I bought a new dress and it makes me look like a lost sock
it fits me well and makes me feel grown, the kind of beautiful you find in a fish with funky spots
descriptively the lost sock has the kind of pattern to make you want to take markers and draw on the wall.
the one you go crazy and see women inside of it
gilman could get lost in my dress
makes me want to hold a microphone and unplug it, so that i can let the voice in my head talk over the others.

this is what you know, that all things die
all things should cry at some point
all things should know how to pick rocks up and throw them
they should know follow the light that shines during the day, and look under logs to the things that don't.
that all purpose cleaner couldn't be for your brain, that unfinished things chained to the ground will always be shadows up ahead.
that once a ******* your bag breaks, a new strap will be required
that you shouldn't pick wildflowers but sometimes you can't help it.
that love shouldn't come easy but it shouldn't weigh.
that when your eyes sunk into your head, it was time to fill yourself with air.

I still think of you when I hear your song
Songs that weren’t yours
When it’s silent

a magnet, with little wooden posts,
and little wooden birds. they sit
stagnant  still  perfect
clay maybe, that stuff from walmart that never dries so you have to cook it in an oven
they never grow old  or weather  on my fridge
ill polish them, make them wish they could sing

your cup is empty
you pour people
add some job
a little money
sprinkle little things to make it fizz
too much fizz it overflows
to many things added and it becomes a jungle
the cup needs to be washed
cleaned, sanitized, put in the cupboard for a little
open the cupboard, remember that you can make drinks again
cup care is the most important, because if dropped, filled too often
it gets damaged, frail, old
new cups are hard to come by
new cups take time to make once yours is broken
fill it, empty it, wash it, again
empty for too long, you'll get thirsty and dehydrated.
filled all of the time, you'll drown

i am not anything
i am not nothing
i am everything
all the time
every second
every minute
every hour
every day
i am floating
and i am falling
i am cold
and i overheat
i plan
and i spring
i change
my mind
my time
my clothes
my love
i color
i layer
im mean
my heart is huge
3 times too big
i build
i destroy
build again
i dig
i fill
i trip in the hole again
its how i get sometimes

"stop writing like its a book"
but it is
everythings a book
a story
everything should be beautiful and detailed
should flourish with interesting words and patterns
if life was a painting I would use all the colors
if life was a dance i'd throw myself in the air
if life was a cake there would be flowers upon flowers upon garnish and taste, fillings and layers and gold edible sparkles covering it
if everything I do is not gorgeous, then why?

productivity is a dragon
slain by the knights of pleasure and sloth
security is a castle
built by the dragon
housing the knights as they tear from within
it was not built in a day
or two
or seventy-five
the forest where you're from is a castle of its own
the knights roam free in the forest
but theres monsters there

Looking up
staring down
Heavy hearts only weigh what you feel like
The glass is only half-empty if it was full before
Loss is only a loss if you feel worse
The best thing to say is “at least”
“Well now I get to”
“It’s fine because”
Don’t worry about it
Unnecessary sadness
Think up
Not down

Piano, soft melody plays
A guitar, acoustic growth brings a heart skip
Drum set joins, I dance more noticeably
They skip, drums change rhythm and she begins to sing
It flows, getting louder
a wooden flute takes her place, she sings background,
I rest for a second to remember the words
I roll on my back letting the lyrics consume me
Sing along, talking to the music
I love this song

Soft kneads on the blanket I am under
A tender plop down should feel better
Purr exponentially rattling my mattress
pressure, comfort in presence
Eyes can see into mine
He knows everything I feel
Relentless, get off your phone, love me more
You’d like me to rub the space between your whiskers and your face
Peaceful, you close your eyes
I toss, I turn, you move to rest me
No one cares for each movement as you do
You sleep, curled into a ball
Couldn’t roll, too snug
I see you, your happiness in calm
It consoles me

Acceptance is cool
Trying is cool
Colorful things are cool
Researching the things you like are cool
Eating healthy is cool
Doing things with your friends is cool
drugs, in order to expand your mind and grow internally, are cool
Working out and exercising all the time to make yourself healthier and more attractive is cool
Keeping your room clean is cool
Brushing your teeth every day is cool
Writing everything down because documentation is the only thing that helps you to remember who you are is very cool
Creating fantastic works of art and functionality are so very cool
Drinking 8 cups of water (8oz) every day is cool
Being nice and helping your family is cool
Loving being outside and active is cool
Actively fighting the feeling of heaviness and darkness that keeps you stagnant in life is cool
being content is cool
Being cool is the only way to survive while enjoying the whole thing

