It's okay, it's okay
It's nothing, just forget about it
It's okay, it's okay
It is not even there
It's okay, it's okay
There is nothing to be scared
It's okay, it's okay
There is nothing hurting there
It's okay, it's okay
No sting, no pain, just a little bit of hayne
It's okay, it's okay
Numb it all until everything fades
It's okay, it's okay
I'll be gone soon anyway

I had a nice dream the other night. Though, it wasn't the kind of freaky dream where you fly or that you're bigger than Taj Mahal. It was the plain sorta dream - a slice from life - but strangely ordinary life wasn't as chaotic as I know it to be.

There were no fights. No depression. No anxiety. No pressure. No overthinking. No sadness. No anger. No despair. No numbness.

For the first time in my ******* existence that thing shut up - it was happy, tranquil. It was so peaceful. Nothing hurt and nothing was hurting me. There were no tears, no suffering, no void, no doubts; it was like a dream/paradise.

Everything was the way it was before. My heart was full and there was no hushed whispers. No shadows telling me that I am worthless, that those around me just want something and that's their reason to stick around, no jealousy, no hatered. Just pure happiness and bliss. Everyone loved me and didn't take anything away. They didn't go. They stayed with me. They never lied, they never cheated. They didn't use me.

Is it a selfish wish? Maybe, nonetheless, the fact that that was the happinest dream I had in weeks - even months - remains. Pity I can't live there. Pity I can't lock myself in my Wonderland and stay with those comforting illusions. My illusions.

Everyone says that you are your worst critic but is it really true? She says that I'm always pointing with the sharp tip of my horns but am I really? Is it all truly in my head or is it reality? That this suffocation is due to me? That this unruly things clawing at my chest are merely the doings of their victim? Am I punishing myself or punishing others?

Oof, is such a ****** I can't read hearts. It's truly awful that I have to blindly trust and take the leap of faith. Wasn't it in the human nature to learn? Wasn't the hot stove and the burn marks on the hand to serve as a lesson? Why do they require of me to hurt myself? Why do I have to chard my skin to the bone?

Am I being unreasonable or melodramatic? Am I really the sole problem of my torture? Why can't I just let go? They make it sound so easy - so simple to up and go. So what if you get hurt? You just forget and move along.

Why is it that I can't do the same? Why can't I seem to trust? It's so beaconing and yet so horrid to imagine. I tried forcing it, embraced the thoughts and have a positive outlook. Alas, in the end, it's the same as it always is - I am chocked by the might of the wave.

Learn how to cope, learn how to adapt, figure how to take the blow, to hope. But it's hard to train an old dog new tricks, wouldn't you say so?

Why is it I do this again? I thought everything was settled, what's wrong with me? I guess...I just want to let it out? Complain? Be greedy and tire those I care for more? I said that everything was alright, that everything is settled - did I dare to lie while looking in their eyes? But I'm sure I felt the lightness, the weight subsiding. The knots lessening their choking hold from around my throat.

I don't know what's the matter with me and I'm truly sorry for wasting your time, your words, and your warmth. I think...I've become addicted to this. This 'sharing' wearing it and myself out and where in the end I succumb to a dreamsless sleep. With no figgeting, no toss and turn. No coil around my heart, no anxiety or insecurity in the way.

Maybe it's time I take a sleeping pill or something, quell my mind. Maybe it's time I take drastic measures towards this. Maybe I'll feel more or less at ease. Since, taking away my life proves too much for a coward like me.

Positive vibes, one said. I ask myself if they truly thought it or marely took pity. Truly they must be talking about the wrong gal. When I see myself, I don't see a happy kid. I don't see someone fun or loving or kind or brave - I see a shadow with hollowed eyes, sharp teeth and bloodstained claws next to the corpse of the bundle of sunshine. The riped fruit who made up tales and drew at the wall. The biggest grin and the shiniest of eyes. Carefree, never wishing to hurt a fly.

I miss her so much. I miss her positively. I miss her genuine smile. I miss her comfort and her kindness, her wild side. I miss my little fawn. I miss my light. Why didn't I listen to her while she begged for her life? Why didn't I heed her advice? Why did I dig my claws and teared her appart with the lame excuse "This is for the better."?

