the more you act the more i realize you don’t love me at all

you deserve to feel the hurt you gave me

okay i’m tired of being treated like the dirt on your shoe but you don’t get it because you think you’re the best ever in the world

i think it will be okay if i die soon

you scream and threaten to kick me out, throw me out of your home, over a ***** bowl and spoon in the sink i won’t clean.

i will keel over and die  and it will still be all my fault

i wish you knew the physical pain i feel in my heart every time you do this

i wish you knew i pray for him to let me go in my sleep peacefully

i wish you knew that i have no reason to keep going

i wish you knew just how much i love you

i hope you know it’s not your fault

okay haha okay so okay um okay sooo haha okay lol

not really

for wanting the bare minimum

you take away everything that makes me happy

the feeling of the blade in my hand was too familiar

so much anger and sadness all solutions include me dying

okay guys

and it’s time for me to let go

for wanting my things to be left alone
for wanting to be equal
for not wanting to worry about my stuff being stolen every time i am away

for being me

sometimes i wish you would just hit me so i would have actual proof of what you make me suffer through

my heart is failing me

you are my worst ******* nightmare i   remember everything you did every time i am alone  i  can never forget what you did to Me   but to you   i am nothing  but a liar   and a horrible person    Maybe think about what You   did to me   for years   and allowed others to do    Remember your body shaming   and manipulation    and general abusive behavior but  Oh  Oh!!  you   are always the ******* victim

i feel like a piece of shattered glass clinging together with tape

knowing you,  

your life would be so much better if i just disappeared and you show me this Every Single Day.

I am just the mistake that you regret every single day.

I am just a burden

when is it an appropriate time to die? i am so done with this.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR MY PARENTS TO CARE ABOUT ME

until my ***** bursts  i

i wish i could rip out all of my organs and die truly empty

you berate me for being sick
you berate me for being home
you berate me for wanting to go to school
you berate me for depending on you
you berate me for working


what do i  even do.

oh  i am meant to die soon   i see nothing  for my future

wishing and begging and praying will do nothing all you do is want and want and want

i scream and beg for you to care
about anything

about me
about your firstborn
about your
about
a


me

if i’m sick then you yell and scream about how i’m faking and lazy and horrible and run everything and

but if he’s sick then you cry and coddle and care for and drop everything

and the difference between us is age and the fact that i am chronically ill and he is a drug addict

i hope this thing kills me

i don’t think i’m meant to be here for this long

i thought you coming home would make a difference yet i feel more alone than ever

i’ve always known that you never loved me

i just don’t know why it hurts so much now

is it wrong of me to be jealous?

you didn’t seem to care too much when you saw me last.
i guess it’s different since it’s your parents but
could you act sad? just a little?

i feel unimportant to you. i feel like im nothing to you.

for someone you claim to love so dearly,
you don’t seem to care about leaving me behind at all.

you are a liar who will never choose me.

if i die then i won’t have to deal with all of this hullshit and pain and stupidity and eveufjjgn i need to be gone now!!!!!!!!! then they will all realize they ****** up and are stupid

for some reason, everything is always my fault.
you ruin everything, you make me have to apologize to parents because you can’t control yourself, you take all of my things, you curse and say slurs, you bully and belittle me and others,

but for some reason,
it’s my fault.

it’s my fault that you cursed in front of my student, it’s my fault that you bully me, it’s my fault that you take all of my things, it’s all my fault.

but

i didn’t even do anything.

you do all of these things

yet  i am the only who gets yelled at and punished.

the pain in my heart in unbearable and i feel like im being crushed with all the pain the world has to offer.

i feel tears streaming down my face yet i feel no sadness.

i fight and fight and fight everyday
only for it to amount to nothing
and to feel even more pain the next day.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

i wonder if you’d notice if i passed.

when good things come, they don’t last.
i don’t deserve good things,
the world has shown me that multiple times.