It’s a disease if you ask me
I wish I had a stronger back bone
I feel my insides shattering and me feeling weak
I cried tonight
My tears couldn’t stop
I kept thinking what was wrong with me
Why do I treat myself so poorly
I truly don’t know where to start to share or express the insides of mine that have been
Ripped apart and tortured
I think every day by choice I have to tell myself I’m worthy
But even in my sessions I’ve admitted I don’t feel like I’m worthy of this life or even another breathe
I don’t think I’m beautiful
And all I see are my wounds that continue to bleed which bring me to tears as I write these words
In my mirror I see my flaws
If I’m an angel I’m an angel with scars
And god knows that even today something told me you needed to prayed for I know your not doing ok and just know that when you think of me and cry my insides bleed from miles away
One day I got this image of you
You watched what I was submitting here and when you read certain things I saw your heart break but you didn’t want me to see you cry
You were wearing white and looked like you were either sitting or laying down and thinking hard
I’ve been scared and wounded since I was 3 years old born into chaos and trauma
I would never judge you if you opened up and shared your own feelings I’d give you my shirt to cry on my hair play to play with my cheek bones to hurt and squeeze when you need to look at my dimple your not a bother to me your apart of me at this point and that’s by Gods choice whether you like that or not :)

if theirs anything anyone needs to know
if theirs anything that needs to be declared
in this life or the next
is that you
are what I looked for when I looked for love
as a little girl
and that can never be replaced
changed
or formed by another
there will be no one else like you
i hope your ok
and that your taking care of yourself
most importantly your mind and heart
I won’t hit you with the I miss yous and I needs you because I know you go to war about so many things but i hope when it comes to me
you come to peace
if you ever start missing me or get sad
put your hand across your heart and know that I am always their even in my absence I am their

No because like you
Say you this
But you don’t mean it
But it’s all pretend
You don’t mean it
Your feelings
Are lucid
You can watch the rain pouring one minute
And some how your rain is like fire
And burns any flesh you encounter
So why mark up my car
Cause I saw you last night
In your act of god knows what or
Who you were with
It’s none of my concern
Good luck with all that
I was just shocked cause like why now after this many  
Years did I see you parked up at a gas station

I hate that I can’t be around you
Under you
Or near
That you won’t love me
At all
That I can’t hear from you
A call or text
I’m bothered
And conflicted
I think what’s sad about this is that
No matter the people
The incentives
The kindness that others can offer
Why is it that I only have to want you
Why do I need to have you
Why can’t I get you out of my head
Why do I look at empty chairs wishing you were right in front of me
Why do I sit there and wonder what you would say in certain situations
Every day for 7 years I mourned you
I waited for you
Anything
A sign
Anything
I prayed to God and wondered why
Not you why can’t my heart let go of you
Here I am sitting and looking at another empty chair still trying come to peace with you not being here
I talk to god and ask him
What do I need to do
He says sit still
I hope this makes sense because my heart and mind are so confused

Us or we
What sounds fun to you
Me or you
Or us as an item
Fixated on details
But navigating on solid
Ground
Having meaningful conversations
Getting lost in the wilderness
In unknown places
Home is where I belong
Home isn’t physical
It’s a feeling
Will you be my home

I wonder if you understand me
Don’t you worry if you don’t
Where do you find information about me
Because it’s never been from me the source
No more puzzles
Am I the surprise that just keeps giving
I use to cry
Now I understand I’m interesting
But what’s the fun in directly just asking
You want play catch me if you can
And all I want to do is feel the sun on my skin
Confess with your heart not your brain
Find the energy to love on me
Not to run game on me

It’s not your fault if something does happens to me
I hated the earth and it hated me back
This world will never be my home
I got use to seeing your door staying shut
I don’t fear rejection or you telling me you hate me
I got use to seeing the chains around my neck, arms and feet
I got told to walk with my head held up high
Even if I didn’t get what I wanted
Even if I got rejected by
Everyone that told me they had me
Even if they took advantage of my mind
Body and soul
Even when I begged him to get off of me and never did
Your looking at a dead woman walking
I’m just taking my time
Until it’s my time to leave
I’ll walk in my garden and die peacefully in my flowers
It’s not your fault I know I’m terrible
I’m not blaming you for anything
I blame myself for thinking that you thought I was important or that I mattered
You shown me every day that I didn’t matter
That it would always be someone else and never me
So there’s no reason for you to sit their and wonder if you want me or not
If you wanted to love me love never holds anyone back it’s fear and fear will only eat you alive when you love someone hurting them is like  hurting yourself
Loving someone is looking into their eyes and feeling their pulse because no matter where your at no matter what happens you can feel them next to you
It’s not a pick me today and leave me tomorrow situation I’m someone’s forever and if not a single person will ever acknowledge that it’s ok
I’ve got a life time of misery and pain
That’s filled my appetite