It was my job to protect and guide her, not extinguish her flame. It was my duty to look after her, to shield her from the bad. It is I, who was the scar bearer, the soldier who must die. Instead I was her doom, even if it's painful to admit and look at it the eye. I've become just like the monster we so fear. The beast that made her hide behind me, to seek my presence. I was the one to ruin and **** her. I let the shadows beat her. I yelled, cussed, and spat while cracking my whip - ushering her to countiue build.

Now that she's gone, just a memory within the foam, I am being slowly consumеd by them. No matter how much I seek her, scream at the winds, she won't come. She won't grace me with her rays. She won't ever sweetly say my name. But, in spite of that, I wish I could see her again...

Here we go again
In the same hole where my battles began
The arena where I bleed, and bruise, and faint
Where the shadows pick and split my flesh day by day

I don't think I have much longer to live - to feel the drive
I can barely hold my weapon straight and fight
I've become such a miserable sight
I can no longer come back to the high
I can no longer get by

It's like there's a tide, great and strong
I tried to break to the surface for so long
To see through the tricky fog
Whisper the words of reassurance so I can never forget their warmth or their song

Still, I suffocate with all of the load
I am trusted back under the foam
My hands are beaten and raw
Fingers fractured, my nails fall
I am no longer their little fawn
The tears, the cheers, the kisses, the enticing words - I no longer feel their want
I don't have enough patience nor the strength to wait for another day

I shake, terrified yet beckoned to the blade
My string beginning to fade
Their voices are faint
The choice is laid
The real question is do I have the guts to persuade?

I'm scared and it hurts
And you know how much I loathe pain
It juts - I feel like there's not much to gain
Maybe it's time I let them take the rein

God I'm such a mess
Too dumb to play a simple game of chess
Always the one to make a fuss
And always first to hurt someone and deprive them of must

Someone once said, "Liers and deceivers fear the pointed ends of their spear."
Is that why it's my greatest fear?
Or am I just making up it all again?
If that is so, why contemplate the attempt?
Why the need for marred skin and blood?
Why imagining suffocation from the flood?
Why looking at the pills resting in the nook of the drawer?

Is death lenient towards people like me?
Or does it scoff at the ignorance, the audacity, the weakness of their spirit - that I don't know
Maybe I am indeed selfish
Maybe I am an attention-seeking white liver
But I can't take in the fever
And that friend, is the toxic mind of a nonbeliever

Blue, such an enchanting and bewitching colour
Being able to lure even the hungry gulls to follow
And give people the strength to go on in this world

For an artist to engrave an image in our minds
To help young ones find their path through the vines
To inspire a victim to release her spirit from the pit, wherever it hides
Giving life full meaning and see something else besides the contour of the sides

Yet, that sacred hue seems to bring me only horror
Filling my core to the brim with despair and anger
So much I want to put that lone rope on the hanger
Be silence with a swift move of a finger
Applause!
For tonight is my last time as a sovereign singer in front of all of you

Now, despite my love and moral right
My heart was shattered, its pieces cruelly scattered
Azure and violet lingers on my surface that once a refined look held
So the monster could be discharged from the misery it felt
Obtuse to the fiends it sends to win over my pelt till tomorrow due

The striking blue in its eyes that was found dreamy
Was just a snare for someone as delusional as me
Tore the flesh and meat protecting my pride that was soon to be
Taking away all of my licit sociality

Weeping flimflammery behind a vague breath
I fumbled and curl up in the dark in my dread
Eyes moist and cheeks stamped with a watermark
The blue everyone sees as breathtaking losing spark
And as my muscles began to stark
I awaited the moment where it would stop with the snide remarks

"Why are you useless in time of need!?
Stupid *****, nothing will ever fulfil your greed!"

