I'm not so afraid to lose
you anymore
and I am not quite sure why
that may be
perhaps its from the constant
leaving of the people I love
most
or maybe I no longer love
you as i did before
and that makes me afraid
because I do not understand
how you could love someone
so unbearably
then not at all

You use to make me feel
full of butterflies and pure love
now you make me feel
dull and
empty
I could feel the distance even
when your arms are wrapped around
me tight at night

As I lie here thinking of all the reasons
why i may not love you any longer
I cannot seem to come across
one because sometimes you could
love someone so unbearably
and then not at all
being with you has made me
understand that is true

When you awake
you'll be left with an empty
side of the bed we once
made love in
and a note I left that says:
"My dear, understand this was best
for you and I. I cannot bare the feeling
of saying goodbye to your face
because this goodbye is not
good at all and so I had to leave.
I took something from you awhile ago
I've returned it to the place I found it  
now you can find someone new to
hold your heart , for mine will always
be yours.

In this day in age, I don't know anyone who doesn't know what it's like to want to die.

I didn't want to be sad l,
I didn't want to isolate myself
I wanted to feel something
To be loved
To laugh
But when I realized I did all this so I wasn't alone
Most of all,
Wasn't alone in my own head
I realized that I still was
No matter if I laughed
Felt loved
He been touched,
I realized I only distracted myself,
From me
From my problems
The ones in my head that I tried to cover up
I will always be in a battle with myself,
Until I love me,
And am comfortable with the thoughts I create.

We cry and pry because we believe we need someone , someone to keep us happy, to be loved, to keep sane. But why cry and pry for all those things when we have the ability to do that on our own. Relationships and everything that comes with it, the one thing that kills us is the person we are with. We need no one but ourselves, we have the ability to keep ourselves happier without someone, to keep ourselves sane. But this is just babble from a girl whos in a two year relationship, and sadly i think that i can make myself happier than anyone ever could. Then he ever could.

Liars lie and they'll make you cry
Lovers love, but they'll let you die
Do not trust the seeking eye
For it will seek and only pry

I need another vent,
someone,
anyone,
please help.

You're doing it again
Your acting kind of odd
what shall it be this time
another bittersweet goodbye
Don't do this
no, don't do this again
I cant breathe when youre
suffocating me with
all the unanswered questions you have
dont listen to your head
youll just build your thoughts
dont crack again
dont leave me again..

I dread today because I know
it might be the last i see you,
or it may not
but i am afraid i will hand  you
your things and that,
that will be it
we will say our goodbyes for the last
and leave it at that
and that is just so so, sad.

They only ask

    how you are ,
to hear that you are doing

fine , but are you really

     fine?

and just like *******,
you made my body numb to the bone.

Do you ever start thinking, then begin thinking more

and more
and more

and you reach this point where your head is hurting but the thoughts won't go away and as much as you try to make them stop they keep going and going and going

and this part of you just makes you ******* wish you had a



I won't say it,
but this has been the last four years. I think my conscious is trying to **** me.

I'd never say I was your world,
I don't think I ever was anything that close
for you
But I was in your world,
I was in there for four years

Thinking alike,
doing things together
100% consuming you and what you gave,
and what you didn't give.
Consumed the happiness, anger, sadness.
Consumed everything whole
I was slowly losing myself
and molding into a clone of yours
Your own personal clown in your own little world. I lost myself completely.
Couldn't begin to explain who I was, but instead explained who you were and your likes and dislikes.

Now we are here,
Separate in two different worlds
and as I'm starting to find myself
who I am,
I'm starting to lose you
and i am fading out of your world

The sad truth is,
is I don't mind.
I can't feel I'll miss where I was
who I was when I was with you

I am ready to rid myself the pain you caused
I am ready to be me
I am ready to be happy
and not be so ******.

12:58 a.m
Waxahatchee/ I think I love you

I find it depressing that
i am writing again
considering i cannot write a single
word
that brings a smile upon a face

Knowing I cannot write a thing
of happiness depresses me
and as I type the letters to this
note

my eyes form an ocean of
tears and i feel like drowning

what to do what to do
except let time take control
and wait

You weary eyes,
they are so driven for I
yes, I
have fallen in love with
such a beautiful boy as we
spend our nights chasing our
shadows ,
taking our time with our hands
held together.

Happy
Anger
Depression

The three stages of what I go through daily

1. I wake up, to the sweetest and most kindest human being. Feeling grateful for all that I have. Happy I’m living a life of experiences that have made me grow into the human being I am today

2. Mid day, few hours in, getting upset. Which turns into getting angry. Irrational decisions. Irrational responses. Starting arguments. Ending arguments in “I’ll just leave then.” Over something silly, over nothing.

3. My night, when my day really starts. I start feeling completely empty. Hopeless. Feeling like it would just be easier not to be here. Contemplating, with thoughts running through my head asking myself if it’s really worth it. Can I handle it this time? I have a deep aching in my heart and I just want to be numb.


But I’ll go to sleep, at this point drunk or drugs running deep into my system. And in the morning it’ll all be washed away. Until it comes again. Every time, I don’t know how to prepare myself.

I'm creepin,
I'm crawlin,
I'm creepin all over you.

I know you see me,
I know you feel me,
creepin all over you.

Hear me,
Don't fear me,
And I will show you
what is true

Don't tease me,
I know you want me,
creepin all over you.

Just like how someone died, you never really do get over your first love.

May I vent, vent to someone kind?

I'm sorry for the pain we've caused each other.
I'm sorry for my insecurities corrupting the chances of us trying to be okay again.
I'm sorry for putting you through this, for just not letting you go and be happy.
I'm sorry that I love you so much, too much to let you go.
I'm sorry for trying, and then contradicting all of that because of how sad I truly am.
I'm sorry I over think to the point my thoughts don't make any kind of sense.
I'm sorry for everything

A month ago you were there while needles poked and pinned my skin. There where secrets came untold and where I lied becoming untwined. You were only a face, a physical being in the present but not so in my presence. One who I was told to be careful around. For my physical being is safe, but the lively part of me, my whole being, feeling every existing thing, a wall was a safe bet. But it took less then a day. Realizing love can and does happen quickly. Our souls have become one, and I can feel a part of you in me. You are a beautiful one, your heart, the parts of you that hurt,  your existence. One that I appreciate and can feel fully in my heart. I love you.

Sleep is for d
                       r
                         e
                           a
                            m
                               e
                                r
                               s.

I will sit here and pretend I care while you cry cry cry with your sad little eyes, look at your game girl.