I didn't want to be sad l,
I didn't want to isolate myself
I wanted to feel something
To be loved
To laugh
But when I realized I did all this so I wasn't alone
Most of all,
Wasn't alone in my own head
I realized that I still was
No matter if I laughed
Felt loved
He been touched,
I realized I only distracted myself,
From me
From my problems
The ones in my head that I tried to cover up
I will always be in a battle with myself,
Until I love me,
And am comfortable with the thoughts I create.

I met a boy
who told me sweet words
and built a butterfly garden in my stomach
He took away all the horrid thoughts i build in my mind
set them free, took me away to thoughts of love and lust

Showed me the way to happiness
and there is where he stands
with arms open, he let me in and as did I
and from a simple touch he showed me how to love

His fingers caressed my body
crawling over my skin,
a feeling I never felt but couldnt get enough

We were hidden int the sheets,
**** and comfortable with the scars on our skin
with the marks that lied on my body, the ones that come
in the process of growing.
He didn't mind I wasn't perfect
not like the others he tried so hard to find

We lied there together,
him and I,
in comfortable silence
and I knew, I just knew..

I'd never say I was your world,
I don't think I ever was anything that close
for you
But I was in your world,
I was in there for four years

Thinking alike,
doing things together
100% consuming you and what you gave,
and what you didn't give.
Consumed the happiness, anger, sadness.
Consumed everything whole
I was slowly losing myself
and molding into a clone of yours
Your own personal clown in your own little world. I lost myself completely.
Couldn't begin to explain who I was, but instead explained who you were and your likes and dislikes.

Now we are here,
Separate in two different worlds
and as I'm starting to find myself
who I am,
I'm starting to lose you
and i am fading out of your world

The sad truth is,
is I don't mind.
I can't feel I'll miss where I was
who I was when I was with you

I am ready to rid myself the pain you caused
I am ready to be me
I am ready to be happy
and not be so ******.

Red will forever and always be my most favorite thing I inhale into my lungs.

Liars lie and they'll make you cry
Lovers love, but they'll let you die
Do not trust the seeking eye
For it will seek and only pry

This time last year,
the leaves were at the turn
to red and orange
it was a beautiful fall
was with a beautiful boy
who at the time
kissed me
and left me with bittersweet
goodbyes until next time
I had my best friend
to my side,
my sister to describe at best
I was happy and
all my worries seemed
to disappear with every smiled
that appeared

This time this year,
the weather is still warm
and leaves have not changed
a bit
nothings changed a bit
but perhaps gotten worse
Trust in my lover is bent
and I no longer have the best
friend I longed for
I cry for no reasons at all
Im stressed
and I feel like Im going to crack
crack again,
I need a cigarette
a glass of wine
anything to pass the time
to go back in time
to this time last year.

I need another vent,
someone,
anyone,
please help.

I dread today because I know
it might be the last i see you,
or it may not
but i am afraid i will hand  you
your things and that,
that will be it
we will say our goodbyes for the last
and leave it at that
and that is just so so, sad.

A month ago you were there while needles poked and pinned my skin. There where secrets came untold and where I lied becoming untwined. You were only a face, a physical being in the present but not so in my presence. One who I was told to be careful around. For my physical being is safe, but the lively part of me, my whole being, feeling every existing thing, a wall was a safe bet. But it took less then a day. Realizing love can and does happen quickly. Our souls have become one, and I can feel a part of you in me. You are a beautiful one, your heart, the parts of you that hurt,  your existence. One that I appreciate and can feel fully in my heart. I love you.

Do you ever start thinking, then begin thinking more

and more
and more

and you reach this point where your head is hurting but the thoughts won't go away and as much as you try to make them stop they keep going and going and going

and this part of you just makes you ******* wish you had a



I won't say it,
but this has been the last four years. I think my conscious is trying to **** me.

I'm not so afraid to lose
you anymore
and I am not quite sure why
that may be
perhaps its from the constant
leaving of the people I love
most
or maybe I no longer love
you as i did before
and that makes me afraid
because I do not understand
how you could love someone
so unbearably
then not at all

You use to make me feel
full of butterflies and pure love
now you make me feel
dull and
empty
I could feel the distance even
when your arms are wrapped around
me tight at night

As I lie here thinking of all the reasons
why i may not love you any longer
I cannot seem to come across
one because sometimes you could
love someone so unbearably
and then not at all
being with you has made me
understand that is true

When you awake
you'll be left with an empty
side of the bed we once
made love in
and a note I left that says:
"My dear, understand this was best
for you and I. I cannot bare the feeling
of saying goodbye to your face
because this goodbye is not
good at all and so I had to leave.
I took something from you awhile ago
I've returned it to the place I found it  
now you can find someone new to
hold your heart , for mine will always
be yours.

You're doing it again
Your acting kind of odd
what shall it be this time
another bittersweet goodbye
Don't do this
no, don't do this again
I cant breathe when youre
suffocating me with
all the unanswered questions you have
dont listen to your head
youll just build your thoughts
dont crack again
dont leave me again..

I'm sorry for the pain we've caused each other.
I'm sorry for my insecurities corrupting the chances of us trying to be okay again.
I'm sorry for putting you through this, for just not letting you go and be happy.
I'm sorry that I love you so much, too much to let you go.
I'm sorry for trying, and then contradicting all of that because of how sad I truly am.
I'm sorry I over think to the point my thoughts don't make any kind of sense.
I'm sorry for everything

We cry and pry because we believe we need someone , someone to keep us happy, to be loved, to keep sane. But why cry and pry for all those things when we have the ability to do that on our own. Relationships and everything that comes with it, the one thing that kills us is the person we are with. We need no one but ourselves, we have the ability to keep ourselves happier without someone, to keep ourselves sane. But this is just babble from a girl whos in a two year relationship, and sadly i think that i can make myself happier than anyone ever could. Then he ever could.

12:58 a.m
Waxahatchee/ I think I love you

I find it depressing that
i am writing again
considering i cannot write a single
word
that brings a smile upon a face

Knowing I cannot write a thing
of happiness depresses me
and as I type the letters to this
note

my eyes form an ocean of
tears and i feel like drowning

what to do what to do
except let time take control
and wait

They only ask

    how you are ,
to hear that you are doing

fine , but are you really

     fine?

and just like *******,
you made my body numb to the bone.

May I vent, vent to someone kind?

You weary eyes,
they are so driven for I
yes, I
have fallen in love with
such a beautiful boy as we
spend our nights chasing our
shadows ,
taking our time with our hands
held together.

Just like how someone died, you never really do get over your first love.

I will sit here and pretend I care while you cry cry cry with your sad little eyes, look at your game girl.

Sleep is for d
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                               s.