet,
i thought this was normal
i had convinced myself

“this is how you show love”
“he loves me”
“he loves me with all his heart”

do you know how much that breaks a child?!

now i have to wipe my tears

put on a fake smile

and act like i’m okay again

i’m fine

im fine

i’m the best i could be.

i’m just a lil bit tired

i say pulling down my sleeves a bit further,

"im fine,"

my father,
surprised that i even had the guts to raise my voice.

"i'm FINE!"

he pushes me against the wall.
he looks at me with hatred,

yet i smile.

"what're you gonna do?"
"**** me?"

pushing me against the wall again out of anger

"**** me?"

shoving me into the wall,
hands on my neck.

"try me"

my friend walks in.
my father lets go.
my cold body falls onto the floor

"i knew you couldnt do it"

i whispered under my breath

'i know your ***** little secrets;

like you cutting yourself'

he whispers into my ear

i flinch

'this is why your ******* mother left us'

he shouts at me.
my friend shoves him away,
and he runs.

im all alone now
i have no family left
and i dont wanna move to canada.

Home.
I'm home.
Back with the
abusive,
alcoholic,
father.

Hopefully,
he'll be a bit nicer nowadays.

Just
Because
I
Have
Friends
Over.

If you guys hear shouting,

It's normal.

discouraged.
i don’t wanna be here anymore.
like dude.
what the hell.
why’d you slap my face??
i just-
wanted some.

then you ate-
all of it?

smash me against someone else.

it’s about you.

i can’t say anything because i don’t wanna hurt you.
i can’t say anything because i don’t want you to shut down on me again.



i’m so sorry.

i found someone, right?
i dont believe it.
i cant believe it.
the fact that she "loves me"
i simply dont believe it.

i cannot believe it.

past experiences.

forced relationships.

being blamed for breaking ones heart.

as i was forced into being with them.

"its a favour"
he said.

before he pushed me towards his FIANCEE.

he told me to date his FIANCEE.

he forced me to ask out his FIANCEE.

and so i did.

afraid of getting hurt.

you know who you are, thomas.

you know who you are.

please just,

apologize.

you know,

i found someone now.

and i cant ******* accept it.

because you,

forced me into a relationship.

after that,

after primal forced me to be with him too.

i

stopped

loving.

alice,

just break up with me.

be with hailey.

i know you dont love me.

"alone"

for the past few days,
i have isolated myself,
in a room.

with my friends having fun outside.

i dont know what to do.

this cant be happening

i cant be falling for her again.

****.

no no no no no no no.

she likes her.

so

ill stop.

just like how i forced my feelings for you out of my heart.

"No."

I ran into my friends.
Baggage in hands.
I don’t like this feelings.

I was going back to Lizzie and Matt.
And I found my old friends.
Those who I went to school with
back in Australia.

Panic attack.

I ran away.

"Even if it's fake."

"Bored"


I can't sleep.
I don't know where Liz is.
I don't know where Matt is.

I have nothing to do.

We walked around to see what we could do in a few days,
Moscow is a really nice place.
It was a bit cold,
but that's okay,
Weather is a thing

I've landed.
A few minutes ago, actually.
My other friend, Matt is here.

We're taking another trip together.

Hopefully, we can go to Australia soon!

I'm now boarding the flight to Moscow, Russia.

See you in 2hours and 10 minutes.

"Sick"

I feel a bit sick after packing my bags.

Hopefully, I'll feel better by the time I get to Moscow..

oops.

relapse?


i cut myself again.

i promised not to.

it felt right


i couldnt handle it anymore.

its on my thigh this time.

"Relapse"

I don't know how I got here.

I found a razor.

My arm is bleeding.


The end.

Crying.
Crying my eyes out.

A depression has somehow hit,

I took my medicine today,
I should be fine!
Right?

I was supposed to be as happy as ever-

And I broke down.

I don't wanna wake Liz or Tio.

So. I ran outside,
Sweatshirt and shorts on.

It's raining.

It's cold.

I just-

Stood there.

Crying.

Crying my eyes out.

I should see if I have any makeup in my bag.

I don't need eye bags today.

I was gonna go out today,

With Lizzie.

I'm still in the rain.
The rain is pouring ******* me.

The wind,

Pushing me to the side.


I'm wondering,
if I should go back to Australia.
To visit my-
p a r e n t s .

I should go back.

I should go back soon.

Oh, right.

I'm still outside in the rain.

I forgot.

-

I walked back in,
pulling down my sleeves as I remembered something

Nothing Important.

Just-

A few ups and downs.

I have to change my clothes.

Again.

-Good night-

Good morning.

I don't know what to write about this morning.

I went and bought some more cake and coffee.

That's it.


That's all.

Have a nice day.

Good morning!
I didn't sleep at all last night,
it was hard to sleep.
I just lay there sleeplessly 'til the sun rose.

I took a walk this morning,
It's always good to exercise in the morning,
It helps me wake up.

I had fruit for breakfast.
Why?
I dunno,
Why not?

I couldn’t sleep today, unfortunately,
I was eating ice cream a few hours ago with Lizzie but she fell asleep.

It might be the insomnia again,
I don’t know.

We had some chocolate ice cream.
It was really good.

Maybe I’ll try to go to bed soon.

Night

'Morning.

I was listening to music last night.
I couldn't help it.
I told him that I'd stop listening to depressing music.
"Hey, Little Girl" - sophiemarie.b
"summer depression" - girl in red
Maybe this is just the music I enjoy.

I wonder when Liz will wake up.
Maybe she's awake.
I have no idea,
I didn't stay inside this morning,
I decided to walk around and buy some groceries.
I'm pretty sure Liz and Tio need some food haha.

I'm looking around for any grocery stores.
Maybe I should've waited.
I'm not good at finding places.

Aha!
I found a local cafe.
It looks nice.

I ordered a coffee and some cake.
I wonder if it tastes good.
I've never had this before,
I normally don't wake up this early and get food.
Normally I'd still be sleeping.

Wonderful.
The coffee and cake was wonderful,
Delicious.


Maybe I'll ask Liz and Tio to come with me next time.
In the afternoon maybe.
I'm sure they'd want to stay inside for the morning.

Adjö.

Good morning!
Lizzie’s staring at her phone, sitting in the corner.
I jumped on her!
She got mad and now I’m not allowed in her room.

I’m a bit tired.
What if I start drinking again?
I don’t think I wanna do this again.

It’s bad for my health,
isn’t it?
Such a young man,
Drinking,
Smoking,
at the age of 16.

I wonder what Lizzie is doing.
I hope she’s okay.
Hmm-

Maybe I’ll stay up tonight
so I can work.
I have a YouTube account.
Maybe I can work on my next video.

I recently agreed to a challenge.
I’d post a video on Tuesday.
Then my friends and I
will chose the best video.
I don’t care who’s the best.
I don’t wanna be hated for my work though.

What if it’s horrible?
What if I don’t get it out on time?
What if it doesn’t work out?
What off i don’t have enough space to export it?

We’re planning on visiting Russia.
Maybe even Austria.
Siberia?
Sure.
I enjoy traveling anyway,
It wouldn’t make a difference.
I hope we can visit soon.

It’s quite late.
Maybe I’ll go lay down for a bit.


Good night :)