The cars drive by
It’s cold outside
The puddles on the ground
Sterilized my ignorance
Water is water
Ocean spray or the day after blizzard
Feels the same
Imagine a space where it feels better
Be there
Be better
Do it

Wandering in the meta verse
Finding a reason to stay awake
Crying when they don’t come
Bored of the time consumer
Tired of living in my skin
Trying a new one is out of the question
A hole is so very difficult to dig
Harder to get out of
The illusion of progress seems like a sick joke
Hating the world so I don’t have to hate myself
Hating the circumstance but not making the change
Do not take anything for granted
Time is precious no matter

All the colors have to be different
New strokes of my art say everything i cant
They are new i expect
The change is the only repetitive feature of me

Designs stay the same only because they are different
Old habits happen to be new habits wearing masks
Careening past what i thought i knew into something i know all too well
Same place, different time

Change the lightbulbs
Do your laundry
Love someone

Find disdain in the world
Say its pointless
Try not to believe it

Consume
Give and take
destroy
Cycle after cycle of frustration and grief

Continue, the worst you could do is stop
or keep going with this thought

grain, world
Expansion, sudden
New love, new
Take that -nothing matters-I rule the world- I hate everyone-
Bury it
Humble yourself, cry a little, cry a lot
Get bigger, get better
Grow, learn, say everything
say anything

Same old rotation
Searching for meaning in programs
Only stimulating I don’t know when
I cry
I die
Somebody take me

Stopping your car in the middle of the road
Jokes that people laugh at but hate (puns/offensive jokes)
Drugs (but not alcohol)
Wrestling with animals
Eat the entire pizza in one sitting. Alone
Arguing in public
Respect (apparently)
Making your mom jokes to people with dead moms
Being louder than your dad
Existing completely out of spite (as a result of your mom)
Living with your best friend
Ordering an entire pizza and instead of eating it you just lick off the toppings
Jokes about suicide
ellen

bigger things to broad
the pain is large
the happiness is small
how to find love in a world full of restless people
what do you do when you cant see the beauty anymore, but you know its there
metaphor is too much for my mind
being direct keeps backfiring
i hate it all

what if all im good at is this
what if im not even good at it
what if the only thing thats relieving is writing it down
what if i dont get any more than what i am
what if that not good enough for myself
what if im doomed to be restless
to be unhappy
to be the same

do you know anything about yourself
or is it a distraction, for attention
Do you love yourself, or the things people convinced you that you are
how would someone even know themselves if all they know is what they’re told
all they think about, must be crazy
no matter how much time I spend with myself, in the end I’m more interested in you

oh the places I’ll go
I knew I’d end up where I need
No matter if it’s where I want
No use in fighting it, that hurts
Throw yourself into the waves and teach yourself to swim
Don’t be too scared of the sharks before you’ve laid eyes on the reef
Show them you can, show them you care
Do it out of spite, do it out of hate
Find the drive, don’t crash the car
Get bit, bite back
Return stronger, taller

where are you going? who are you with?
who do you call? for how long?
why do you walk like that, talk like that..
read like that, write like that..
converse with them, why do I?
how did I find you, and you me
beehive, anthill, sky
city, town, school..
who are you,
where did you come from?

Sanity comes with being bothered
Not caring
Not worrying
Not glancing
Checking
Hurrying
Is insane
Relaxation
Is for the psychopaths

Fast flashes fall leaves fly by
I don’t see them until I say to cry
I love my mom
But
I have good grades
I am happy but
I broke my marble

One day our world may end
I don’t need another lover

Notice me
Sit with me
Talk with me
Learn with me
Grow with me
See with me

Know everything about me
How high I like my benches
How green I like my grass
How small I like my spiders

Climb with me
Scratch with me
Fall with me
See where I put my footholds
Bleed where I do

Wash my clothes
Make me food
Finish my thoughts

There’s so few who could, who wants to.
hard to find

she stole my ability
stole my drive
my passion
crashed my car, my heart
love, please

no apology just change
no explanation just absence
no worries be happy
don’t say, do
no care, love
no love, jump

everyone wants to be my friend
everyone tells me how much i’ve changed
i’m being unblocked
by people i thought were here the whole time
by people i thought had been mine
i had a change of heart
i stayed with the others
i saw the other side
you have nothing to say

mesh days
shaking hearts
still nights but
you’re dripping
dropping
home

i don’t have any words
they used to fly around my head looking for a way in
flowing out of my ears
out of my eyes
seeing everything
i stopped and stood on the sidewalk watching the red light
and as i yelled it changed