Is that how you were going to treat me?
With cusses and heavy thrusts?
Ponding on and on until I became nothing but bones and organs mushed
If I try to wail or scream for you to stop
Another punch in the gut knocks out my air and my body thumps like a wet mop

I look in the mirror and I want to rend my eyes
Be blind, erase the person standing before I
With bruises and marks littering
Proving irreversible indication of its iniquity

Depletion, hysteria, fury, strikes me harder than it
I find it hard to stand on my own two feet
Teeth chewing and munching on as I continue to bleed
Remising of how I was just a kid

An innocent image bearing no dreed
Wishing nothing from her parents but more feed
So that my bones aren't as stiffed
Maybe then I'll be more gifted
More desired and loved
Like the blue was to me a long time ago

One day at a boutique shop,
I met a man selling cats,
For money he wanted to swap,
But I really wanted some bats

"Got any bats?" asked I.
"For that's how I'll spend my money."
"No bats here!" said the guy
He seemed to find it quite funny

"We've got some lovely dresses,
I'll give you a very fine price."
"I'd rather have some headdresses."
The man blinked rapidly thrice

The man seemed exceptionally busy,
And his manner was strangely amused
He wasn't what I would call dizzy,
Great disdain he noticeably oozed

Like others, he thought I was odd,
Some say I'm a bit tall.
Still, he gave me a courteous nod,
As if he thought I was plenty cool

So in search of my goal I departed,
But before the boutique shop could I leave,
The man came running full-hearted,
"I can help you I believe."

"Cats, bats, you shall find
Dresses, headdresses, you can get
You must now open your mind,
And get down to The Corn Market

So to The Corn Market, I decided to go,
In search of the bats, I craved
The winds it did eerily blow
But I felt that the day could be saved

There were stalls selling tights,
Pasties in many shades.
There were even stalls selling writes
People were scattered from many trades

I was greeted by a peculiar lady,
She seemed to be rather tall
I couldn't help thinking she might be quite shady
I wondered if she was at all cool

Before I could open my mouth,
She shouted, "For you, I have some bats!"
I headed towards her, to the south,
Past some dresses and cats.

"But how did you know?" I asked,
"Do you want them or not?" she did say.
Silently, the bats she passed.
Then vanished before I could pay.

As I walked away I hard a crackle
Or was it, perhaps, a hushed cackle?

An empty bole was imprinted in me
I can't tell how or when did it reap to be
But what I for sure know is that there's no way to escape it still

After every climbed boulder stood another hill
I didn't dare stop while I mounted the rocks until I felt ill
Nor did I rested while searching for that fill
That wholesome, warm feeling everyone tries to steal

Alas, my determination wanes with my youth
With every passing afternoon
Those mountains play me like a fool
Testing me how much I can go on until I run out of fuel

Laughably, without apparent purpose, I gaze into the night
Endeavouring to grasp the feel and sentiments that drives everyone to fight
Whilst I stand and watch blankly at the wall
Seconds coarse and run in haste as the heavy sands of time fall

For what do we wake every morning?
So that we can weep in mourning?
To continue performing?
To keep away the unruly feelings from exploding?

If that's what life requires and pushes me to do
I'm afraid I can no longer go subdue
And see another dusk rise through the sky
Mindlessly encouraging myself to attempt fly

The lies grow heavier as the clock ticks by
And I hate to see what has become of I
So I nimbly choose to look away with a sigh

I force the food down and swallow my wails
I force myself to withstand the gales
I force myself to make up tales
Trying hard to reach the sails

Those around me are content enough with my efforts
Makes me wonder do they see my blemished self pacing in circles through the deserts?
Though, it's not like I bother to know
I just nod as if their words were the most natural thing in the world
As if my heart wasn't moving at one thousand miles per minute
Which always makes my stomach hurl
As if everything right now didn't seem completely twisted and scripted

I only wish for this cycle to end
So I and the world could finally blend
Stand up and take a step
Despite my feet wanting to march and flee
Because I'm too scared to see

I close my eyes and lean my head back against the bedroom door
Hoping and praying that they don't hear the slight bang that comes from the contact as I slide to the floor
Even though my heartbeat speeds up at the risk, I don’t move
I simply keep my ground, inhaling and exhaling deeply
Trying everything and anything to keep myself from crumbling all over again
And cry until I misled myself to appear vain
Until there are no longer tears soaking the mask that I abstain

No and no and no

Have you ever heard the word before?

Now be so kind to let me go

Or I'll make sure your teeth are gone forevermore

The bitter truth has hit me yet again
And I can't seem to swallow the tormented caused by a friend
The one who I deemed worthy to cradle my heart in her hands
Was the one who brought me an old wicked spawn of mine that I now try withstand

Why, is the only question surging in my mind
Why has she use my benevolence and spat on my trust?
Why has she chosen to disregard me to fulfil her lust
To be a person who craves more than anything to be someone who makes others must?

