When did hating myself become such an art?

I am the Da Vinci of self loathing
aiding in the rebirth of shame and inadequacy

After breathing, it is the thing I do most in life

I don't quite recall when my childhood ended
Innocence, hope, love and happiness
were victims of it's downfall

I was a passionate child and now a passionless adult
Obliterated by the home truths of life

I see smiling faces and hear joyful laughter
They are content

I ask in a world
with unimaginable suffering and gross poverty
how anyone can be content with being content

It is a perplexing affair
as you see I am not without
my pomposity and hypocrisy

It is hard to live an ordinary life
when you feel you are destined for extraordinary things
but extraordinary is for the others
the rich, the beautiful, the exceptionally gifted

I am none of these things

Yet how come this underlying
undeniable, unrelenting, overwhelming feeling
burns through me
like a match reaching it's cindered fulfillment
that I am destined for those extraordinary things

I feel I am nothing
but I am something
a human being
In this world
with mind, body and emotion

Alas there it is again
emotion, my emotion
my pitiful yet unwavering hatred of the only one thing
I truly have and need,
myself.

I can feel your icy betrayal
the scars of your secrets
clear glass of your lies
the part of you that’s me
becomes the enemy within
and I grow better at suffering
than anything.

I'm hypnotize by your perfect flaws

no one knows

i'm just barely an extraordinary person

whom shalt i love


i'm drenched in your love

i'm drenched and no one notice it

i'm deeply overflowed with your soul

can i stay by your side?


will you take me to your home?

A home that i can stay forever

but how long will it endure

until you found me nowhere

Kneeling, I cower
Seeing my merciless Lord
Looking down on me.

I sit, still surprised
At witnessing His greatness,
Oh so fortunate,

To be permitted
In the sanctum sanctorum
of His holiness.

My lips are eager,
But cautiously, taking in
The scent of His feet,

They plant tenderly,
On His wrinkled skin kisses,
Kisses more and more.

Losing my own self,
Forgetting the universe,
Immersed in worship,

My hands in fondness,
Move up His body of stone,
Wishing to please Him.

All fervent prayers
Are at last answered, when my
Deity shudders,

As my tongue reaches
The root of that blessed fountain
Which seeds all of life.

I've made so
Many mistakes
In life
And with you
But The things that
Life has taught me
Will keep me safe
The things
I've learned
By ******* up
With you
Taught me
To fight
Harder to be what you want
Because your worth change
Your worth fighting for.

Lowly sinner, feel the lies slide off your tongue.
Feel the rush of your vile breath, poisoned with curses.
Inhale the stench of your pitiful rotting soul.
Let the growing horrid being within you enroot itself in your mind.
Allow it to spew hatred as it shifts to fit your soul like a glove.
Lowly sinner, this is your home.
This is your spirit hidden within.
This is your triumph.

I didn't realize it would be this hard-
Going back to how things used to be
Who would've known 4 years could be erased with one fight
But the things you said..
Did you mean them?
Could you mean them?
How could you?
Whenever we talk now it feels contrived
But I'd like to get back to where we used to be
I hope I don't regret this.