We desperately cling to
Love, no matter how
Terrible it may be

No matter if it hurts
Us and breaks our being
We just want compassion

So we hand it out
Like candy, something we can
Always obtain more of

But one day the candy well
Runs dry and when we're left crying
The ones who took leave us on the ground

They say we chase after
Love we think we deserve
That we want what we can't have

I never realised how true
The words rang until
It was too late

And now I'm faced with
The challenge every day
Because of what I think

I think I don't deserve love
Because I push them away
Where they should stay

I guess I am fortunate
I have discovered a person
Who thinks I am worthy of love

Even when I think
I am too scared, too nervous
Too ashamed or broken

Thank you for believing in me
When I cant even have faith
In my own self

I want to please you
Make you happy in a
Way only I can satisfy
Quench a thirst in your parched throat

I only wish it were so simple

I'm scared to be touched
I hate to be tickled
Physical contact puts me on edge
Every stroke deepens the wedge

In my heart
And in my brain
It's now a knee **** reaction
To pull away from your passion

I'm sorry my love
I can't give everything you desire
I wish I could give it away
Throw the fears and past behind

I only wish it were so simple

When I was little
I would stare up at
My mother and think to myself
That's what I want to be when I grow up

I wanted nothing more than
To become my mother
Who tucked me in
Kissed my scrapes

Who nurtured me
Brought me water when I was
Sick and sang me to sleep
And who told me how strong I was

Little did I know
That moms are dished out
Their own servings of problems
But my mom was different

She was served piles of
Left overs and week old bread
Water unfit for a dog
And dessert was scarce

Later I learned I was the dessert
So was my father
Though he was more sour than others
She didn't care, she loved it all

But as I've grown older
The piles of unfit food
Are tumbling down
Right on top of me

My mother's food labeled
Bipolar, depression
Anxiety, self harm
Body image issues and so much more

More than one person should
Be dished up, more than
One person can stomach
Too much for the plate to handle

The plate is cracked, chipped
Used, with a residue still blanketed over
And we've learned our eyes are bigger than
Our stomachs and we attempt the plate alone

But you can't handle a full course meal
If you're stomach is so small

I've learned that even though
Doctors label my mother
Crazy and unstable
I still crave to be her

Because she's survived through
What seems like everything
And she is not only alive
But my mother is living

Maybe not the way she imagined
But she still tries to make
The best of each day
She does so much with so little

Yes, I still want to be my mother
I want to be strong and brave
Kind and nurturing
I want to be everything she thinks she isn't

Because she is my everything

While other kids laughed
And played their days away
I spent mine hiding in a shell
Building my walls, made of

The tears I cried
The ash of dreams I once dreamt
My own bones for the structure inside
And the blood which flowed freely

While other kids slept
I cried my night's away
And made myself physically sick by
Crying too much

At a young age I thought of
The world and the agony we
Are forced through
Because I'd been through it myself

While other kids didn't worry
About the financial situation their
Parents were in
At age five I was

I didn't mention the class shirts
Or the fields trips as much as I should
And I worries about Christmas
And how to pay the rent instead

While other kids enjoyed their youth
I was too busy focusing on the future
And trying to grow up
That I didn't savor my childhood

I'm still young but not
Young enough to truly enjoy
The days on the play ground
Or the birthday parties with the clowns

Now I'm big and I still worry
Nothing has changed
And I feel more alone
Than I ever have

No I'm not
I'm not okay
See through my lies
Through my strong facade, disguise

"I'm tired or bored"
"No I'm just thinking"
I am so tired
And I am thinking

Of terrible thoughts
Of nasty words
My world is spinning
And the depression is winning

My hand shakes as I
Add another cut
To my thigh, where no one
Can see how I'm just done

Done with life
With the so called friends
I'm done putting on a face
So I don't leave a residue, any trace

Of sticky, sour sadness
Anywhere near your happiness
I'm done saying I'm okay
That it's just the left overs of a long day

I'm tired of lies spilling so easily
From my tainted mouth
I'm tired of breathing
And weeping

I'm tired of being lonely
Of nights spent crying in bed
I'm tired of every one believing
Of me so easily deceiving

I'm tired of cutting
But I just can't ******* stop
I'm tired of a lot of things
And what life has next to dish up

So yes
"Oh I'm just tired"
Tired of living

Are you sad, my dear?
Because it's quit clear
That your mask that you made
Out of tears and ash

Is starting to peel away
And your heart is starting to pay
The hefty price of pain
From casting your heart

Are you tired, my dear?
It's near the end of the year
It's been a long time
Since you've had good rest

You whisper you're just tired
But we know that you're wired
In a different way
Where tired means dead inside

Are you done, my dear?
With shedding your tears
And sliceing and burning yourself
And not being happy with your reflection

Because I'm done too
Salty tears are too true
Maybe it's time to pop the pills
And take a trip right down the hill