Everything that was done
All that was in the dark
Every word
Every item
Every ounce of joy that was had
Came to an end
Oh how I looked at your pictures on your wall
Of us
I cried because you’d always would say to  me
If you would have stayed here my life would’ve been so different
Only if I would have asked how?
I looked for you , for years in other people
My parents weren’t around to congratulate me
It was always someone else’s mom or dad
Other kids telling they were proud it was nice to hear
Looking out to see everyone else’s families
There
And to feel your absence in all that I do
It destroyed me every time and I’d come home crying
Moving forward to the next chapter dad has been so hard
You were suppose to come back home dad
I was so mad
I never felt so much rage
4 am on Jan 26 oh I dropped to the floor crying why God why
I couldn’t stop screaming and hitting the floor
You did everything you could to make up for my childhood in one month. In all my life I had that one month with you to see you and look up at you. I’ll never forgot the day I was leaving the airport. You went to the restroom and came back I knew you cried but not in front of me. The hardest thing I ever had to do was know that I had to walk away from you. I never wanted to leave. What an American Dream.

You were a sunshine in the dark
When did the darkness get the best of you
When did you start feeling unworthy
Why do you always say as long as my kids have all that they need that’s all I need
I know you messed up
And you taking ownership of that
makes me proud
Because your more than your mistakes
I’m still undoing some of the things you taught me
Some of the things that I never want to pass onto my kids
His mistakes were not mine mumma I know you think I’m just like him because the way I think is like him, the way I react, laugh and style myself is just all him. I always had to remind you that I came out of your womb. I had his habits but I got stuck with your heart. Taking the weight of the world girl no him being the way he was not your fault. He could’ve given you a checklist and that still wouldn’t have been enough. I’m so sorry because of him you didn’t see yourself as someone that was deserving of love. Questioning what you could have done different. I always reminded you that you were beautiful  and he himself is broken it’s not your fault. He’s got it so wrong and one day he’ll regret what he did and when he does it’ll be to late. If he never changes it’s because his lifestyle has gotten to him and for him there was no looking back. I love you mom but god loves you more.

I think of you ; you know that.
When it all fell apart
When you left
I knew you wanted to stay
I prayed for a miracle
Even in my dreams after you passed
You’d come and say I didn’t go anywhere see I’m right here
The woman who spoiled me with her smiles and made this place a home and  would wrap me in her arms as a child
When I couldn’t go to sleep
She made me feel safe
We went from sleeping on floors but I knew that I was ok because you were there it didn’t matter if we didn’t have a place to stay at the time all I knew is you never gave up and your love never stopped pouring
Family meant everything to you
And seeing everyone come together use to bring you joy
I grew up with that a woman that made a whole room light up because she was there and she simply exsisted as her own authentic self and didn’t have a care in the world what anyone said as long as no one messed with her kids
I don’t care for the Kim’s and the K’s I hope to live and die like her
Bebe I wonder what you’d say now if you were here
I just know if you saw me crying you’d sit and ask me what’s wrong and make sure pay back was on earth not heaven
This lady made me laugh as a kid she was always down to go to jail and every time she fought she waited for someone to call for only everyone to go back to their homes and pretend like nothing ever happened
My Bebe was my Icon and I just hope you know that you are always loved

I don’t feel danger around you
I don’t feel that you want me to fear you
even if we don’t speak
and I die in a nursing home
will you still watch over me even
when I have dementia
and see how I’m doing
would you still show up
to my funeral when
no one remembers me
and I go down
feeling that my life had no meaning
or will you personally make sure
you take me out before then
so that you can sleep easy
am I the subject that gets tested daily
I have nothing left to give
I think that you know that
I’ll never be same again no matter how hard I try

