Vanessa Gonzalez

Vanessa Gonzalez Aug 2017

that's all this life with you has brought me.
bitter disappointment.
I used to look up to you,
believe in you.
they say the only man a girl can trust is her dad,
so what am I left with?
how can I trust the man who's only left me with a hole in my heart?
I can only look up to the sky and ask God for help.

Vanessa Gonzalez Aug 2017

Untitled

There are days where I allow myself to miss you.
I let my heart open up to the days that our love was the strongest,
And I allow myself to miss it.
I have to.
When it all gets too much it's like I'm a wooden wall holding back a tsunami.
I let myself cry, just enough for it to be okay.

Sometimes I miss you.
Sometimes I wish I could see you,
Or hear from you.
But it's only sometimes.
Because in the midst of the few happy memories,
There are still those that haunt me.
Those memories are what keep me strong enough.

Once upon a time I loved you.
Now that love is only a lesson.
A lesson about what love should not feel like.
So when I feel like I want to miss you,
I remember what it's like to be happy now that I'm alone.
I remember what it's like to be free.
To breathe.

Vanessa Gonzalez Jun 2017

Revival

The revival of my heart was not merely due to the kindness and love of another;
The revival of my heart came when I finally discovered how to love myself and rip away the things, people, who were tearing away at my soul.
Your revival should feel this way.
Like you're so high and no one can bring you down.
Like you can follow your dreams and not feel like you're being pulled back.
Like you can breathe in the fresh air around you and finally see the beauty in the life around you.
Like you can finally trust yourself and love again.
My revival feels like that.
Finally, I'm free and it's no thanks to anyone but myself.
Finally, I am falling in love with someone who deserves it.
Finally, I love myself and am following my dreams.
Finally, I feel alive.

Vanessa Gonzalez May 2017

tendrils of darkness

"everything's okay,"
I say to myself.
when my life is full of people,
people who give me love,
attention,
everything's okay.
I feel full,
hopeful.
I never let myself feel the pain that slithers like a snake and wraps itself around my heart.
the minute I'm alone,
I feel the tendrils of darkness begin to enclose around me.
suffocating me
leaving me with nothing
not even a shred of light
and sometimes,
just sometimes,
it's enough to want to make me disappear forever
even though there's not much of me left

Vanessa Gonzalez Apr 2017

Too close...

Take a step back girl.
You're way too close to fall over the edge.
Not again.
Distance yourself
A million miles away from the danger ahead.
You're surrounded
by legions of demons
Ready to take you
As soon as you fall.
As soon as you get
Too close.

Vanessa Gonzalez Mar 2017

Thank you,

Here I am again sitting in bed wide eyed at 12:44 am.
Thinking, thinking
How did I let this go so far?
How could I have let someone have so much power over me to the point where I look back...
and don't even recognize myself.
Who was that girl who wrote those posts from years ago?
So blinded by love so poisonous it haunts her to this day.
Love so toxic it still irritates the skin.
But I'd like to thank you for getting me here where I am today.
I can see what was wrong with my life now that I'm no longer blinded by your tricks.
But most of all thank you for ruining the romantic part of me.
The part that let people in so easily.
I still feel remnants of your poison in my blood and it's enough to bring me to my knees in fear.
Fear of falling in love.
But, you have taught me that love is also weakness so in a way, thank you.
Four years
I made a fool of myself.
Four years
I chased after your love.
Four years
I never got it.
Four years later
Turns out I don't need it.
So Thank you
For setting me
Free.

Vanessa Gonzalez Oct 2015

Love is unfair

The love I have for you
Is the strongest you could ever have.
You see,
I waited what seemed like an eternity
For you to come around to love me.
Even when you played my heart,
Just like you play the piano,
I still was there for you.
Call me stupid if you'd like.
But to this day,
I don't feel like the love you have for me
Is equal to the love I have for you.
You see mine is stronger,
Deeper,
True,
And the most fair.
But all you've taught me is
Love is unfair.
And I'll never have someone love me the way I love you.
Tell me if that's fair.