Why and why and why

My cries are pushed away by the gust
While I try to stay still and hush
More than anything I want to see her old hidden just
That had disappeared after she corrupted herself with that same disgust
People held against me whom I still cuss

And as the red anger bubbles and boils my skin
I think of the happy days and go cry to feel thin
The weightless feeling to wash upon me
A desperate wish I still harbour and a childish grin
The one who she reincarnated from the afterlife
From the moment when I began to feel alright
When you told me not to feel so contrite

Was that some cruel joke to you?
A good laugh to get out of a blinded fool?
I became vulnerable and open up to you
Just to treat me like a tool?

What ignorant imbecile have you become, Danonina
I almost can't believe it
Even if I rub my eyes as hard as I can
The malicious intent doesn't shift nor bend

Do you not remember who stood in the rain with ya?
Who fed and listen to you after every heartbreak and troublesome charades you got yourself into, ah?

I worried and bled for your entertainment
Without ever wanting any payment
Yet you don't hesitate to stab me and let blood stain my not so pure white raiment
Patched and covered in mud from previous battles
That made me age and become mentally brittle

So, dear someone I carelessly placed the tag of a friend
And whom I had shown nothing but respect
Kept quiet about the things I saw
Even if in the end I began to fall

Do explain why the eager wish for my tremor?
Was it because I filled you neverending fleemmer
Even when you were nothing but a *****
Begging, head the ground, licking the shoes of gits, on all fours

With every drama and cliche story, you brought to life
In which you'd always start to lie to others how you got high
I found out with dread seeping within my core and engulfing
What our companionship came to be

Before I was a person you cared who was your apogee
Though now, I turned into a disregarded absentee

I mumble unclear words in the prime of the night
The pain is not seeming to subside
And one question, one single dilemma gives birth to the misery:
How could you even dare forget about me...?

Why did you choose to hurt me so?

I did nothing to you, yet you don't seem to stop

Still standing, smiling, there while I mop

Still waiting 'till the day I drop

What... What did I do to make you hate me so?

No answer will I ever receive from thee

And I'll always stay eternally an empty hole

Let's continue to hope?

No

Instead, I'll be the one to sit and rot

As you watch when I finally waste away against the background in my usual spot

Stop breathing air for the last time and go to death's arms for the warmth

The warmth I was denied ever since I was born

When you had sworn to despise me even when I wasn't shown

You'll be so happy when I finally crumble, wouldn't you, God?

Tell me - tell what have you got out of this?

What have you gained from my inner torments and tears?

What have you gained from observing the demons feeding off my fears?

Would you even dare tell a begging sinner and an unworthy opponent like me this much?

No. I honestly don't think you would dare

Why should you even bother to care?

It doesn't matter right now, does it?

I'm a lost cause for you, oh, greatest of all

Just **** me off quickly and end my painful crawl

Let me go melt into the nearby shadows for good and release the burden

From those who I cherish but they don't seem too certain

I'm not sure they will care enough either if I disappeared at dawn

Drown and choke on the waves of despair and the wicked spawn

Is there a chance for me in this at all?

Ah, again, I'm asking about things you wouldn't bat an eye to

But it's so infuriating to do so

I want to scream, trash and shove you until you bleed

Need you to show me what's the reason for your need to succeed

I'm just another human being interviewed with greed

Another sad thing who everyone coats with spit

Another poor sight threw over the side of the ship

The madness consumes me and my true self is beginning to dissolve

It's a fast decision I'm trying to solve

All I ever wanted was to be loved

Oh, please, I beg you one more time before I fall, tell me that at least

Is there any way I could get some sleep...?

