spreading kindness is the worst
it’s not met with kindness reciprocated
it’s not a divine improvement
it does not make you feel good

i am living in an unchecked system
positive feedback loop with no threshold to knock it back to where its supposed to be

i am hopeless at the aim of my life
without my kindness i am nothing
and with it i have nothing

i am craving someone to see me
genuinely see me and care about the things that i care about and to love the things that i write and to tell me that i am worthy of something more than what i am given
i want to be dissected and loved
i dont want to ask for it every time
i dont want to cry about it anymore

do you think my letter will fix the problem? that words could mean anything more than something read and forgotten?
does it matter anymore than it did before
do you even care?
do you even know my name?

i am cursed to be this way
to want more than im given
to require love in the most beautiful way
to see the world in its smallest of beings
to observe and think more than someone should ever be able to

you are my muse
but you are the biggest part of my hurt

i keep telling myself hurt people hurt people
how long do i let someone hit me before i grab their hand and tell them i deserve better
because what if better is not there?
what if i only get this chance to let someone into my head
what if i deserve this?
i am disgusting and no one is telling me

oh the places I’ll go
I knew I’d end up where I need
No matter if it’s where I want
No use in fighting it, that hurts
Throw yourself into the waves and teach yourself to swim
Don’t be too scared of the sharks before you’ve laid eyes on the reef
Show them you can, show them you care
Do it out of spite, do it out of hate
Find the drive, don’t crash the car
Get bit, bite back
Return stronger, taller

Do you know what it’s doing to me?
Do you know what i think?
Are you listening?

That which I am successful at
I cannot do
Unknown to those naked eyes
see me outperforming last years body.
god its unsustainable.

How can you tell me
You love me, care for me
When you don’t care to see the inside of me
you don’t wish to explore that by which I live
I want to be dissected

My brain is an active volcano
Throwing lava bombs nearby with the friendliest flowers to be destroyed
The pressure pushes my magma around and I fall
In too deep
you’ll only watch

thank god you’ll watch
At least you’re there

i am imploding
my cup was full and now i am spilling over on every side
i microwaved an orange so much it blew up
like they gave me too much salsa in my burrito and it’s all over my hands when i try to eat it
no one else matters anymore
i see only you
i desire nothing more than you
nothing less
i want to braid our bones together

straining my eyes
sitting on the suitcase that is my brain trying to zip it up
pain medication
micro naps when i blink for too long
persistence
hatred
boredom
overload

its my new favorite thing
so smooth, stimulating color
like butter across my paper
scratching like mice making cave drawings
thats me
mouse trying to be remembered
that's all i want