Thursday

Your "good morning" text to me
came early, and made my heart smile deep for the first time in a while.

Mandolin Orange on my headphones
makes the work day run smoothly,
and since I can't help but think of you anyway, might as well be tunes that help those thoughts tingle and glow nicely.

Wish I could tell you,
how I just wish for you the best
things in this life... and hope you meet someone someday that makes you feel
the way you do me.

I hope one day you let someone love you without a defense.
...And I wish that either one of those people could be me.


You told me last night about
your "least favorite quality of mine,"
well there's my least favorite of yours...





And I will choose to hear "I love yous,"
...
In, "Good morning" texts
moments that take your breath
late night calls
smiles, sighs
and "I miss yous."
...

I'll venture far out past my memory
Write you poetry
from the city of love
Starving, mail you sweet words
from hard miles, hard bread
and cheap wonderful wine.

Once I've
met the one,
seen the city,
and written songs,
maybe, "love" and I
can be friends again..

You feel so far
so far away
I think of your smile
it drives loneliness away

Remember the time
when you felt the same
You got scared
but it's okay...

Sometimes words
are hard to say
I love you like the stars
and miss you everyday

they say that whiskey
will never hold you
like a good girl can

but I'll drown this heartache
with a bottle in my hand

'cause i'm tired of feeling
and i really don't understand

so i'll be drunk and lonely
till it don't hurt again

I wish,
that there was a way,
that I can make you feel,
on the good days,
as good as you do me.

When we put one another down
in black and white,
"good vs bad,"
we come out about the same
it seems...
Save for this one outstanding thing.

I've tried to reflect how good
you make me feel
back to you,
in any way I could find.

And I don't think
that you're not hearing me,
I just believe
that I don't have the same magic
as you perhaps.
I don't know how to make you feel
as good as you do me.

.... But I can rest tonight,
knowing that I have tried.

And being the person that I am,
still ever hopeful of things,
I know that I will continue.

My love will continue,
and therefore continue to try.

I can't decide for you,
(and it is a decision. That, I know)
what your feelings are to be for me.
I can't make the good times,
for you,
as good as they are for me.

... But I still don't know how
to stop trying.


[and that's what love is i think]

Something in me's changed,
I know you've seen
and I've got something to say
about "you & me."

You're the one who
haunts my dreams.
And I wanna be the one
who makes you believe

...in the kind of man to you
              that I could be .


What started out as "kid love"
then turned deep,
And I thought it might break
with all the miles we've seen.

No matter how I've tried,
i just can't shake
The thought of "forever,"
however long that takes .


I had a daydream
of you  &me
Sharing headphones
on a flight overseas

Listening to Dispatch's "America"
and feeling free,
Your head on my shoulder
smiling

...with miles ahead
     no longer in between .

Some people are hard not to love,
Like Ernie
Ernie and I just got a fire going good in his backyard.
Then he went inside, and left me alone with it.
Saying, "just enjoy the fire. When you want to come inside, come inside. But just enjoy the fire."
Friends like this are few and far between, I know, I have a lot of friends.

My life is a mess. My nails are a mess. My relationship is a mess...
And i,
just needed this fire tonight.

Someone said to me recently,
I have a way of writing things poetically.
And maybe it's not poetry, exactly.
But as the fire burns,
and the embers in me turn...
I know I feel much more at peace.

Payday.

I feel broken and beaten down and antisocial. I wander aimlessly through Walmart trying to find snacks for lunches to pack. I make my way from cookies and crackers to liquor turn left , electronics, uninterested. I find myself looking at luggage and backpacks, and then into the camping section.  Grab some paracord, seems like I always need that. A pocket knife, only five bucks. Then, I'm looking at sleeping bags...

I'm lost.

Lost and knowing I'm lost, in a world of normalcy that doesn't suit me. I leave the grocery store with a bag of granola, because I only know how to pack for hiking and train rides.

Two more months of harvest left.