each victory
smaller than the last
We are told none is too small
but I can’t see them
they blend in
no longer victories, they are routine
nothing changed

it’s not the rejection of the “cliche” you despise, that matters, it’s the respect you gain for it as you drift from each other

sleeping more
eating less
seeing more
feeling less
hearing more
talking less

i’m trying to be healthy
i’m eating more than one meal a day
i’m working out
i’m smoking to have a good time
i’m pushing through the bad times
again

a bucket list for the mind if you will

you think when someone writes, all the insecurities flow into the poetry and out of the person
you’d think it’s relieving and is viewed as an outlet
i find myself trying to be someone i’m not
for fear of being myself, who i despise
i find it hard to believe i think so cliche

i want to sit at the bottom of a pool
until the water flows through my lungs and restricts the oxygen from my muscles
leaving me unable to breathe.
gasping for air where there is none
reaching for a life i would rather not return to
warm water

ice frozen on the street quiet like sand
crackles of fireplaces match when she steps on the snow
she wants an escape to wonderland with alice herself
fills her days with people she loves, every second busy no space for doubt
leaving their memory of her sweeter than the last, just in case it is just that
she sits down in the street and looks up, sees the massive sky, she’s never looked at the constellations before but tonight the brisk air told her too
she loves the stars, how they are small and yet, more terrifying than any personal shortcoming
she says she loves the quiet and shivers to herself as she begins to put herself in perspective
love is the single greatest invention
she uses it to calm herself
she loves the stars

i think about just stopping

i can’t see straight right now
trying my hardest to live without lying too much
you know the drill

what do you tell yourself when you feel empty
you know the days
the dark cold numb days
the wide awake empty head nights
the monster inside growls for reason
i have no idea
what do you do on those days
how do you fix the feeling
how do you live when you feel dead
how do you satisfy a need you didn’t know you had
restless repetitive room
thoughts
i have no idea

so much, is only that you can do
so much, is how much you love me
so much, is how much we hang out
so much, is how you talk **** about people
so much, is how much we get high
so much, is how much this poem *****.
so much is all that I can handle right now

amber shine
the sun wishes she gave the same high
marked me like a bloodstain
cold water wishes she could get it out

a thought happens 72 thousand times a day
right before you close your eyes
the one thing on your mind
oh to be one n 72 thousand

do you remember
when i started my job back up
and the happiest time
back in march
we were confused and relieved and scared
we sat and watched greys anatomy
and smoked **** and laughed
you’d pick me up after work and we’d sit for hours
no worries
not knowing that it was gonna last forever

when she left home
she wears skirts past the knee
button-ups only if they have wooden buttons

she has these socks light blue the same shade as her eyes
look like pools at 7:00 pm

she parades around with an emerald stud at the top of her ear
just so you can only see it when you push her hair behind it

her music taste is that of a second-generation hippie with a millennial stepmom
could sit for hours if she had an iPod and a field

all she needs is the clouds and the stars to heed
it's like watching a flower grow and live through the weeds
planted wherever she thought had the nicest sunset

she was sleeping beauty
pricked her finger on a record player

i love you
coming of age is a natural occurrence
such as riding a bike
and heartbreak
and 4 am nights
learning how to brush your teeth everyday
road trips
no one ever tells you how to deal with the emptiness
we don’t talk about how hollow it is
like a beauty mark never fading
and indescribable pain never felt so numb
because nothing ever happened
i just fell off and crashed and burned and now there’s a hole
they don’t mean to hurt you
it’s just not the same anymore
i’m lost in the woods
finding my way, in the dark
birds are chirping in the distance
but everyday the nights get longer
and everyday the tears get drier
and the bags under my eyes look best when i’m awake
there’s only so many lyrics to sing
and there only so many nights like this
and there’s only so many things to stay for
i am empty and lost in the woods
and i love you no matter what happens

i made tea and it smelled like early mornings and carpooling to high school
i put on my old perfume and smelled heart pounding and felt kisses
i wore my sweatshirt and i haven’t felt warmer than i did on the bus in february
i made coffee and heard voices asking for a sip because they are literally falling asleep in first period
i made tea

but what i don’t love is when i tell people about it
it’s shallow
i want everyone to know about it
because there is so much to love in the world
but we lose ourselves on the parts that don’t
and it makes no sense to me why we spend what little time we have loving the things that hurt us
we are here to feel and love and experience and hate and do
we aren’t here to judge
or to tear down
so just love
when i’m not here to say it you need to be able to