taking forever to open up and even
longer than that to close
it scares me how much she knows
here the truth comes here the truth goes
     here i am sought for sad
doubly ***** prose
can you tell me again how much she knows
    
as she watches onward i float off ****** propriety
      i am a ghost coming through the drift of society

does she wish
she could chain me here
does she wish she could change me here
i am a ghost stepping through
a different body

to myself i cannot be recognized.
  through things i love i remember myself
i see trees i see a breeze i feel
and conclude that
i am a person of ease

then i see spurting
silver
smoke
      and remember another part
of me and hope
to God it's not from another thing that I broke

she looks at me and I already feel what she knows
you are a breeze and fire as it blows
                 through a different body
       and it steps on my toes
tough chalk take it easy with all those throws
tough chalk take it easy on the hose
      why was she the one you chose
// // here she confesses to be a concept to expose
// //   here i confess to already know
// //  here she deviates from
internalized dialogue rendition
lending me renewal in my own special edition
          here the deviation is turn that suffices
                        to scare all existential devices
kiss the existential murmur away
here she faces me to colors parts i used to call my favorite of the day
    till she comments on the fact that i didn't notice they were gray
here she fills here she pours here i am floating on her insistence on coloring with elemental cores
here is a gas that makes me feel more lighter than higher
        here she gifts me brighter day
better ray. does more than she will ever say
not to be pathetic but i'm definitely hoping that all this coloring could forever stay
though i love her enough to send her away
     but  beautiful fire don't put yourself out don't
put yourself out. don't show me what's brighter
then gift me a lighter
then put yourself out.
 here i feel the reach here i feel
a gentle tug and it's
good for me, i can tell.

here I am laying in a light painted on for me
      and I am so happy to be living off a dream

performing live in this city here I am performing
live in a town
old lady don't tell me to come down
here I am learning names of
a crowd

I'll die before I lay ties to it and I'll live before I lie
to it

this is when survival feels tempting

but I shouldn't let a dream take me off another
if it was my dream to never be a bother
if it was my dream to lay low and live wild

it never makes sense to stay up with these feelings but i find myself doing it just the same as if one word is eventually going to catch fire and burn this whole poem out of existence again cause that's what it feels like after i'm done writing cause there's tension between me and this ground i've been trying to live on and the tension lights sparks which light sparkling fires greater than anything you've ever experienced before

back when i could write like that i remember i could stand my voice sometimes for as long as you would stay

and it made me feel better that somehow i was getting two in one. that i was convincing you and myself. and it was so nice to have that feeling stay for as long as it did

so you put your face close up to mine before
your eyes flashed a little wide
before you said hey let's go inside before you said
hey it's warmer in here before you said
why don't you have a beer
before you said all of this
        your eyes flashed a little wide.
so i guess that's when i should've known.
but as i felt my hand grip over my phone
i realized how badly i had to be done with the trust games
you said i knew so much better than to trust old flames
and you're a new thing. up and away
cupid's a shooter till this very day
and you were excited for me to
learn what would happen if i did it your way

you were excited for me
to finally see what was on the other side of this kind of fear.
so i let you be and i let me be too until my
fingers loosen and i don't even have my
thumb on speed dial anymore when our eyes finally lock again.
somehow i just
know this is a bad idea but at the same time it feels like
something i should've done a long time ago.

the things i'll keep and the things i won't
and the things i'll bury and the things i'll hold
and   the things you see and the things you don't
and the things you wonder and the things you know

the worry you hide and the fear you show
the way things bite      the way life blows
to an  away and beyond
horizon-binding     no more zone to hold my roots to
blowing me far into unknowing
      away and beyond

     the furthest   away and beyond
but my name means near
          so what is here in the away
what is here in the beyond
is my new here

my name means near so
that's what i try to make

when life pushes me again

that's what i try to make

fold far into half the distance. fold far into half.
grieve less. grieve less. i tell myself what
i need and it's to grieve less.

all my comfort is  untold
unfold this concept of near till the space between your fingers says i trust you and the space between your thumb and index is how i don't
i thought i could freeze myself into this
      but instead i'm unfolding
harder now. unfolding all of it
all of my weapons on the table
there it is again that
familiar nothing and you
can't escape this and i can't
stop this
this is the space between your thumb and index but four times bigger again. coming back over again
to make sure it's harder.
to make sure it's harder to go back

when i felt it change it
turned over to look at me  one last time
    the stars gave out their last summer sugar light
kissed both of us sweet good night. sweet good fall.
sweet good winter. till the very next spring
hear the leaves crinkle
then here the leaves grow
in the distance
i heard the dying croon
of our favorite old moon.

wish i had a pill for the memory and a pill for the pain and a pill for the bitterness and i just want it all to be numb for once instead of the weakness i feel instead.