Usted es una pobre excusa de un ser humano.

I saw him for the first time in a month. The first time we've spoke even, and nothing seemed to have changed. I'm not sure wether to feel scared or happy about that. We got so ****** we passed out on his bed where we both use to lie. Being in his presence became the most comfortable feeling i felt in awhile. And as he lied next to me, he scooted and wrapped his arms around my bones and whispered he missed me, and went back to sleep. I don't want to leave. I want to stay where I am, like this, us and everything forever.


I'm afraid of what's going to happen once I leave again.. what's going to happen with us, with me? I don't want to be alone.

I didn't want to be sad l,
I didn't want to isolate myself
I wanted to feel something
To be loved
To laugh
But when I realized I did all this so I wasn't alone
Most of all,
Wasn't alone in my own head
I realized that I still was
No matter if I laughed
Felt loved
He been touched,
I realized I only distracted myself,
From me
From my problems
The ones in my head that I tried to cover up
I will always be in a battle with myself,
Until I love me,
And am comfortable with the thoughts I create.

There was something
within your eyes
that made me believe
your words were lies
so i stop and stared
but i could not bare
that the boy i love
could make me cry
until you left
then come may and
you came again
looked at me and grinned
you were not you
perhaps you changed but
not for the better
by then i only wanted you
to tell me to shoo' away
but i stayed and here i am
with the leaves that fall
my knees so weak
youre making it hard to crawl
do you love me?
or do you love her?
my mind is such a blur.
I love you so
perhaps too much to let you go
so listen here
one thing I learned of love,
never hold your breath,
you'll end up dead.

I am so foolish,
cant even keep my words up right
a talking monkey of some type
I am human
and I feel
and get laughed at for that too
Mold myself around opinions
who am i
what am i
Part of a puppet show
control me
mold me
make me
who i am
what i am

I left the boy that I love in the whole world because like all things, I became an object to him. Something he came home to like his games or his bed. And even when I lied there next to him he looked through me like glass, and that, more than anything broke me. I left miles away, a few steps from the beach to be dulled away and caved in. Alone more than ever, i drowned myself with alcohol and drugs so my sadness wouldn't do so.

I'm sorry for the pain we've caused each other.
I'm sorry for my insecurities corrupting the chances of us trying to be okay again.
I'm sorry for putting you through this, for just not letting you go and be happy.
I'm sorry that I love you so much, too much to let you go.
I'm sorry for trying, and then contradicting all of that because of how sad I truly am.
I'm sorry I over think to the point my thoughts don't make any kind of sense.
I'm sorry for everything

I wish the thoughts that have made a home inside my mind walk forward and go a far
I wish they didn't belong to me,
but because they do
I wish you knew them

I wish you knew them as much as
you think you know me
because if you did,
you'd know me quite well.

but I don't think I want to give
you that again
for you've abused it one too many times
and now the only thing that lies between us
is a barrier that you caused, and one I've created

They only ask

    how you are ,
to hear that you are doing

fine , but are you really

     fine?

Such a fool for you,
she once said

I believe so I am what a
fool for you
  my thoughts   t
                            u
                               m
                                    b
                         ­               ble
tumble and fall
how I lost my mind thinking
of you

Your touch, your love, such lust
  Look at me,
such a fool, such a fool for you
but yet I do not trust you
with thy heart but how not
  when you give so much lust?
Tell me, am I your baby
or one of your little ******
I hope not,
as you put your head between thighs
"more, more, more!"
You're disgusting, I hate you
such a fool, a fool for you.

You walk around with your
head held high
think you are grand
some kind of god
I've got news sweetheart
your nothing but a poor boy
& such a ******* bore.

          ....

I'm sorry, I've gone mad
you make me mental loving you
your soft words,
such lies but I am
such a fool, a fool for you
   You love me,
you love me not
what do you want?
You're making me insane
and I think its time to walk,
walk out your door  

I am nothing to you,
but a Friday night tour
I'm done, I'm gone
  but forever will I be a fool,
such a fool for you.

I don't want to ask,
because I know what he'll say

I don't want to look,
because I know what I'll find

I'm afraid that the thoughts consuming me
the thoughts telling me
"He is the same person doing the same things like before"
I'm afraid they're right, that they're true

And I'm afraid that every piece of hope I had left
hoping he wouldn't hurt me again,
that he'd stay true to his word
I am afraid that my hope will be disrupted
And I will be in pain again

I love him so,
sometimes even too much to want to let go
Even when knowing what the truth may be

Afraid when I see you
a year from now it will not be
the same lover i loved
before he left.

Afraid the drugs
will become the monster
hidden in the closest
and youll have no way
out

Afriad the new life you
have made
is something youd like me
to stay out of

Afriad to know the boy
who left wiping my
tears is now a boy
who just watches my
tears fall

Afraid all that we had
is now a scrap of
old memory left in
the past.

Love
What is love

Love happens for sixth months
then your existence is no longer new
but use to

Affection

Affection is the sweetness that hands give
and the kind words that flow thoroughly
We give it all, until what you give is given back thoroughly with rejection

Trust

Trust is nothing more than a must
Without it,
even his innconent flirting will no longer make you feel sane


Reassurance

Reassurance  is when you're no where but your lowest with the noose tied gently around your neck, and with every high hope you'll receive a simple peck and the words that it'll be okay

or you'll get "sweetheart this is our truce", and they'll watch your body sway,  because you couldn't get it any loose.

fill your lungs with cancer,

you're going to die anyways
why not die a little faster?

"How come you're not talking, did I do something wrong, what is it now you're just quiet" you said , as I looked at you in the eye and told you I was fine. I suppose silence is louder than actual words. Truth is, I'm tired of talking, saying nonsense words that form a conversation that doesn't really matter. Talk just to talk. Truth is, I'm comfortable in our silence. I suppose you don't really love someone until you can lie down in silence and not feel uncomfortable to just not say a single ******* word. I want that, and not to be questioned why, and what's wrong when all I want to do is lie down, in silence.

You weary eyes,
they are so driven for I
yes, I
have fallen in love with
such a beautiful boy as we
spend our nights chasing our
shadows ,
taking our time with our hands
held together.

I was 17,
and was on psychadelics for months straight
in ways it opened my mind
but I lost it in the process

you ask me who I am,
I only know
I am the person you perceive

I was 17,
perscribed depressants,
not for me
but him
he still didn't mind sharing..
for months straight

the one I loved most
and I couldn't feel it
not only it,
but everything

I was numb

I am 18,
and for months straight
I feel as though I consume more
*** in my lungs
them the polluted air

You ask me
where is my mind?
Well, I'm not sure
and I'm not sure if I want to find it

My mind has found comfort
around drugs
and I'm not sure id know who I am
without them.

and that is the sad truth.

and just like *******,
you made my body numb to the bone.