In my bed holding my stomach
Drowning in my tears
Not wanting to move
My back aches
All I want is for my tears to drench
Your shirt
I sit in sadness
Everything besides my cycle
Pouring out of me
I’m crying for you and the pain in my stomach
I need you to carry me in your arms
It is true the girls who tried to act the most hard
Need the most babying

I’m the one that’s connected
To every conversation
Why you keep running
From your own imagination
Don’t you know that your one of gods creations
Your here for a purpose
And I hope that you find it
But I know you want to blame me
And you want to continue to scar me
I’m sorry I didn’t try to be like any of your lady friends
And beg for your love
And Tell you that I’m hungry
I wanted your time to connect
Never your money
I was young
I was foolish
But I had good intentions
The hood way got me
Trust no one
And you’ll never be sorry
For giving out your heart
But now old thugs want new love
And now they can’t handle being out in the streets
They want a warm cooked meals
And one lady
Before it used to be get with all the honeys
And throw up all of your money
Now they locked up
Cause they can’t pay alimony
you wanna run away and tell them about me
how I couldn’t get the clear picture
Oh honey the man that was my father ran things you never could touch
Every page you tried writing he gave me the beginning and the end
Don’t make me the cause to the affliction to the war you dealt with before you were even born
It’s time to step out and be comfortable about  yourself
Even if you don’t know if the sun will shine
Just know even if you hate me
It’ll be alright
I rather be hated on than loved by a man that repeats the same patterns in how he’ll get me in bed
I’m ok thanks for worrying when needed

I think your amazing
I think you have so much to offer
the world
if you think I’m mocking you
I’m sorry
If anyone knew who how I really felt
It would be that I’m confused
And that’s something I have shared
Is that I’m confused about how you feel about me
I’m confused on why my car was vandalized
I’m uncertain on why it is that
You choose to keep your distance but want to remain close to me and want to know how I’m doing
I want you around I really do
But do you know about the nights I cried
How no one knew if I’d be ok
I talked about how I fell apart alot through out the years I got tested by life
I laughed at how you reacted because I think it’s cute I did also say if your crazy it’s fine I am too I don’t worry about why you keep tabs or why you want to know more about me but I do wonder what holds you back from approaching me
Why not directly talk to the source
I know that I’m intimidating but do I really scare you or are you sure you wouldn’t know how to go about the conversation
Anyone that knows me knows that I pray for you every time I think of you and will always wonder if your ok even if you never speak
To me I hope that your ok
I try to put up a strong a front
But ik Im not anymore
And my pride has left the building for eternity

some days I want my back and my b*tt rubbed
and other days I just want your eyes on me
I want you around me
time to be frozen
just sit and there and see you
infront of me

plant your seeds into my heart
will you take my hand
and go to the moon
will you calm my heart when it races
I never confessed
My heart always raced sitting next to you
So looking away always helped
Give me your hand and let me rest in your palms
if this is where you want to reside
take me home
take me
plant your seeds into my heart
my love is special
it is one of a kind
it’ll never be shown in photographs or words
you’ll feel it in the air when u see come or when your near

I’m not sure what’s been going through that mind of yours
Are you losing it
Are you distant
Are you confused
Low on confidence
What is it
I feel you
What is it that you want from me
To hurt me
To love me
Or talk to me
What is it
I can feel you so close to me
The need to see me
Like I’m the speed
I’m the dime
Or fine wine
What you need
Drop it low
Let me know
You come across my mind heavy now a days
Be honest with yourself
Could you really live with out me
Because lately you can’t even keep your cool
I’m back home now and I’m safe
Thought I’d give you an update love
Cause deep I know your losing it
What do you need
Drop it low
Let me know
Is it the need for speed
Are you fen-in for me

I think your cute
Like so adorably
Could grab your face
And look in your eyes cute
I think that even if you don’t feel confident right now
No matter the weight
I literally couldn’t hide
It eats at me when I can’t say
I adore you I do
You pulled up one day the sun was beaming
At the stop sign you could leave and didn’t want to I tried to leave but I couldn’t
You stoped and stared and I wondered why
It drives you insane
All or nothing you are enough for me
I don’t know what crosses your mind but I sit and wonder and there you go