Floating across an unending sea of stars
My being would forever be loaded and graced with scars
My skin sliced and abused through people and all
Heart full, wanting to explore but it's delimited by the feeble see-through walls of a jar

And as I outstretch a faithful hand up there
Where the rich little jewels are standing so far away
Are the ones my being cherish the most
I would gladly sell off fragments of myself to pay for the cost

So that I wouldn't feel as lost
Wandering within such night as a fearsome ghost
Remaining continuously to the day I find the rightful host

The one who would free me from the busted stenosis tearing through my bones
The one who will let me sail above all shores
The one would who fairly release the freight of my heart filled with stones

With those stones in my chest and tears stinging in the eyes
I try to breathe, but it only brings me greater aching cries

What was it with me, who was it with me, was it love?
Was it an all lie though?
Oh, please, spare me

However, the rock imprinted in my chest grows heavier and rips through my tissue
Chewed and waxed through
Paches appearing after every sew

The tear-filled eyes bear the name cussed by the mighty
Who was his wife appearing in my form, reborn
When those salt drops flood into me
Those grief-stricken eyes still display the look of a man known to sin
Marked so that no one can love them - even someone of my kin

Whenever he looks me in the eye, I always wonder what was wrong with him
Cut in my base, in my hands, and deep in my heart
Even if I build the courage to leave and go where I belong
The rivers can't seem to stop

How could they even?
Without him and the alluring stars, my sinful soul would rather wither and die
My lost consciousness would prefer to perish in this solemn hour
Giving the shadows of greed a chance to empower and meek devils, most hated by myself, to deflower

I wait and wait and wait for days
Wanting for the destined one to come and give me aid
To pull out those accursed blades
And let me fade into space

But, alas, the one who comes to mind is always him
He who could make I crumble beneath his gaze
He who's words turned up my body aflame

Yet, I find myself missing the gentle touches
The sweet words who pulled on my chords
And who helped me build all of my walls...

O, you poor soul clashed with misfortune

Came in for another forced abortion?

Maybe abusing extortion?

Then, be ready to get another distortion

‘Cause, friend, the flaming of torches I hear in the further distance

Will be the fine greeting of the scourge's gear

Who quietly knock on the door

To take what’s been won with bonfire and stone

And me, you already open to speak?

Well, me, I’m protected with a few more sins

Guarded by fools who only want the same thing

Green and green and green

They’ll do anything for their precious green

And we, the only ones with the dreamed common sense

We hide within the shadows

Though we too started from the shallows

Yet we only care for ourselves

I'm what they call, the Merciless ***

'Cause that's what I get to be

The one, who feast on you while I victimize myself and violate those in need

Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be right now

To feel that right now

Be that right now

There’s no way to cure this right now

To get right now

See right now

Because when I see you now

I gape at the mellow sound

And I see a future glazed with petals and glasslike goddess

Standing and smiling gracefully from there above the covers
 
Even so, when I close my eyes

It's the same rhymes every night

How you can't come with me

Because of that old farts lies sounding off on the sidelines

Oh, love

The streaks of pain covering your face

Will always be my domain

Will always be my escape

Oh, love

I know your darkest secrets 

I know what you're made of

And I still adore you

Oh, love

Now look at what you've done

You're gonna see that one gone

Then, when he's not in the way, I'll polish you from head to toe

Keeping you locked up 'till dawn

Oh, love

Don't say such ****** things

Know your place, or I assure you, he will bleed

Or would you rather see him lose his feet?

Lungs?

Fingers?

Whatever is on your list, I'll give it a stinger

Oh, love

Ah, look at this

The smell of poison and blood still lingers

In the air where he once was a singer

Oh, love

I think I toyed with you enough

It's time to close that crimson curtain

And say that is done

What a pleasure has it been to serve you

Though, I'm afraid my attention has begun to wither

So now, what I'm about to do, is something that has to be finished  

Even if you beg, threaten, or want a case of mercy

Know that I'll not be the one to give

Because they still call me the Merciless ***

Who'll get you in your sleep

Red, red, burning red

Die alone and never cease to dread

Red, red, burning red

Burn in hell and don't seek an answer to when

Red, red, burning red

Cry yourself to sleep until God tells you to tie your neck with a thread

Red, red, burning red

Let your hatred never be given a chance to spread

Red, red, burning red

Thee hope you never dare run from the promised prospect

Red, red, burning red

Bleed to death and don't dare to flee just yet

Because oh, red, red, burning red

We will never let you sleep that comfortable in your bed

Red, red, burning red

Don't ever let yourself think you were forgiven for the damage that you made...